Ah you got into the stream of consciousness, good. So many want me to make it more linear but the character isn’t linear…lol. The book is an adventure story based on the kid books from when i was a kid, except it’s written for grown-ups. Every chapter is a mini-adventure.
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Humor/Satire / Plum Crazy (Prologue)
My name is Plum.
Actually, my real name is Lavinia but who besides my mother would go through life lugging that around? Plum suits me well enough and most of the time I forget all about the Lavinia, which can only be a blessing.
Do you think they'll actually keep me in jail? It was an such an accident. The letter opener slipped when he tried to grab it. Besides, he only got four stitches in his groin, barely a scratch. I got ten stitches in my butt wallpapering Binny's basement last month and I didn't raise nearly as much fuss. It's awful of me to say but I think the poor man may be the hysterical type. I'm always calm as a puddle, myself.
And as for that sexual assault charge, that's pure bosh. I mean, do I look like the kind of girl who'd do that? I mean I'm flat-chested and my hair frizzes. I'm skinny enough to pick locks. Do you know how many brochures on anorexia I get in a week? A dozen, at least.
And don't tell me how easy it is to gain weight. I just can't keep the pounds on. People never believe me though. My doctor says it has something to do with nervous energy and a high metabolism. I say I'm just scrawny and I'm probably always going to be that way. My mother's scrawny too but with her smooth hair and implants, she's a looker.
But I've got Dad's hair, so it's hopeless. I think he was relieved when his started falling out. The stuff kinks something awful each time the sky even looks gray but I still prefer it to being bald, I guess. Not that anyone looks at my hair, not with my birthmark standing in front of them, plain as a pancake.
You see how the mark curves over my right eyebrow and circles around to my jaw line to leave a nearly perfect circle on my cheek, sort of like a cosmic question mark? The bright purple color is where I get my name, Plum. My brother, Binny, says it's just the color of squashed plums. He would know. Half his food ends up on the carpet instead of that wide yawp of his but he has a good heart so I don't complain about the mess.
With looks like mine, I don't see how anyone could think I'd take up a life of crime. I'd be picked out of every line up quick as my sister nicks the best shoes off the DW sales rack. How could Mr. Waters think I stabbed him on purpose? And I only grabbed his crotch to try to stop the bleeding. Those were nice trousers and blood stains are the devil to get out. I should probably send him a note of apology and some money for the dry cleaning bill.
Do you think the job position is still open? He never got around to looking at my resume. Oh well, it was just a thought. I mean, I've had worse interviews. Huntington Banks still has me banned for bringing in that stick of dynamite into their headquarters but that was more Binny's fault than mine.
Actually all of this is Binny's fault, if he hadn't kicked me out of his garage, none of this would have happened.
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Bo reviewed Version 1 -
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I like you self- deprecating humor or maybe your comfortableness with your look. I have a daughter, now 29, that has struggled with being thin all her life. I can identify with you on this. She has become accustomed to it as well and has no problems with it.
Not sure where you were taking the story though other than a few highlights into your life.
Maybe pick out 1 or 2 of the incidents and build on it, poking a bit more fun
Good job
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dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
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I mean I’m flat-chested and my hair frizzes. I’m skinny enough to pick locks. Do you know how many brochures on anorexia I get in a week? A dozen, at least. – I love this. I like how she’s okay with herself despite what others think.
I liked this because of it’s randomness. It’s random thoughts about everything. It’s real. You start to think about something and somehow you start thinking about other things that were related and keep going down the line until you get back to your original thinking. I like it. Well done.
jalubcarrey reviewed Version 1 -
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“It was an such an accident” It was just an accident? Second paragraph. I liked the imagery, for the most part, as well as the descriptions of the incident and the characters involved. There are some additional mistakes with regards to timing and comma use. This is a stylistic issue and is more aligned with what you want, as opposed to what I would like to see.
Substance: The second page, send to last paragraph. I couldn’t imagine anyone accidentally taking a stick of dynamite to a bank. That just doesn’t jive well at all. And if you took it to a bank that would mean a lengthy prison sentence, or at least detention of some sort.
There are good sentences, of comedic value, like the one that starts “Half of his foods ends up on teh carpet instead of that wide yawp. . .”
Last parts, there were worse interviews than stabbing someone in the leg? These are definitely hooks for the reader, but hard to imagine. :)
Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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Good opening. Funny and mysterious. I don’t get how you needed stitches in your butt tho. I think you should go into more detail there. Without a punchline, it kind of leaves us hanging. Similarly the ending has a cliffhanger of sorts, but I was hoping for a bit more punch.
There’s a lot in this that hint to revelations in later chapters, which is good. I cant tell much about the character’s intentions, though. I’m guessing well-intentioned. Then she gets mistaken for a criminal by accident…?
gkm32 reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought it was very funny. The voice is perfect. I liked the way you gradually, indirectly hinted at what might have happened at that job interview of hers, making the reader guess, making him think a little. Sometimes spelling everything out ruins the fun.
“Actually, my real name is Lavinia but who besides my mother…” I would have put a comma after “Lavinia.”
“It was an such an accident.” One of those ans is superfluous.
OfTrepidation reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a refreshing read today. Very witty and entertaining. I would look forward to reading more.
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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Anytime you start of with stitches in the groin (or anything relating to the groin for that matter), comedy is sure to follow.
The basic layout feels a little jumbled, however. You describe the protagonist, then talk briefly about the incident, then back to describing her again, then more about the incident. Isn’t there a way to talk about all the description in one shot at the beginning, then segue to the incident?
Also, I was confused about the pure bosh line. Is she saying that because she’s skinny and not that attractive, she wouldn’t sexually assault someone?
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