I see what you mean. Thanks for the info. I’m glad you liked.
Flash Fiction / Running (Analysis)
Amanda glided in and out of the early morning mist as if she were hovering off the ground. Her tempo, fast by most standards, was casual for her. Her jogging shoes made almost no sound as they floated over the wooded trail, while her visible breath shot forth in rhythmic intervals, coinciding with her footfalls.
Twenty-eight and extremely fit, Amanda relished in keeping herself in shape. She wore an off-white thermal jogging suit that covered her whole body. The hood was up, hiding her shoulder length brown hair.
She made her way down the route suddenly breaking through the fog and then disappearing again like a ghost. This was just the way she liked it. As she came to a sharp bend in the trail, she repositioned her stance to take her up the hill on the other side. Her speed increased slightly in anticipation.
The man stood crouched behind the trees to the left of the trail. His hands were cold and the ground around him littered with cigarettes. He knew her routine well and a smile found its way through the deep scars of his face as he saw her. He waited like a lion stalking a gazelle.
Amanda's rhythm slowed. She thought she had seen something move in the brush up the path but only for a moment. She regained her speed after scanning the foggy trail ahead. Was it possibly her imagination?
The man shot from the brush just as she reached him. Amanda darted out of the way and let the momentum of his lunge carry him across the trail to a crashing thud on the other side. He spun around and looked up at her; the knife in his hand aimed at his prize.
He heard the whisper as their eyes met. A sound not unlike a quick burst of wind in the face. He fell back to the ground and felt the warmth engulf his chest. His hand dropped the knife and searched for the reason for the heat. He brought it back up to his face, a crimson red.
Amanda dropped the hood never taking her eyes off him.
"You're not her." he said.
Amanda pulled the cell phone from her jumpsuit pocket and pre-dialed a number. She kept the silencer barrel of the gun locked on him.
"Lisa, It's me. You won't have to run anymore. It's all taken care of."
She hung up the phone and squeezed the trigger again. Pulling her hood back up, she made her way down the trail and disappeared into the mist, like a ghost.
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loveandrockets28 reviewed Version 1 -
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i think yhis is a great framework… but it almost feels like the ending chapter of a longer book. i would have liked to have seen more tension throughout the piece. like i said i think this is great framework, and if expanded could be a great story. good luck!
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TirzahLaughs reviewed Version 1 -
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First, she’s in an outside of herself. It’s disorienting. If you’re a runner who is into running, you’re in the moment. You’re breathing, the thump of your feet, the world blurred. Here she doesn’t feel like a runner at all. She feels like someone describing how she thinks running would be.
Why would she think about disappearing in the fog? It’s the narrator intruding. The end is confusing. Who is Lisa? Why doesn’t she run again? If he’s stalking Lisa then Lisa would be able run again safely if he was dead. The end instead of being surprising is just confusing. Good start.
Rebelsfire reviewed Version 1 -
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“He fell back to the ground and felt the warmth engulf his chest.”
This line confused me a bit. It was awkwardly worded, maybe try for something a little more flowing?
I really enjoyed this story. It was very concise, and your ending seemed to fit for such a short piece. Well done.
Hypernormal reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi there,
Nice espresso, with a good kick at the end.
Here are a few suggestions:
(Amanda relished in keeping herself in shape…) – the first ‘in’ is redundant.
(She made her way down the route suddenly breaking through the fog…) – comma after ‘route’ perhaps?
(...in the brush up the path but only for a moment) – comma after ‘path’?
(Was it possibly her imagination?) – ‘possibly’ redundant?
This is very clean work, and the surprise works. I wouldn’t call it flash fiction though; it comes across more as the prologue to a short story.
A good, clean blast of action.
Well done.
Sherry9876 reviewed Version 1 -
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The beginning was very good. It had a lot of detail. Sorry, but I was confused near the end. I think it would be a better read if it had more detail though the whole story. Who is the man? The part: He heard the whisper as their eyes met. What kind of sound?
Megan_Solari reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, that was creepy. Creepers in bushes! I seriously wasn’t expecting her to shoot him, what a twist! I’m just curious how everyone knew where everyone was going to be? I mean, if the creeper was watching the runner for so long, there was a good chance he’d know she wasn’t Lisa. How did the runner know the creeper was there? How do you hide a gun in a jogging suit!
Sorry, I know this is flash fiction, I’m just a glutton for details haha. Good read!
Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent opening! I am already pulled into Amanda’s character, her world, etc. Its compelling and the sentences are vivid.
Page 1:
Ok, as a reader, you are making my heart beat faster by paragraph 4. Your descriptions—flawless. This is a flawless page!Your writing is clear, concise, but paints vivid images. Good job!
Page 2: Also, pretty much flawless!!!
One sentence here that’s a little awkward. I would turn this around: Amanda dropped the hood never taking her eyes off him.
Never taking her eyes off him, Amanda dropped the hood.
*now take that as a grain of salt. Its a very small and minuscule thing in light of the amazing flow of this piece. This is what copy editors are for, and they may like it fine.
Ending: love, love, love it!!!!
It gave me visceral satisfaction as a female.
Good job! I honestly have nothing further to add. Its brilliant. Get it ready to market!
music1358 reviewed Version 1 -
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A good piece. One or tow minor things. Why do we need to know about the brown hair? I presume so he can see it’s not her (lisa) but he would anyway surely? You could play the cat and mouse thing even more with this but then it would be a short story not flash. Very nice piece.
Daney reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really well written. Your imagery and description are really good. I could practically see everything that was happening. I couldn’t find anything to critique. Your grammar is great and so are your imagery and descriptions, like I’ve already said.
Thanks for the good read!
Daney :)
dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
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Hmmm…interesting story. I like it. Talk about flash fiction. lol…You didn’t ask for specifics in your reviews so I won’t give you one. All I have to say is that I passed this a few times and thought I’d give it a try. It’s good. I like the simplicity of it. I like the clarity and how smooth it reads. Well done.
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