Poetry / Dying in November

It was a pretty good poem, but it wasn’t as enjoyable to read as other poems. Could just be a personal preferance. To make it a bit more clear that it’s her husband that died, you could include a pronoun. “The good life of love, sex, food, books and music?” The word sex interrupts the flow for me, if you could find another word like ‘joy’ or something, that would really help. You had pretty good flow until that. Keep writing because you have something to write about!

This poem shows a great deal of talent but could use some technical help.

The poet has a fine voice; her sadness comes through clearly. Also, I like the oblique reference to the poem’s emotional center—the father’s death.

The premise is affecting—a woman looks at her daughter and remembers the father. The poem carries her meditation on the loss through successfully to the end, holding the reader’s attention with some great writing: “the heat in our bones and beds,” and “sift further/into the deep/searching like semen”.

Perhaps most important, the poet is writing from experience; the opening reads like a straightforward memory (always a good place to start).

What the poem lacks is tension. One senses that there is a disaster waiting to be revealed, but when it comes, we don’t have quite enough information to make out the backstory: how did the man die? Suicide, an accident, or (perhaps worst of all) something that looks like an accident but feels like a suicide? Did he jump or was a car involved? Above all, what was the problem underlying the death? Just a couple of extra words at the end would clear up these questions while leaving the indirect voice intact.

The other problem here is prolixity leading to a lack of focus. First off, get rid of the reference to our mothers and grandmothers: this poem is far too specific to include a general feminist theme. The father is dead because of some purely personal problem he failed to solve. On the same note, I’d get rid of the description of the good life—this has to be one of the most subjective realities. From a publications standpoint, I’d cut the number of lines by 10 or more. Two-word lines are going to make magazines screech.

Finally, the ending didn’t satisfy me. A long poem is like a short story: the main character has to change in some fundamental way as a result of what happens in the poem. But at the end, I feel that the narrator is still blocked and frustrated. The reader needs to find out more about the man’s death, and the narrator has to learn something new from the experience. Either her grief needs to lessen or her insight into what happened must be deepened. Dreams (and poetry) are for healing.

The poet is working with some powerful material here. Good luck with the rewrite!

I think maybe the title throws me off a lil about this poem.  I truly understand the message, however, I feel it is more of a letter to someone.  To me this particular poem was not the peak of your talent, but you do have some great talent and should continue writing.  I suggest the way the poem is broken up maybe could be changed.  I think the format and the title may take some points away from the beauty of the poem.

The reader can feel the pain and the mood is set well. The wording is very well done but the piece isn’t very clear. But all in all, it is very good. It makes the reader think and explore thier own thoughts. I love the line, ’...we are all dying in November…’ because everything starts to shut off and die in November for autumn and winter. It is very well drawn out. Keep up the great writing!
Flamebringer15

i think the issue here is about whether you’re writing poetry or just meandering
it starts off as just a prose reminiscence and then moves on to something solid so you need to tighten it

this bit is really poetry however;
I made my way
through empty apartments
that had white squares on the walls
where pictures used to hang and
(with)hairpins in the corner
of abandoned bedrooms…

Whoa!  What a sad piece but so emotional. I love how you described the searching like semen.  That’s awesome.

I did notice a spelling error in this sentence.

“forgetting that the heat in out bones and our beds”

I truly enjoyed reading this piece and how well the thoughts just flowed together.

Ok…needs a little discription of who she or he is and who died…plese:)

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October 22, 2009

by loveandrockets28

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
114	79.2% (24 votes)	33.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
30	M	Phoenix, AZ	November 08

umm.. you only read half of it:)

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I don’t think the “searching” section really fits the way it is. You could get rid of “only” in the “only now” The rest is really good. Simple, poignant. I enjoyed this.

I really like it as a short story more than a poem. It doesn’t feel finished. The transitions from one idea to the next could be smoother and clearer.

I love the line, “with frightening ease…
You had abandoned me”
I assume it a lover that’s refered to, and that their dead. Did they take their life? It’s unclear.

This is good.  I can already tell who the author is without checking thanks to your style of breaking up your lines – which I am still not really feeling.  I just can’t hear it spoken in my head without getting this goofy coffee shop vibe of
“And then the wind… pause for five seconds BLEW THROUGH THE TREES. beats drum and pauses for another five seconds and it was chilly… takes drag of cigarette I GOT A JACKET!...

You get the idea.  All these ellipses and short lines just don’t flow to me.  But then again, the actual content is good and heartfelt and emotional and all that, so formatting is probably the best problem to have if you had to pick one.  

Also, the line “searching like semen”.  Seemed a little out of place and kinda make me snork.

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October 17, 2009

by loveandrockets28

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
114	79.2% (24 votes)	33.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
30	M	Phoenix, AZ	November 08

it makes a lot of people snork lol… and i see what you mean about the lines. thanks for your time and review!

October 19, 2009

by KidTruth

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
65	72.7% (44 votes)	38.3%

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25	M	Houston, TX	November 10

NP man you are very talented and you know how to take constructive criticism, you have the potential to take your poetry very far.

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