An IRA bomb did go off in Manchester in 996- fact. It did destroy a large part of the shopping area and some offices. The area has been rebuilt and is looking very shiny now! Some good points here. Thanks
Screenplay / Once Upon Scene 2 w/recap
INT. HALL-DAY
FAST CUTS
A graduate recruitment fair: A room full of mostly twenty-one-year-olds hoping to find the perfect job. Graduates and final year students are queuing to meet managers, with plastic name badges and plastic smiles, standing in front of large billboards. Business names are proudly displayed all round. Many business reps from these companies look placidly at Tom’s CV and hand it back to him.
Tom walks away from one stall, on the verge of losing his nerve. His eyes are reddened from hay fever. He leans on one of the end stalls and drops the goody bags he got from the companies. Blows his nose. Takes a sip from a carton of free orange juice. A free newspaper he received shouts, “HOTTEST SUMMER ON RECORD”.
At the other end of the hall, there’s a man in a black suit on an unmarked stall- MR DEVANT. He’s aged forty with a distinctive, clean-cut south-England accent. He’s separate from the other stalls, and he’s waiting. Devant and Tom lock eyes.
They are the only people paying each other attention. Tom picks up his bags and walks over with a trained smile.
TOM
Nice stall.
DEVANT
Thank you.
Devant nods to the rest of the room.
DEVANT
Seen anything you like?
TOM
I’ve seen loads I fancy. They just don’t like me. Story of my life. That’s what happens when you do a media degree instead of something remotely worthwhile.
DEVANT
I was just curious. How long have you lived in Manchester?
TOM
All my life. Bolton Born and Bred! I’m a proud Manc, it’s safe to say.
Tom puts his fist on his heart and grins.
Devant studies Tom for a second.
DEVANT
You’ll have seen the city change, then.
TOM
Yes. Yeah… I was in town when the bomb went off in ’Ninety-six. I was supposed to get on a bus near there, but I was running late. It’s funny. Since then they’ve built hundreds of offices but, seemingly, I can’t work in a single one of them.
DEVANT
And you’re looking for a new challenge to completely immerse yourself in.
TOM
Absolutely.
DEVANT
Do you have a CV?
TOM
Yes…?
Tom’s unsure as to who this guy is.
DEVANT gestures for Tom to sit on a chair. It belongs on the next stall, but Tom takes it anyway. Devant studies the sheet of paper. His eyebrows rise.
Tom is about to ask a question but Devant beats him to it.
DEVANT
How many words was this film censorship essay?
TOM
Ten thousand.
DEVANT
Interesting. What do you want to do?
TOM
I’ve been asking myself that for some time.
TOM (V/O)
Please God… Deliver me from administration…
TOM
I know one thing: I don’t ever want to work in an office for the rest of my existence.
DEVANT
Sounds like you’ve had a hard time since you left University.
Tom nods in self-pity.
TOM
I’m tired of selling myself with an air of, uh, pretentious enthusiasm.
DEVANT
You’ve got good qualifications; you’ve had plenty of work… What’s going wrong?
TOM cuts the mustard.
TOM
My degree left me with the beginnings of a few useless skills, and an immensely crippling debt. Although I enjoyed uni and don’t see any point in regretting it, I’m still bitter that it has done nothing to improve my employability. My esteem is low. I have left out numerous jobs from my CV that didn’t last ‘cause I either couldn’t understand them or couldn’t tolerate them. The part time jobs I had while at uni left me with no decent work experience, unless you count pulling girls who probably weren’t old enough to be in the bar in the first place. There wasn’t even that much work to do throughout three years of study, so most of the time I just drank too much and generally made a tit out of myself. They still let me graduate- miraculously- and since then all I’ve done is move from one temp job to another. I’m beginning to think that there is NOTHING I can make a career out of.
Tom looks at the floor, like he’s just sold his soul to the devil. Then he gets out of his seat, exhausted.
TOM (mumbling)
There’s always the job centre again…
DEVANT (All business)
There’ll be a lot of opportunity in this city very soon.
Tom Pauses; sits back down.
DEVANT
I’m looking for someone who not only is able to handle responsibility but who has a certain amount of pride in Manchester- someone who is very comfortable handling people from all areas of society. Someone who can deal with a frequent change of scenery, working with representatives from businesses like bars, banks, shops, some offices, but you won’t be there long, believe me.
TOM
So there’s travel in the job, then?
DEVANT
Oh yes. Suit and tie work. Responsibility. You will be required to liase with a variety of very important people in the private and public sector of Manchester.
DEVANT (Patronising)
Some of them girls…
Tom picks up on this. Cuts him off.
TOM
What’s the pay like?
DEVANT
Like no other job you’ve ever had, I can assure you. The average student debt is fourteen grand. Am I right?
TOM
Uh, I dunno.
DEVANT
I am. Is that your figure?
TOM
Probably. I don’t really wanna check, to be honest.
DEVANT
Fourteen grand happens to be the average starting salary for graduates, strangely enough.
TOM
That’s what they say. I graduated a year ago and I never got that much. So far, none of my mates from uni have either. So, would you like to interview me?
DEVANT
I don’t think so.
TOM- Disappointment.
DEVANT (deadpan)
How about I just give you a cheque for fourteen grand right now.
Tom searches for any sign that Devant is bluffing, and coughs as he tries to smooth things over.
TOM
Yeah, sure.
Devant takes out a chequebook and, with the last cheque in it, writes one out for Tom. From Tom’s perspective, the writing is upside down.
Tom can’t believe what is happening. Tom is trying to act professional, as if this happens every day. But he’s still looking for the catch. Tom cuts the mustard.
TOM
Sorry mate, but I don’t believe for a second that this cheque isn’t going to bounce.
DEVANT
Of course you don’t. And I don’t believe that anyone will ask you about your newly replenished bank account. Creditors will not contact you.
TOM
Hang on. How do you know I’m not just going to disappear with this?
Devant holds up Tom’s CV.
DEVANT (a little threatening, but with charm)
I can easily find out more.
TOM
Wait a minute. What is the business? What’s the whole thing about? And is this for like a year, or…
DEVANT
Wait for the phone call please Mr…
(Checks CV)
DEVANT
Charnock.
DEVANT starts for the door.
TOM
Wait, Mr, er,
(Checks cheque)
Tom
Devant- is this not your stall?
DEVANT
No, Mr Charnock. I’m squatting, or so you could say. Keep your phone on.
Devant fold up Tom’s CV, sticks it in an inside pocket and walks off, through the crowds of people and out of the room.
Tom’s staring at the cheque- £14084.51
Fourteen thousand and eighty-four pounds and fifty-one pence. Tom ditches the branded bags and folds up the cheque, sticking it in his jeans as he walks out with an uneasy smile.
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oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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Is “queuing” the right word here? I know it fits but “looking” might be a plainer use of the language.
It belongs on …it belongs to or in might be more fitting words.
cuts the mustard…this is Colloquial language. Can you use another more formal expression. Many might not know what “cuts the mustard” means. Some attribute it to sexual intercourse..
I enjoyed uni and don’t see any point in regretting it, I’m still bitter ….
This is contradictory. But he IS bitter. It seems that he makes an effort not to regret it but is still bitter. You might change the language to reflect that he’s bitter but has tried not to be.
pulling girls…what do you men here? what does “pulling” mean?
Devant fold up ..do you mean “folds?”
Very intriguing. Perhaps he has sold his soul to old Nick. The name Devant is so close to Deviant. Is this a clue? i like it as i do all the things you write. It has mystery and leaves the reader wondering what kind of job pays this much. I hope to see more of the plot. I have left suggestions at the top. Sandi
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DecoyarBrown reviewed Version 1 -
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This wasn’t too bad. It seem more like a script than a story. Or I didn’t bother to look what category it was in. I like the way you go back and forth with the dialoque it was interesting and differetnt for me, it took me a while to catch on. I didn’t understand full why Devant gave Tom the check, I might have mist it in the earlier part of the story.
but i I think Uni should be caps, since it is a place.
other than that it was great.
loveandrockets28 reviewed Version 1 -
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this has the making of a thoroughly enjoyable film. i’m dying to see what happens. i raised an eyebrow at tom’s speech. an apt snapshot of life after uni with a completely useless degree. without more scritp i’m loath to give any direction as far as structure or flow. keep ir up!
KidTruth reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey wow, I like this. Usually I don’t like the things I read here either. I can tell from your style that I’ve read another of your screenplays and I think this one is superior, it is played-down but still mysterious and has a sense not only of things beginning, but you get a feeling that Mr. Devant has been at this for a while. I think it’s important in these short pieces to really hint at a larger moving plot, which you’ve done wonderfully here.
A few bits of the dialogue don’t feel right to me but I’m an American. Still, I’m not feeling the pacing on “Yes. Yeah… I was in town when the bomb went off in ’Ninety-six. I was supposed to get on a bus near there, but I was running late. It’s funny. Since then they’ve built hundreds of offices but, seemingly, I can’t work in a single one of them.” The “seemingly” feels out of places, like no one would really say this. Also I don’t get the link between the bomb and all the new offices. I’m assuming this bomb didn’t destroy hundreds of offices that were later rebuilt, so why phrase it like that?
also at the end – “is this not your stall?” Is an odd response to someone leaving. Wouldn’t his natural thought be that Mr. Devant was just abandoning his stall? IE “Don’t you have to stay and recruit more people?” etc.
Anyway, great work here.
music1358 reviewed Version 1 -
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Quite a nice opening scene. Maybe you could do it in the format. centering the character names, that sort of thing. But I mainly want a little more background stuff going on as the main scene happens. I like the taking the chair from another stall. More of that. Devant could take a pen from somewhere else, or he is sipping from a cup with the logo for a major bank. The other thing I think doesn’t quite work is the revelations. Try and tell us that Tom has worked in many places another way. Leave out some of the information he blurts out. That is not realistic. A bit more to and fro between the two men would be good. Devant could drag more info out. This is pretty good. I’m interested to see what happens next.
dukelemoyne reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow! Nice opening. Very intriguing. Draws you in so you want to see more, which I do.
Formatting – The piece is easy to understand, but strict adherence to format is important to gain attention from a major studio.
Please continue. Thanks for the read.
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