Wow that is a hell of a review =p nice.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Gods And Goddesses: Earth_Chapter One
Gods and
Goddessess
Chapter One
The Looks of an Angel
Xeseyta took off her chest plate, letting it fall on the floor beside her feet, She untied the string holding her kimono shirt closed and slid it off her chest and arms. "You and getting injured everyday and second. Why must you keep doing this?" A calming voice said to Xeseyta.
Xeseyta let out growled sigh. "It's not me who's doing it Sevaki," A hint of annoyance filled in with her voice. "It's Nethrian... still putting Me through his endless training."
She winced touching her waist, whispering "Ouch" and looked at the blood on her hand. "One day I am going to beat him, No more getting kicked in the stomach, slammed on My back. or anything." Her hands curled into fists with determination, pushing off the ground to jump, rolling in the air into the shining lake making a splash that got on Sevaki. The female feline squinted her eyes, letting her silky fur get wet.
"Whatever you say Master. but don't you think somebody might see You? I know how You are about being seen naked." Sevaki stood up on her paws as Xeseyta laughed.
"That is why it's your job to make sure nobody does."
She started washing the blood off herself. Sevaki frowned, She lied back down, resting her head on her paws. "Always is..." Sevaki mumbled, closing her eyes to Xeseytai's singing.
"Nuraka... Do you think Siberians are just destined forever to tear each other apart? That is all they do. And now they don't even know the reason anymore..."
"Hah!" Nuraka laughed sarcastically, "Where'd that come from?" He jumped off the Tree, high into the air, landing softly down with one foot. "I don't think it. I know it." his Cat like eyes glared at him, they weren't really. but the shape of his egyptian eyes made it look like he was, when he was agitated in any way. "Say, Seffruin this is the first time you've said anything really." He put his hand on the hilt of his Sword. turning away from Seffruin. "The first words you say to your Brother in a long time, is a Question......" He made a sarcastic sad sigh. Truthfully just disappointed his Brother had decided to talk again. Seffruin bit his lip, drawing a drop of blood by the sharp Fangs that dug into his bottom lip. Nuraka dodged the rock that was thrown from behind at him calmly without any jolt, knowing it was coming at him.
"If your gonna answer with some stu-...!" Seffruin trailed off, turning around to the Woods.
Who's is this voice? He wondered, hearing a voice sing lightly, he pricked his ears to make it sharper, easier to hear.
He walked away from Nuraka, ignoring his voice and treading into the Forest. He realized it was a Female singing as her ventured closer to the voice.
Seffruin stopped at a Tree that remained on a slope, tilting himself to the side seeing a Female. A soft gentle face, beautiful Crimson Orange Amethyst eyes. Thick sharp eyebrows, a very curvaceous body by her curved in waist. She stroked her glimmering silky Violet hair with her Claws, singing a song like a soft sad lullaby.
The fact that he was spying on her wouldn't come to his mind.
"Say you'll be here even when I'm gone. Say you'll share with Me your love, your hatred... Say you'll never runaway..." She sang in the crystal lake, shaking her head to get the Water out of her hair. An animal lay beside the lake, a Feline who seemed to be asleep.
Seffruin stepped back, thinking he knew her from somewhere. He tried to tear his eyes away from her but he couldn't, slipping on the slope. Not watching where he had stepped he fell down quickly, splatting on the ground with a "Whoa-!!!"
Seffruin sat up, spitting out dirt and wiping his mouth with his White sleeve, he stopped. Noticing the eyes that were on him. He dared to look up, seeing the Female standing there with wide shocked eyes.
They stared at each other for a minute, which seemed like an eternity to Seffryib, and he still didn't know what to do. The Female's squeal broke the silence, burying herself into the Lake.
Sevaki popped her head up, woken by Xeseyta's scream. "What!? what!? What is it!?" Sevaki asked her breathlessly.
"Sevaki I told You to make sure nobody would peek at Me!" Xeseyta screamed, Sevaki twitched her ears in confusion. "Wha...?" She looked around, "Xeseyta, nobody is here..."
Seffruin started panting out of surprise, looking in the direction he had 'escaped' from. "Was that a Female You made scream?" An old tree spoke, "Sorry lad. My ears don't work so well. You seem to have been running. that would be the first." the tree groaned.
Seffruin ignored the old tree, instead, thinking about the strange Female he'd seen. "Xeseyta...." He whispered, having of heard her Name from Sevaki who shouted it, but not realizing he said the name aloud.
"Xeseyta? You made her scream?"
"...Yea...?"
"Lovely girl she is, Very kind hearted... Well, To Nature at least... That child has gone through so much, You can't blame her for that way she is."
Seffruin said nothing of it. He walked away, his mind refusing to let go of her as a thought. The glossy hair, the lush curvy lush body. He shook his head roughly, hitting it several times over. but the more he tried, the more he thought of her. He darted Home, running as if the thought of her was right behind him trying to catch up. He let himself drop inside the former Dragon cave on the Autumn leaves, making them float up by the sudden pushed Wind. "Where were you Master?" A beautiful White furred Canine asked him, hovering over Seffruin.
"I don't know really... I never do." Seffruin mumbled. he put his arm over his eyes,
She laid down beside him. "You seem more distracted than usual what is it?"
He sat up and looked at her. "Wouldn't you be Lunress? if your stuck with a Bastard for a Father?" He stood up. "I hate him... and one day I'm going to kill him."
"Master don't speak like that. He's a disturbed one, but he does care about You." Lunress attempted to keep his anger down, knowing right after she said that it'd anger him more.
"Hah!" He laughed sarcastically. "Cares about Me!? I've never heard such meaningless words, sure he does, he expresses his love to his Son by trying to kill him!" He shouted "The day I kill him is the day I'll smile!" Seffruin darted out of the Den,
"Seffruin!" Lunress ran after him. letting the Wind brush her soft moving fur.
Xeseyta screamed soundlessly, slammed onto her back.
"What's wrong? You seem distracted." Nethrian grabbed her hand, pulling her up on her feet.
"Nothing's wrong. Shut up and fight." She spat, making Nethrian frown.
Sevaki laughed, "Don't take it personal Nethy, She's just mad cause a boy saw her half naked." She smiled.
Nethrian's brows went up. "Oh?" he looked at Xeseyta.
"...Sevaki, Your Crow meat!!" Xeseyta screamed, The Feline got up quickly, "Uh, oh.!" ready to dart and run until Xeseyta stumbled on the floor.
Xeseyta growled in pain out of frustration.
Nethrian sighed. "All right that's enough for today go back." He helped her up again. "And no protesting." he said before she objected, picking up her pouch like bag and handing it to her, She put it over her neck and arm.
"Why do you carry that thing around?" he asked kindly, in his usual calm voice.
"Because it holds important things..." She glared at Sevaki. Sevaki put her ears down sadly and walked with Xeseyta to where they had came from.
"See you later Lord Nethrian." Sevaki mewed respectfully as she swayed her tail.
"Go safely!" was all Nethrian said.
"It's getting dark." Sevaki looked up, seeing the Lavender Sky go darker. Xeseyta said nothing. She was looking at the ground walking slowly, seeming lost in thought.
Sevaki abruptly screeched, hit in the stomach and knocked over, feeling saliva falling on her fur. Xeseyta looked back, "Grajis!" She shouted. Sevaki kicked the Graji off her with her back paws and rolled over up on them.
They were surrounded. they all had long legs and arms coated furless. they were all slouching and drooling. with teeth that lied crooked along with scrapes of blood on them. One darted at Xeseyta, ramming her in the chest ripping the strap of the pouch off, She hit the ground, screaming "No! Give it back You mutant little-" She tried to get up, but only stumbled down on her knees. "Stop it Seyta!" Sevaki growled, knowing she's still severely injured from the training Nethrian had recently put her through. Xeseyta's blood started to drip all over the ground from her body, mixing in with the dirt.
The Grajis all snarled stepping closer, thirsting for the blood that dripped off her, Sevaki growled and hissed furiously. "Stay back you disgusting mutants!" her fur went up. bristling, the one with Xeseyta's pouch darted away, snickering.
"No!" Xeseyta screamed. the scream sounding gurgled as she coughed up blood. "Sevaki chase after it!" She commanded.
"What!?" Sevaki screeched.
"Just do it! I mean it I'll be fine just go!"
Sevaki growled deep in her throat, "You better be!" She hissed before hesitating to dart off, She had to believe her. Whatever was in there, it was important to Xeseyta. Her Paws pounded on the floor as she chased the Graji that ran, trying not to think of what will happen to Xeseyta. Another Graji came at her, biting her arm. She screamed, and screamed again once it sank it's slimy teeth sank into her waist.
Her eyes started blurring as her blood spelt slower, leaving less blood to drop as merely any was left in her. "D-dammit." She gritted her teeth in pain, her voice sounding a bit shaken. The Graji let her waist go. ready to bite her in the neck next.
But the bite didn't come. They all turned towards a direction, making an alarmed sound. One screamed wriggling in the mouth of someone. It was dropped onto the ground making one last jerk, then staying still as it was dead. "You disgusting bloodthirsty Monster." it was the voice of a Male feline from what Xeseyta's blurry eyes gave her, this was a different feline from Sevaki. This one had giant front teeth like a Sabertooth, but was more on the side of a striped Tiger, with a fluffy tail. blood dripped from his teeth as he growled at the Grajis.
They all screamed, They sensed something worser coming. "Time for finishing touch!" Something Black and Grey flashed past Xeseyta, the sound of a Sword ripping pass her swift enough that her eyes couldn't catch onto it.
It glimmered. The sound of the Grajis screams grew more quiet, some already ran others stood there, falling on their knees. as there head rolled off. The voice of a Male laughed. "Useless disgusting things." He put his Sword back in it's sheath. "What were they making such a big racket over?" He was around the Age of what a Human would call a Teenager, Black hair that went a lot longer in the back. Cat like fire eyes, and a slate Gray wide turtleneck with thick sleeved shirt and pants, Black boots and gloves and a long Black vest that didn't open and was cut in the middle at the bottom and a bit in back. A Red colored bow in the back, showing his slim build, Two long thick ribbons that were attached to the bow touched the top of his boots, and a tiny skull decoration in the middle of the bow. "Come on Nariko let's go" The boy mumbled.
Nariko, the Feline put his ears back, he spotted Xeseyta and sniffed her. "It's the girl Nuraka." Nariko mewed.
"Wha?" Nuraka turned around "I knew I heard a scream." He kneeled down, Xeseyta's eyes closed. blacking out as his voice faded. "...Looks dead to Me."
All bloody he believed so if not for his nose to of had told him she was alive. She wore a breastplate that went sharp into two ends at the top. a kimono shirt, big long sleeves tied near the end with a string decorated with gold silk at the end and at the neck of the shirt. Pants that kept remaining wrinkles in it and beads that tied the very bottom of the pants, She had no shoes that revealed her very arched feet that all Siberians had, and a fluffy fox tail at her waist. Nuraka gapped, shaking his head when he realized Nariko had a smirk on his face. looking at Nuraka. "Feh, let's leave."
"What? why?" Nariko protested.
"No questioning Me Nariko I said let's go, and leave her." Nuraka firmly said. Nariko sighed. "Alright, fine. I thought it was the girl's scream why you chased and killed some of the Grajis." Nariko mumbled.
"No," Nuraka laughed. "They were making to much racket!" He walked away from the girl and Nariko followed, walking ahead. Nuraka stopped and bit his lip. looking back, the girl was still lying there. unconscious and coated with blood.
He walked back to her, "Are you dead?" he prodded her with his feet. "Feh" he shook his head "What are you thinking, walk away." He said to himself, but he only looked back again. and starting to bite his lips hard enough to make them bleed
His hands curled into fists, he looked to where Nariko disappeared to and to where the girl lay, remembering her beautiful face. he went back to her, put one of his arms under her legs, and one under her back, picking her up. He was surprised with how light she was, she weighed nothing, like Snow
Not quite understanding why he was doing this, why he was even touching her, but he just walked off to where Nariko disappeared to. He didn't understand why it didn't bother him touching her, the sweet honey smell of her blood made his stomach churn.
He lied her down on the Autumn leaves that skidded on the Dragon Cave. sitting down and sighing at the blood on his hands.
"Nuraka?"
Nuraka turned at the voice of Nariko quickly.
"Don't do that to Me again!" He hissed. "I thought I lost you! I walk ahead of you and turn back and your gone!" Nariko hissed again, he then realized the girl from before, placed down on the Autumn leaves. "O-oh... y-you...that's why..." The Feline stammered.
Nuraka blushed. "What!? No! it's not what it looks like so shut up!" he shouted.
"Okay, okay Master!" Nariko quickly mewed. "No need to get upset..." He sounded sad. "Aren't you gonna tend to her?" He asked his Master.
"And what!?" Nuraka screeched. "Take her clothes off!?" he looked at Nariko. "No way!" his voice echoed in the Cave as he walked deeper into it. Nariko stared at the girl, She looked like an Angel that lost her feathery wings. He stretched himself, yawning as his eyes closed, lying down.
Nuraka walked back, stopping when he saw Nariko lying on the stomach of the girl. confused with how quick he fell to liking her.
"It's been three days and the girl still hasn't woken. Say where's Seffruin?" Nariko asked Nuraka.
"I don't know and I don't care." Nuraka answered, "If it were Me with injuries like this I'd have waken up by now." Nuraka said, placing her back down, The girl's eyes opened abruptly. She screamed, trying to hit him. He grabbed her wrists, forcing her back onto the ground. "Stop it!! Your going to open your wounds again!!!"
She stopped struggling, looking up at him with a memory of fear in her eyes as her breathing became uneven.
Nuraka rolled off quickly when realizing her was on top of her. "Your not going till you've healed." He mumbled dully. "Here," he held a dark Red wavy food, it looked like Tree bark. "Eat it."
Xeseyta glared at him, "I am not going to eat that..." she rasped. too injured to speak higher. The boy sighed. "It's not poison or anything. if I wanted to kill You I'd of not helped You. It doesn't really have a Name... but, it's bitter, and it'll help You heal a lot quicker."
He put it up to her mouth, Xeseyta grabbed it with her teeth. if it helps her heal. then she'll be away from the stranger quicker. She tried to chew it but made a small whimper of pain when it fell beside her.
The boy sighed again. he seemed to do that a lot, Nuraka picked it up. bit his lip as he took a bite off of it. He chewed at it with his Fangs, and put his hands near both of hers keeping himself from falling on her.
Xeseyta eyes widened, a mouth-to-mouth transfer to her was too close to a kiss, she just swallowed it. wanting to kill him but too weak to accomplish that.
Nuraka chewed more, "Don't take it personal it's the way animals do so to their cubs or whatever..." he leaned over her again.
Drawing in her beautiful soothing scent that surrounded him, like blooming Flowers. like a Lotus Flower.
Sister's Notes: (As in, Me. Talking, NeonAngel. The one who made this Story was My Sis, I got her approval before putting it on here!)
"Why do you capitalize Paws, sometimes?" Capitalized 'Paws' makes Me think of big giant Doggy Paws! Or big Tiger Paws! Big Paws as big as your hands! It's so cute and furry!! ^^
"What is with the sometimes, 'Lied' instead of laid, or lay, or lie?" Some strange thing My Sis does...
Now about the punctuation, that is just kind of the way she writes. :/
"The ending was a bit... boring." Yea, She doesn't like to end the first Chapter of her Story with something big, just something calm, and sometimes, maybe something that leaves a few questions. She doesn't like to start the beginning of her Story out too fancy either, only something enough that is intriguing enough.
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Reviews
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Hoffmane21 reviewed Version 2 -
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Her hands curled into fists with determination, kicking off into the Water she made splash. -The way this is described leaves me confused. Why not say ‘with determination, she made her way into the water.’ The way it is described I cannot see it in my mind. Is she getting into a river? A bathtub? A shower? Lake? Or even “She made a splash as she kicked into the river?” something along those lines will give us a better idea of what is happening.
Who is Nuraka? I am getting a good dialogue from Xeseyta and Sevaki, and then all of a sudden this Nakura iss there. Can you find a way to introduce her sooner so that we know she is there? It threw me off guard because I was picturing Xeseyta bathing and Sevani on the lookout, and then there is a new character that seems to appear from nowhere. (Unless you have a prologue that I do not know of…) (hmmm reading on it looks like you have started on a new track with Nuraka and Seffruin. I know urbis can mess up formatting, but try to put in some * or something to let us know we are on a different scene after Xeseyta sings…
just disappointed his Brother had decided to talk again- why? If my brother wasn’t talking and he started again, I would be relieved. It makes me question their relationship.
A beautiful white furred canine asked him, hovering over Seffruin. -Try ‘canine asked Seffruin, hovering over him’.
She screamed, and screamed again once it sank it’s slimy teeth sank into her waist. -Try to remove one screamed. It is too repetitious. Maye, she screamed once, and then again as it sank…
The writing is good, but seems a bit rushed. So much is happening all at once. (Is there a prologue? If so I would like to read) You have good detail with Xeseyta and the felines/canines, but try for a little better description of the witiko’s. Are they small? Big? How high do they stand? ETC.
What is Xeseytra training for? Will that be mentioned later? I like the cliffhanger ending and it leaves me wanting to know what happens next.
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TaooftheRaven reviewed Version 2 -
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You’ve seemed to put a good deal of thought into your characters. I wasn’t entirely sure whether they’re supposed to be entirely human or what. Are they elfin, or something else? [His ears turned back, making the sounds coming from the Serra Forest easier to hear.] This makes it seem like they have animal senses maybe. I’m just curious to know who and what I’m reading about. Maybe define the world a little.
I understand that you don’t want grammatic corrections, and thats fine if your mostly interested in feedback on characters and such, but it’s hard to understand what’s going on if you don’t seperate conversations and make a clear line between each person speaking. Your dialogue just seems to run together and is a bit confusing in many places. I did notice you got better at this further in the piece, just remember to draw a clear beginging and end to each person speaking.
[Sevaki mumbled, closing her eyes to Xeseytai’s tenor singing, it travelled with the soft wind, carrying her voice further than could reach.
“Nuraka… Do you] I’m not exactly sure what happened here. It seems like you just went from a pair of characters to a completely different set of characters. Maybe say something like, only a short distance away… You know something to change the scene.
Your characters and overall story seems to be quite captivating, but I think with a bit more structuring and tuning you could have an excellent piece here. From what I read, your main characters have a good start and I love the idea of the talking animal companions. Just remember to try and keep things clear for the reader. It wont just make the story easier to read but it will also help define your characters and make each one stand out on his or her own.
TimeTravelingAcorns reviewed Version 2 -
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Soo, I don’t feel like your characters are human enough to relate with, which is a big part of whether a story becomes popular or not, and they seem just a bit Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu. There was way to much dialogue and not enough discriptive language. Know what I mean? the imagery was there, but I feel like it could have been improved upon.
Also, and I’m not mocking you or anything, but at the top you state that you know what’s wrong with the grammar so why not just go ahead and fix it?
or at least tell us you know in lowercase letters. The uppercase gives the impression that you’re arrogent.
Bex_ reviewed Version 1 -
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The only sci-fi I have ever read have been the works of Philip K. Dick, Orwell, Huxley and Atwood – the kind of sci-fi writers who go for a dystopian scene rather than concentrate on the fantastical. The only real “fantasy” I have ever read have been the dragon stories of Ursula le Guin. So I thought I would help out in this critique some general tips to make the writing stronger. I see you have included a box for marking out of 10 as to whether this would attract an agent or publisher. Don’t be disheartened that I have scored this with a low mark; every piece of writing is something that needs to grow, to be developed and re-developed until it becomes a slick, well-honed piece of writing. So, some tips for you:
Watch out for long, confusing sentences with too many clauses – not only does this divert people away from the situation, you will also lose their concentration, which means that a lot of the detail you have put into the piece is instantly lost.
Names need to be more memorable, and the characters need to be described more so that we can distinguish between them; at the moment it is a little confused.
A couple of spelling/grammatical points:
Your instead of you’re in places.
Spelt = spilt
Confused sentences; “One screamed wriggling in the mouth of someone.” All these things are ultimately offputting for anyone reading, so you need to make sure things look and feel professional.
No description of the “grajis” – I have no idea who or what these things are. We need more of a description for them, and even if you are going to hold of telling people until later in the plot why they are attacking your characters, you still need to give them some kind of purpose. It’s quite good that they almost come out of nowhere, the element of surprise is always a good technique. However, it needs to flow better, everything is a little disjointed; so you have your before event, then the grajis event, and then they disappear and you have your aftermath… but none of it seems to flow all that well.
Capitalisation of some nouns rather than others – if you are going to do this as a feature of your writing, you need some kind of consistency. Capitalise all or none, and if you are going to capitalise a small group of nouns throughout the text, do it with some kind of underlying purpose that the reader can pick up on. So, a group of words that are all linked in some way thematically, which add significance to what you are trying to say, if capitalised.
Shorter paragraphs – give the text a bit of a tidy.
Very long for a first chapter – its better to have a well crafted but very short chapter than a long winded but messy one.
Try and avoid weak peaces of dialogue that you don’t need/you can replace with something better. “Don’t take it personal it’s the way animals do so to their cubs or whatever…”
I hope this all helps!
KidTruth reviewed Version 1 -
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The glossy hair, the lush curvy lush body.
They all turned towards a direction
No more getting kicked in the stomach, slammed on My back. or anything.
his Cat like eyes glared at him, they weren’t really. but the shape of his egyptian eyes made it look like he was, when he was agitated in any way
Who’s is this voice?
Above are just some of the phrases in this that I have some problems with. It looks like your diction and syntax need some work; I recommend taking this back and really going at it with an eye for clarity and sentence structure. You have a good story goin on here you just have to dust it off and make it shine.
DecoyarBrown reviewed Version 1 -
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This was good. I enjoyed it. But I wish you were more clear on being an author other than telling a story.
what I mean by that is, You didnt take the time to tell us about the characters, and what time period are they in, are they on earth, another universe what are they. Are they cats or mutant cats? just have to go by dialogue by what they are saying.
but i think it was good. I found alot of mistakes but I’m sure someone on here will help you with that(if they don’t slaughter you stuff.lol) you don’t have to caps most of the words you did. if you want the word to stand out just quote it.
but it is something i would read. i Get the feel I am reading a fable or a tale or something like that. I like they first character you introduced Xesyta or something like that. She is cool. I am drawn to her characteristics. I will give you a 10 on story but a 7 on not clearing up most stuff like where they from and what are they.
looking forward on reading the rest. :-)
dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
Read 36% of the Item
Pg 1: You change the POV…first it’s Xeseytai’s then it’s Sevaki, pick one and stick to it cause then you’ll confuse you’re reader.
You and getting injured everyday and second. – this is an incomplete phrase. It doesn’t here.
Xeseyta let out [a] growled sigh. “It’s not me who’s doing it, Sevaki,” [with] a hint of annoyance in her voice.
putting [m]e through
him[.] No more
back or anything.” – Omit the period and lowercase your ‘m’
Her hands curled into fists with determination, pushing off the ground to jump, rolling in the air into the shining lake making a splash that got on Sevaki. – Her hand curled into fists with determination. Pushing off the ground, she jumped and rolled in the air into the shining lake, splashing Sevaki on impact. (something along those lines would work much better.)
don’t you think somebody might see [y]ou?
how [y]ou are about being seen naked
Pg 2: Try separating your dialogue. Having it meshed into the paragraph can confuse the reader on who’s speaking. – Check you capitalization as well. You have a lot of errors with I showed above with page one’s corrections. Also you have periods and comma’s in the wrong places. You change your POV too…from Nuraka to Seffruin.
“I don’t think it. I know it.” [H]is©at[-]like eyes glared at him.
they weren’t really. but the shape of his egyptian eyes made it look like he was, when he was agitated in any way. – This statement is confusing down to it’s core. Either it was a glare or it wasn’t. And you have too many ‘he’ ‘him’ ‘his’ Maybe a distinct description would be good here so the reader can determine who is who. For instance, when I ran into the problem of using ‘he’ ‘his’ or ‘him’ in one sentence too much, I had to rewrite and give a description. Example from my story: I had: He wanted him to join forces with the Faoladh’s so that he would remain controlled. – I replaced it with: He wanted the young lad to join forces with the Faoladh’s, allies to his kind. – I hope that explained it. Not only that, when you use the names or descriptions of the person, it helps with dialogue.
his Sword[,] turning
Seffruin bit his [bottom] lip, drawing blood [with] [his] sharp [f]angs. (omit- that dug into his bottom lip)
Nuraka dodged the rock that was thrown from behind at him calmly without any jolt, knowing it was coming at him. – This doesn’t make sense. Try to rephrase. How can you calmly dodge anything? There’s always a little bit of a jolt with dodging something whether you knew it was coming or not.
hearing a voice sing[ing] lightly[.] [H] pricked his ears to sharpe[n] [his hearing]. – What was the result of him perking his ears?
He walked away from Nuraka, ignoring his voice and treading into the Forest. - Nurarka’s voice in the background, Seffruin ignored him and walked into the forest.
He realized it was a Female singing as her ventured closer to the voice. – Here is the result of him perking his ears to sharpen his hearing. But this needs to be by that not after he wonders off. Then after you can add: As he ventured closer, the females voice grew louder.
Seffruin stopped at a [t]ree that [sat] on a slope[.] [T]ilting himself to the side, [he] see[s] [the] [f]emale. – After that you jump right into her description. What is she doing? Is she in the water? Out of the water? Elaborate so that the reader can envision it.
A soft gentle face, beautiful©rimson [o]range [a]methyst eyes. Thick sharp eyebrows, a very curvaceous body by her curved in waist. She stroked her glimmering[,] silky [v]iolet hair with her©laws, singing a song like a soft sad lullaby. – Don’t need to capitalize the ‘crimson orange amethyst’ – Start the sentence with something like, She had a soft gentle face with beautiful crimson orange amethyst eyes under thick sharp eyebrows. – As for the ‘curvaceous body by her curved in waist’ it doesn’t sound right. I wouldn’t even know how to begin to rephrase that portion.
The fact that he was spying on her wouldn’t come to his mind. – Ummm…okay? How can it not come to his mind if it’s a fact? This is confusing.
Pg 3
She sang in the crystal lake, shaking [the water] out of her hair. – Omit – her head to get
He tried to tear his eyes away (omit-from her)[,] but he couldn’t[.] (omit-slipping on the slope.) Not watching where he[‘d] stepped, he [slipped, then fell quickly down the slope,] [crashing] [to] the ground with a “Whoa-!!!”
Seffruin sat up, [spat] out dirt [then] wip[ed] his mouth with his [w]hite sleeve. (omit- he stopped. Noticing eyes that were on him – Why because first of all he hadn’t looked up yet so he can’t notice anything) He dared to look up to see the female standing there with shocked, wide eyes.
I got halfway through page three and had to stop cause it was late. I will finish it though. So far, it’s not that interesting of a start. Most beginnings need some action, excitement. Is this a paranormal romance? Sci-Fi romance? If so, I think you might be on the right track for it, but you still need something to grip the reader with the first couple of paragraphs. It held my attention because of the names. I thought they sounded original. Now, because of the errors in grammar and punctuation, I wasn’t able to get far. I say start with what I’ve suggested and take it from there. I’m hoping to pick it back up first thing tomorrow. I hope this helps.
PrepPunkWannabe reviewed Version 1 -
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The story line is sort of interesting, but difficult to follow. There are too many characters that just appear and then disappear, it’s difficult to keep track.
Also, if the point is to get this published, the punctuation and random capitalization can’t just be “something that she does”. No one is going to publish something with all of those errors. If you sister can write without all the errors, she should, and if she can’t, she’s going to need someone to read over it and tell her where the problems are.
The story does have potential, so keep it up.
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