Thanks for the review, I did have a lot of trouble with the ‘prime suspect’ sentence. And there are plenty of ‘werewolf’ clues… a lot actually! Well I hope you enjoyed it, thanks again.
Flash Fiction / The Online Accountant (Analysis)
“Damn it!” he pounded on the desk with an unnatural brute force.
Bradley Tallwoods had been working hard all day inside his small red brick house on Terrence Street, in the small town of Bendigo. No one really knew much about Bradley as he kept to himself, mostly. He’d become an accountant after an episode of town murders in the late 1990s which were considered unsolved. He had become prime suspect and as a witness had identified him near the scene of one of the murders but the case came to a standstill and there was no evidence to convict him. After that, he sought mostly indoors projects to keep himself busy and out of the glare of the local town folk. So he became an accountant via distance education and worked for online companies covering their accounting needs.
Once a month Bradley did feel the need to go out. He would slip out the his front door and smoothly step onto the Terrence Street and stalk his way down to the local pub for a drink. He would wear his crisp grey suit which looked out of place in the small country bar, but he didn’t seem to notice. They would stare but he would keep his head down and with his strange grey eyes he would scan the corners of the room, running his hand through his smooth ash blonde hair. It made him uneasy to be around so many people but he felt the need to make a public appearance every once in a while to let everyone know that he was still around, and he was innocent. At least that was the vision he wanted to project upon them. Everyone kept the peace, yet underneath they were all a little bit uneasy as they knew the real truth, yet no one was game enough to admit it, let alone believe it for themselves. He would nod his head to the barkeep with a cool charm and leave the bar.
Bradley Tallwoods, accountant by day, werewolf by moonlight.
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BitterTruth reviewed Version 2 -
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paulfogarty reviewed Version 1 -
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loveandrockets28 reviewed Version 2 -
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this is cute. i really don’y know what else to say about it. keep writing!
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snarfus reviewed Version 2 -
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Okay, there’s a bit of a slow build up. If word count is an issue, there are numerous ways to make space for other things, like description and foreshadowing. For example, in the line that starts “he sought mostly indoor projects…” you can trim this down to “He began to look for work out of the public eye.”
“He had become prime suspect…” Whoa. This sentence is a mess. Add a few commas, maybe, or break up the info into several sentences.
Finally, the stinger? What the hell? Out of nowhere. I understand flash fiction pieces usually have a twist, but there should be some kind of hint or clue. Even just mentioning that the murders he was suspected of happened on the full moon would help. Otherwise, you could put any random thing at the end and it would make as much sense. “Bradley Tallwoods had antlers growing out of his head.” or “Bradley Tallwoods spontaneously combusted.”
Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 2 -
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The fact that it’s red brick… is that relevant?
‘considered unsolved’- were they unsolved or not? That’s an official thing. I’m not sure if ‘episode’ is the right word- ‘series’ might be. And ‘that were considered’, not ‘which were’.
‘and as a witness’- cut ‘as’.
Good end twist. I read it again and there were a few hints. I think you could fit a few more hints in, discreetly. That would give the end twist more impact.
music1358 reviewed Version 1 -
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I hope the once a month did not coincide with the full moon or going down to the pub for a drink takes on a newly sinister aspect.
Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 2 -
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Its perfect! I love it! Good work! I’d actually read a novel about Bradley. Have considered it? You write well enough, for sure! He’s interesting (and kind of sexy!)
Well done!!!
Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 1 -
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The writing is very good! I was impressed with your imagery and the creation of such a compelling character in so few words!
Only small things I saw: you might contract a “he had” I saw to hadn’t (not hardly worth mentioning)
And on the last line… werewolf my/by moonlight.
You said enjoy!
I really did :)
sethers reviewed Version 1 -
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Always in the mood for a werewolf story. Was he drinking pina coladas at the bar? Was his hair perfect?
I think it might be cool to add some subtle references to werewolf like behavior while he’s walking or working. Also, I never caught on as to why he said “Dang it” at the beginning.
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