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Horror / The Call
The man stopped. He was close to the place that I had told him to find, but he was a dumb man. What could I expect? I think he knows that he is dumb. He must.
It won’t take much to convince him that he is great.
I had followed him here. I knew what I was working with, but I wanted to see for sure. He would work. Anyone that stupid would work.
He looked around. Suspicious? Maybe he could feel me watching him. Maybe he knew I was here. Maybe he was just a self-conscious human. He knelt and began to gather the brush and tumbleweeds that were close to him. I had told him to go about making a fire, but not to light it.
“Calvin Cooper.” My voice sounded like thunder. I have never done this before, impressive with no practice.
“My Lord?” His voice wavered. Humans are so easy to scare.
“My son, you have come as I asked.” I had told him to walk out to the desert naked. The coward had worn clothes until he thought no one would be able to see him. He had poor faith. Soon it would be much stronger.
“Calvin Cooper, do you know why I have called you here?”
I know that he doesn't know why I called him here. I had visited him and did the so-called “calling” in his sleep. I had made sure not to mention the reason why he had been called here. I wanted to make sure that he would come on his own. If I had told him he might start to doubt when the haters come. This ensures that, more than likely, he will be blind to those haters. He will see them as people possessed by the devil. How ironic.
“No my lord. I do not know why I am here, but I am your humble servant.” He bowed his head.
“Calvin, do you doubt who I am?”
“No my Lord. Never!” He looked up at the sky with wide eyes.
“Why then did you not do as I asked?”
It is cruelty to the prey when a cat plays with it, but it is entertaining for the cat.
“I don't know what you mean my Lord!” I could smell the fear coming from him.
“Are you sure, Calvin, that you do not know what I mean? Do you remember what I asked you to do?”
“Yes my Lord. I did everything. I made sure I was not followed, “ wrong, “I came to the spot you showed me in my dream,” wrong, “and I have come here naked before my God.” Wrong.
“Calvin, were you not clothed for over half of your journey?” There is a lady who holds the record for the ability to pop her eyes out the furthest from her skull. If some one from the world record committee had been here Calvin would have given her a run for her money.
“Calvin, are you sure you are at the spot that I showed you in your dream?” His eyes sucked back in as his jaw dropped open. There must have been a release of pressure happening inside his skull as his mouth opened, and he stupidly surveyed his surroundings.
“Calvin,” I lowered my voice, “are you sure that you were not followed?”
He sprang up. His old fatty skin bouncing as it recoiled from the sudden movement. He whipped his head from side to side moving it too fast to actually see anything. His neck must have grown weary because he stopped suddenly. Oh, no wait, he stopped because his seven-year-old daughter rounded the corner from behind the boulder he was supposed to be on the right of. Not the left. Apparently she could follow directions. She had been on the left side of the rock searching for him.
“Calvin, is this daughter of eve not of your very own flesh and blood?”
“She is my lord, but I didn’t tell her where I was going.” He whined. I hate whining. “She was supposed to be taking her nap!”
Whiney voices grate on my nerves. The shrill way that his voice raised when he said taking almost took me out of character, but the sweet scared look on his little girls face reminded me of how much I was going to enjoy this. I will enjoy every minute of this stupid human man’s life. Then, when he dies, I will enjoy the shock on his face when he meets me instead of the maker he believes he is serving. I will treasure it, revel in it, and then I will torture him. I will make his misery last longer, and be greater than it is for most. I will punish him for his whining.
He is yelling at his daughter now. She is crying. Such perfect, innocent tears. What a horrible fate, to have such a horrifically moronic man for a father.
“Calvin, I expect you to deal with this.” I say calmly. He can’t know what I have planned. He can’t hear the excitement that is traveling like electricity up and down my bones.
“Yes my Lord.” He cries up to me. I almost laugh to see him raise his head to the heavens. Idiot. He grabs his child by the arm roughly and flings her around so she is facing back the way she came. He begins to order her to go home this instant. I could interrupt him, but I want to try something out. It is a new trick that I just picked up. One I saw it in a movie I think. It works. His mouth is moving but he makes no sounds. When he realizes that he can’t make any more noise he starts grabbing his throat, like choking himself will make the whiny instrument work again magically.
“Calvin.” I say, and he looks up at the sky again. Tears are starting to form in his eyes. “That is not what I meant.” Now I will resort to something I am very good at, leading people. Convincing them, really.
I could say what I need to tell Calvin outloud, but then the little girl would know the fate I planned for her. She would know who I am. She has already guessed it a thousand times in her mind. She has shown her father her fear that I am not who he thinks a thousand times with her tears. Plus, I enjoy watching the new fears pile on to the old ones across her little childish face. She still has hair as golden as if it was thread spun from the sun itself, child hair. Her eyes are still too blue like the sky on a winter day at noon. She is a baby, maybe five or six.
Calvin, I say inside his mind. He closes his eyes like a moron, but oh well. The little girl is the beginning Calvin. She cannot be allowed to live and spread the lies that already her heart is starting to form. He shakes his head, apparently the anger he had felt for her had not been enough. He would need more convincing, but I like a challenge every once in a while, so that is fine.
“No.” He whispers.
“Daddy?” She asks him sweetly. She is my competition. Sorry little girl, I will teach you a valuable lesson in defeat.
Calvin, you must have faith. I will not lead you astray, I am going to lead you to righteousness. I am going to lead you now, and when your time on earth is done you will be greatly rewarded Calvin. You will sit with my Son on my right side. You are a prophet Calvin, and you can be the one to save the world, but the girl cannot be a part of that world. I have seen her heart, she will not be strong enough to carry your message.
He drops to his knees crying, grabbing his little girl. She is apparently beyond hysterics now. She is barely even crying, although her eyes are huge like a doe that sees the hunter loose the arrow into its heart. She is intuitive this little one, what a great loss for the world she will be. I am sure God had some plans for her, unfortunately Calvin here is as stupid as they come, and he will help me level the playing field.
“My Lord, please!” He is sobbing and of course whining to me again.
No. Calvin, you must do as I ask, it is your duty. She already has a heart corrupted by Satan, she cannot be allowed to spread his lies. She will make it impossible for you to carry on my work Calvin.
I heard somewhere that saying someone’s name frequently while talking to them is slightly more persuasive. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, God never asks you to off your own children. Only I do that, and only idiots don’t see through that. If you are ever in that situation, you should think about it carefully. Calvin here is a full blown idiot though. I am sure no one is as stupid as him.
Do you have faith Calvin? I ask him calmly.
“Yes my Lord.” He replies. I laugh silently.
“Daddy what’s going on?” She asks him quietly.
“Hush, Kailey, everything is going to be alright.” He soothes her, stroking her hair and kissing her on the forehead.
Then you know what you must do.
“Yes my Lord I do.” He hangs his head and tears form muddy rivers in the desert dust collected on his skin. Tears are worthless to me, I prefer fear or anger, but they are a hazard of the job. He stands up holding the girl in his arms, pressing her face to his chest.
I can hear your thoughts Calvin. I say so he knows that I have been listening to him trying to think of a way out of this. I am all-knowing Calvin, you must have faith that I know what I am doing.
“I do have faith.” He says quietly, his voice cracking.
She is of the serpent Calvin, she will not feel a thing. He has possessed her fully, and now he is using her to deceive you. He knows my plans for you Calvin, and he wants you to fail. He is using your daughter and he will never let her go, not until she is finally at rest and can come to me. I am the only one who can heal her now.
His thoughts took a different turn then, he started to resent the so-called devil that was in the girl. He started to think of ways to kill her, ways that would be fast. Ways that would drag it out, causing the demon pain I guess.
I will instruct you Calvin. I interject. I don’t want him to get caught doing this, it would ruin my fun.
“Now, I have strapped you to the altar demon!” Calvin voice booms. “You have entered an innocent, you have stripped her of her soul, you have eaten her alive from the inside out. In the name of God and my beloved daughter Kailey I now bring you to the end of your time her on earth. No longer shall you corrupt the mind of this little girl.”
He raises the large stone over the back of the girls head. I had him strap her down face first so he couldn’t see her cry. I told him it was so that the demon would not be able to enter into his body through his eyes when it flowed out of hers. Idiot, I hate him. She is wailing, crying for her daddy to stop, telling him that she loves him, pleading for her life. He is deaf to it all though, he completely and totally believes in me and the truth that I have given him.
Do it Calvin, the serpent is hurting her! I whisper urgently into his mind. Do not let him hurt my precious child any longer. I am afraid that her crying will start to change his mind if he lets it go on much more.
“This is for my daughter Kailey, in the name of the Lord!” He screams as he brings the rock down into the back of the girl’s skull. It crushes the fragile egg shell of bone she has accumulated over the few years of living she did. It is silent, save for the slow and steady dripping of the blood running in thick rivulets down the rock turned alter the child was tied to.
“Well done my son.” I say to the weeping man. “I will take care of the rest.”
“Thank you my Lord.” He whispers in a hoarsely.
“Do not grieve child. She is with me now, and she is at peace. She is proud to have a father destined to save the world from the clutches of evil. You have done well, now go back to your home and tell no one of this. I will come to you again when the time is right.”
“Yes, thank you my Lord.” Calvin stands and begins the walk back to his home.
I watched him walk, and surveyed the damage I had done in this short while. Calvin Cooper would be a perfect candidate. We had undying allegiance to me strong enough to lead him to kill his own flesh and blood, and we hadn’t even needed to light the burning bush. Sometimes I even impress myself.
Stage one complete.
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KindredSpirit reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice, quick set up without giving too much away. I said uh-oh at “how ironic.” You kept me in a good state of wondering what was going to happen next.
You don’t need to back up Calvin’s statements with “wrong.” It was distracting to figure out if he spoke this or thought this, and slowed down the read.
Proofread for punctuation, “He is sobbing and, of course, whining… ” and awkward phrasing, “He whispers in a hoarsely.”
Somewhat confusing to start and end the story using quotation marks for the demon’s dialogue. I really liked how I became accustomed to his dialogue not being in quotations in the middle. I thought it worked very well to have the demon speak inside his mind telepathically. Maybe consider doing that throughout, it was a nice, creepy touch.
Good story but I found myself wanting to be scared more. I think you should take more time showing us Calvin’s change leading up to the murder. Even someone that stupid would question killing his own daughter and then struggle with that before committing the act. The demon could then reflect and comment on the changes going through Calvin’s mind causing the reader feel the growing suspense. It would create more conflict for the demon as well.
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NormaLizeth reviewed Version 1 -
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I am terrified by this image you have created. Though I only felt that you missed to present the feelings of the girl when she discovered her father naked in the middle of no where, or where and when did the ‘evil’ first made contact with him. Like having a begining where it actually sounds like this is God could be good.
Ziggy_Beth reviewed Version 1 -
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This story was told very well. I really enjoyed reading it.
DHustle reviewed Version 1 -
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In the passage you continually refer to Calvin as being dumb. You should try to find some other synonyms just to give the story a little more flavor.
“but they are a hazard tot he job.” This has to be my favor line in the story. I like how you show the cold hearted nature of the beast.
Is the supernatural being the devil or just some randome voice?
I also enjoyed the sublimnal yet in your face references to Abraham and Isaac.
DecoyarBrown reviewed Version 1 -
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okay first off I have to say it wasn’t too bad. I was trying to connect with the narrator but he seem too ‘Godly’. Maybe it is just me. The narrator I felt could have been another person other than the king or lord, whoever his. The reason I said that is because, i felt that a servant could have told the story a bit better than the lord himself. it would have been better if the lord was dying or a war is approaching him or something like that. but to tell from one of his servants point of view, it would have made it more…. whats the word i’m looking for… more catchy or maybe more touching. because that servant would have praised him and make us believe that there lord his superior or a lousy lord. that is just my opinion. this line, it took me a while to understand:
‘Calvin, you must have faith. I will not lead you astray, I am going to lead you to righteousness. I am going to lead you now, and when your time on earth is done you will be greatly rewarded Calvin. You will sit with my Son on my right side. You are a prophet Calvin, and you can be the one to save the world, but the girl cannot be a part of that world. I have seen her heart, she will not be strong enough to carry your message.’
It was cool how the lord seem superior but you didn’t put any quotation mark or anything that tells me it was the lord that was speaking. I just had to guess he was.
also:
“Well done my son.” I say to the weeping man. “I will take care of the rest.”
you should have said, ‘I said to the weeping man.’ Why because it is in the past he said it already.
over all it was ok. Praise you lord a little and give him more feeling so I can understand him more.
loveandrockets28 reviewed Version 1 -
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i’ll admit it… i’m uneasy about a young child being the victim in this… i only gave you low marks on the story as publishable because i’m not sure a publisher would be any more comfortable with this (not the quality of the writing, which is fine). ot plays out more as a snuff film script than anything else. perhaps if the tome the story was chnaged (as in during the time the devil is :seducing” the man into the work, and ends when the girl appears….)
RavenJake reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an interesting scene that needs a little work. As far as the plot, it’s a downfall to have a main character that sits on a pedestal, talks about how great he is while everyone confirms his placement on the pedestal, and then after all is said and done…is still on the pedestal. When you insert an all-powerful in a situation like this it removes any possible conflict and conflict is what is going to make the reader turn the page. I’d like to see a version of this with a central problem for the character to address.
Here are some other notes:
(The man stopped… He must.)
“The man” is unnecessary. ”I knew he was dumb, however he stopped close to the agreed location.” Something like that should combine what you’re saying with a reduction in unnecessary words and passive.
(It won’t take much to convince him that he is great.)
The reader wouldn’t know why this is relevant. I would stick with actions until it makes sense. Otherwise it doesn’t raise mystery, only frustration when the narrator purposely leaves out simple information.
(He looked around. Suspicious? Maybe he could feel me watching him. )
Cut “suspicious.” This forced questioning patronizes the reader. Let them make those insinuations unassisted.
In the same group of sentences, maybe is repeated three times. Mix it up. Rather than so much of this internal monologue, observations about the setting may involve the reader better while revealing even more of the psychology than an explicit telling. The assertions about what another character may or may not be feeling is difficult for the reader to feel.
(My voice sounded like thunder)
How would the first person know? ”I gave my best thunderous voice.”
(I have never done this before, impressive with no practice)
I don’t know what this means. I can guess, but it should be reworded. ”Impressive.” The understanding at this point is that the character stays in awe of himself.
(Humans are so easy to scare.)
Show these things. They become cliche statements on their own.
(I know that …“calling” in his sleep.)
This internalized speech makes the reader feel like the story is something they’re hearing third hand from inside a box. Rather than the relaying of information, just allow the events to happen.
(It is cruelty …entertaining for the cat.)
Cut this line.
Too many dialog lines start with “Calvin.”
(He is yelling at his daughter now. She is crying. Such perfect, innocent tears.)
The actions in the story need to be shown. An example is here. ”He is yelling at his daughter now” sounds like you have someone on a cell phone and are telling them about what’s going on. ”He yells at his daughter and she cries innocent tears.” That is happening. Present tense may be difficult for this story. I can still work, but it’s difficult. Past perfect may work best.
Apatheticwriter13 reviewed Version 1 -
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“There is a lady who holds the record for the ability to pop her eyes out the furthest from her skull. If some one from the world record committee had been here Calvin would have given her a run for her money.” Tjis is a funny line, I love it. Great imagery and tone.
Hmm. Interesting story. I’m guessing this is the devil or some othe rmalevolent force (obviously). What I like is that you lay with horror cliches; while the narrator sounds evil, there’s a hint of world-weary sarcasm in there, and that draws the reader into the story.
You keep in tightly focused on the actions in the moment and intense imagery, without divulging too much background information. I like it.
Just one criticism; perhaps vary it up a bit. While the style is entertaining, maybe announce something different or go into different thoughts of the monster every once in a while.
cursorblock reviewed Version 1 -
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I have to say that this is pretty horrific as to the outcome. I do like how you describe certain things. You have your own style. There were some things that took me out of it, making it a little unbelievable in parts.
For one thing, It is mentioned that the devil (I’m taking it) not only talked to this man but also to his very young daughter separately. He instructed them both to come to this place in the desert. I really can’t see a child so young being able to come out to such a place all on their own. If said demon transported her there, that’s another story but I got the impression she was told where to go and got there herself.
- There is a lady who holds the record…(there are asides such as this example that take me out of it. If this is an omnipotent being I couldn’t picture them making a comparison like this. This sentence is another example – I heard somewhere that saying someone’s name frequently…
- ears form muddy rivers in the desert dust…this whole description was great.
- He whispers in a hoarsely (Remove the ‘a’).
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