Humor/Satire / Bathroom engaged

Lol, I think every family has those moments. Good work.

This piece is cute. It is definitely a shared experience. However,  the format of which along with few identifiers other than the worker-bee mother and the gaseous father, builds the humor of the piece for that laugh that is to come.

Simple correction: last stanza followers should be following.

All in all, this has potential. I would redraft using a short story format giving more context and relatable identifiers to the mother and father for a greater experience for the reader. This, of course, is a humble suggestion. Good job. Keep writing!

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November 02, 2009

by anaisnais

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48	58.8% (17 votes)	30.2%

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39	F	United Kingdom	November 02

Quality review, I appreciate your thoughts and shall consider/contemplate further as to where to go from here, thanks for the tip off re error too!  Sometimes you miss them when you read your own works! Smiles..

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Ha! Very good descriptions! It is almost like I am there, listening to the “thunder.” This piece really proves that people, really can write about anything, and make it good.

Anyways, I am a little stuck on how to critique something that is based on a man crapping and a woman trying to cover up the smell. However I just did not get the part about the missing gas mask.

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November 02, 2009

by anaisnais

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
48	58.8% (17 votes)	30.2%

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39	F	United Kingdom	November 02

mmm. thankyou, maybe I’ll bare in mind when I go over it again, thanks for stopping by to review!

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This seemed to me to be a classic example of solid imagery in poetry.  I had very little to guess at.  All was there . . . except the grosser details of course (thank you for that).  

I feel like father is the dispoiler while mum is the angel cleaner.  You have to feel sorry for her particular occupations.  

In the second stanza you make “Imagination” an entity, almost, a separate consciousness.  It’s strange, but doable.  You capitalise “Book” in the third stanza.  Any reason why?  

There are some strange capitalisations throughout that I don’t understand.  Try to be consistent.  

Is trepidly used in the correct form?  Trepid, trepidation I’ve heard, but trepidly ? I’ll have to rush to the dictionary on that one.

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October 19, 2009

by anaisnais

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
48	58.8% (17 votes)	30.2%

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39	F	United Kingdom	November 02

Hi and thanks for your insightful review and thoughts on my write ‘Bathrooom engaged’....  In response to your question on all capitalisation, it is merely in there to break up the stanza’s into breathable chunks without over the top punctuation which poets tend not too like in my experience. As regards ‘trepidly’, the jury is out while I research it further, my grammar not perfect, but am trying to learn further as I go and thanks to good people like you who read and help point these things out, it makes writitng so much more achieveable.  Thanks for stopping by, I’m glad you enjoyed your stop.

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I liked this. Pretty funny. I was wandering if there were guests in the house; I guess mum just wanted to keep the place clean.

And yes, pretty much any subject. Pretty much. I’ve read grosser stuff on here.

So crude yet entertaining! Very visual and at times you can almost smell it. Ha.