Sorry you follow such a rigid structure, for letting go of such tight ‘rules’ allows the mind to travel, absorb and write about anything, unbound. I choose to write from my soul, not from text books, sorry. As far as your short story question, yes it is, but only the beginning with much more from my mind to follow. Thank you for your input…
The item you were looking for was deleted.
Short Story / jonny's jetta
the road leading into her trailer park was about a half a mile long
long enough to get half way there and shut down the noisy exhaust and coast in
stopping about three houses down from their trailer, with the plastic white lil’ picket fence
i had jenna slouch down, as did i, as roxie was at the kitchen widow
peeking out into the am darkness, just as the sun began to crack the horizon
today was an ‘off’ day for she wasn’t expecting me until tomorrow
sis and i both scrunched even lower as the white storm door flew open, bobby exiting
jenna’s eyes always popped when she caught a glimpse of him, knowing who he was
he beat roxie whenever he came home drunk, which was, hmmm, everyday
we always carried a 38 in the glove box, never knowing what we would find
i swear jenna’s heart would one day burst from her chest, pure fear reflected off her eyes
for bobby was just two cars ahead of us, a descent old ford beater truck really, a smoker
as he chugged away i assured jenna all was clear as i watched him from my side mirror drive off
i jumped out, she pogo-sticked over the shifter which always drew a smile from me, safety
she and her natural curly blond ringlets bouncing as she grinned but always said “stay safe, here’s the gun”
roxie knew the creak of my rusty door hinges and welcomed me at the door, ankle closing it quickly
roxie was just starting a load of clothes, a large blanket and two pair of her running shoes
she knew fully that such a heavy, out of balance load would be so much fun to jump up onto
of course as she also released her short jean cut offs, leaving only yellow panties and short tee
i must say, a long high speed rinse has its privileges..
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
bickle reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Hi,
I got a bit confused whilst reading this, mainly because of the rambles. It was difficult to know where one sentence began and one finished. I never paused for breath!
Is this finished or part of a bigger picture? If you go back over your work and insert correct grammer, it would easier to comprehend.
Thanks for sharing.
Bickle
- add/view comments (1)
boniface11 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is very hard to follow. Is this a short story or poem? You have it under short story. If it is supposed to be a short story, you need appropriate grammar, punctuation, etc.
loveandrockets28 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
i don’t know if i’m putting too much of myself into this, but i caould taste the dead end streets these characters are on. i liked the structure of this as in a poem. great job! the only thing i was confused about was the role of the sis in all this. keep it up!
Alex_Bruinekool reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I think you should have gone more in depth with the characters. The story’s always better when the reader knows who they are and has a strong connection with at least some of them. I would also like you to expand a bit more on the story itself, and maybe edit out some words. That being said, if length is your only problem, you’re still doing a decent job.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
Read 50% of the Item
A trailor park? hahahahahaha. Somehow i cannot imagine the protagonist in one of those. But there is a bit of mystery about the gun and the illicit affair, while ole Bobby chuggs away. The spin cycle would have been rough. What a swtich from your Shakespearian voice. But maybe this is why you are my favorite poet of the century. You have so many facats, like myself.
I look forward to more tales from either side of the track. Sandi
Showing 1 - 5 of 5
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
5 Reviews 6 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 3 days ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 103 Times
Skipped: 7 Times
Ratings & Rankings
