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Non-fiction / Still Holding On~

I stood there hopelessly watching my grandmother struggle to breathe as she lay in her hospital bed, in the green room of her small, but rather comfy home.. The room seemed dark and disheartening even with the light on in the corner. I headed towards the futon that was neighboring her hospital bed.
I sat there completely stunned at my grandma's appearance. It felt like the silence in the room had grabbed my voice and snatched it vigorously out of my throat. Her body lay there motionlessly, eyes remained shut, her shoulder length hair was now a buzz cut and she looked scarcely thin. She couldn?t even walk anymore because her legs were so skinny. I stared blankly at her for a long time then slowly closed my eyes. A mental picture of her was now placed permanently in my memory.
Wanting her to talk, but understanding the circumstances I desperately reached out and held her hand firmly. A familiar pain made my heart drop to the bottom of my stomach. I tried greatly to fight back my tears as I remembered when my great grandmother had suffered from cancer as well.
Barely being able to see through the tears held in my eyes, I immediately broke down and cried. Memories flashed continuously through my head as I rushed to cover my face. Losing another loved one from cancer was hard, but not wanting to say goodbye was even harder.

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Reviews

October 14, 2009

jalubcarrey

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
180	75.5% (94 votes)	29.2%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
37	M	Muncie, IN	November 21

jalubcarrey reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

The first line has two periods at the end.

“I headed towards the futon that was neighboring her hospital bed.” How about “I sat down on the futon next to her hospital bed.”

“grabbed my voice and snatched it vigorously out of my throat.” Excellent!

“Her body lay there motionless, eyes shut, her shoulder length hair cut short. She looked extremely thin and could no longer walk. Her thin, frail legs could no longer support her.

You are suffering from the same kinds of stylist errors that I have. You want to write in a unique style, maybe, but in doing so the language reads unnaturally. Try this:
“Wanting her to talk, but understanding the circumstances, I desperately reached out and held her hand firmly.” change to: “Wanting her to talk, but understanding her inability to speak, I desperately reach out to her, firmly grasping her hand.”

Be careful with verb tense (past, present and future.)

A familiar pain made my heart drop to the bottom of my stomach. I tried greatly to fight back my tears as I remember when my great grandmother (great-grandmother). . . had also suffered from cancer.

Good job overall. This displays a high level of ability. It doesn’t read like poetry, so you might have to change your thinking on what this is. If it is poetry, then you should put more into it, more suggestive details, more memories of what grandma meant to the author. Keep working!