Thank you. I believe so much in the supernatural and gypsy magic that I wondered how a tale turned sour would turn out. That was why the prophecy didn’t come true.
Short Story / The Gypsy Lied (part 2) (Analysis)
9th May, Unawatuna
Another ocean this time and she runs to the waters edge, feeling almost at peace. Not daring to look back at him, cool as a cat, glaring at her with those knowing eyes. She let the water consume her, as wave after wave crashed over her head and drew her further out, further in. When she finally turned back, he was gone.
Suddenly a promise made to her returned. Tall. Striking. Proud.
Why had she forgotten what the gypsy said? She had held that promise so close to her heart for weeks then, but it had vanished away eventually. And now it was back. Almost taunting her. It was May and she was remembering. After weeks of scorching heat, the rains had come last night and with it the memories of those stolen moments with a gypsy.
Happiness will be yours to command.
Then why do I feel as though I’m coming apart all over again? She walked out of the water and let her feet touch solid ground again. Her eyes darted across the sand, but he was nowhere.
She closed her eyes and remembered the night before, when he had held her and whispered and touched, right there on the sand. And then later on, safely inside the veils of a four-poster bed, how they talked of the many loves that had come & gone. How they were far simpler than the complicated pains that had come their way. He had made her realize that after a year of mourning, she was able to feel again. And even then she hadn’t thought of the gypsy. Why now? Why when he suddenly turned cold and walked away?
It was May. And he was everything she said he would be. But he had walked away with no explanation. Could the gypsy have lied? Could she have got it wrong? But she had seemed so right about everything else, she desperately told herself, wanting him to be the fulfillment a gypsy’s promise made on that warm January morning.
She saw him one more time as she was leaving, his eyes burning into her every second or so when no one was watching. Scorching into her like a tattoo being burned into her back. He wanted her and yet he didn’t want to want her anymore. He had glazed his eyes over again with a veil of normalcy, looking at her as just someone he met along the way. Fear. Conscience. Pride. They weren’t battles or storms she could weather. They were too powerful for her battle worn, weary soul. And she didn’t want to battle him. They were to battle storms together, not apart.
She climbed into her beat-up blue car and drove away, with a promise to never return. At least not to him. This was her happy place, and not even he could take that away with the wickedly tainted memories he created with her.
1st June, Mount Lavinia
She walked upto the water’s edge again. This time closer to home. Safer ground. Secure waters. She was alone all over again. Realization strikes harder when you have no one to share it with. It builds inside you until the dam breaks, finally letting the tears spill over. Tears that refused to flow for months now. But even then, the release didn’t ease the pain. She clutched onto herself, holding on because no one else would. The wracking sobs that took over her promised more pain. They told of promises broken. Promises unfulfilled.
It was him. And he walked out. Not fickle this time. Simply frightened. But he took off anyway.
The words of an old familiar song crept into her mind… the gypsy swore our future was bright. But from the wee, wee hours, maybe baby the gypsy lied.
And she realized in that moment just how right she was all this while; the gypsy lied.
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UnderTheWillow reviewed Version 1 -
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Megan_Solari reviewed Version 1 -
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DanielleSnelson reviewed Version 1 -
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cindergirl6 reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this. Your scenery, your characters thoughts, it all immediately draws a reader in. It makes me want more. You could make a publishable novel from this story alone. Good Job!
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amiblackwelder reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it! Ur writing is good and I enjoyed the descriptions and the story is unique.
music1358 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very nice story. I missed the first but I got the picture quickly. Good use of language. The human need for wish fullfilment that is false is well handled. Subtle. I like your use of images and the way you don’t let the voice intrude too much.
loveandrockets28 reviewed Version 1 -
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aw… i honest;y was expecting her to have a baby by her one night stand so that the “May rains would come later than you think” and that the baby would turn out to grow tall and striking… i was a little disappointed but you did something that is really tough: you got me really invested in the story…. great job!
cavscoutgh75 reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all, let me say that I think you have the makings of a good storyline here. It definitely has potential.
With that said, I noticed some errors. I detailed a few of them below:
“Suddenly a promise made to her returned. Tall. Striking. Proud.”
—I word reword this sentence. It doesn’t quite make sense the way you worded it. I would word it something like this…”A promise suddenly came to her. A promise made to her a long time ago…” Then you can go into the actual promise that was made.
—Also, Tall. Striking. Proud…what is this? Was the promise tall, striking, and proud or was the person that made the promise those things? Just some clarification is needed.
“And then later on, safely inside the veils of a four-poster bed, how they talked of the many loves that had come & gone. How they were far simpler than the complicated pains that had come their way.”
—It is a big no no to start a sentence with the word “and”. You could combine the two sentences with that word, or just start this sentence with “Later on…”
—I would also combine the second sentence starting with “How”. Since you are expressing the same idea, these sentences need to be seperated by a ”;” or simply an “and”.
I won’t insult your intelligence by naming every single descrepency, not that there are may of them. I will say that I am having a hard time following teh flow of the story. It may be because I haven’t read the first part as of yet…an issue I will remedy as soon as I can…but I know if I am having a hard time following the flow, then other readers will also. I would suggest that you do what I do with my work. Reread, reread, reread…and then edit. By rereading it, sometimes after a little time between working on it, then you may be able to review your work with a more subjective mind therefore catching mistakes or faux pas.
I wish you luck with this story and I look forward to reading it.
Cao,
Cavscoutgh
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