Journal, Diary, & Blogging / I Want To Let Them Know I'm Here...

If anything, I think all my questions stem from my own need to just be brave.

     Somehow, this is all beyond us. It sits in some distant horizon just over and passed the glowing, unearthly realm of postulation and truth. There, in some maze of dead ends and cultism, it waits. Very calm, it barely moves and throughout the current of time as you hopelessly weave toward it, it begins to reach out to you. Even you, whom probably will not see this coming, subconsciously reach out for it. Then, it takes you. Now, you are just gone. To where? I don’t know and, as of late, I don’t care. Just know that whomever awaits you there isn’t me and I don’t expect to see you either.
    There’s something divinely apocalyptic about my whole perspective now, I think. I don’t look at it without seeing something in bloom. Not really a flower, but more like a cloud. The closer the cloud is to the sun, the darker it becomes. Shadows and optics see to that. With the sun behind my blooming “it” cloud, the whit fluffiness goes away and the dark, malice comes out. Case and point; one should not stare into the sun.

   Confused? I hope so. If you understand any of what I just wrote, then you’re probably more like me than you’d want to be right now. It’s not a good place, but it’s one of reflection and thought. Two process which I have begun to master with time. it’s this kind of thinking anyway that brings enlightenment, so I’m told, and perhaps gave us little wise tidbits like this;
                                             

                                         Native American Tale-
                                A little boy asks his chief one day
                      “Why does the Great Spirit send us troubles?”
                   After a moment of quiet thought, the chief responds
      “We ask the Great Spirit for strength, it sends us troubles to make us stronger.”

   I keep this story with me. It reminds me of what life can mean in the long run. Burdens aren’t always burdens just because they are heavy. Over time, we grow stronger and the weight lessens. I don’t know, it’s one of the most enlightened things I’ve ever heard.
   Throughout the course of my mothers successive stays in this hospital and my grandmothers ordeal when I was around 10 or 11, I’ve come to trust in retreating to horizon of my own beliefs. Why? That thought keeps repeating inside my head. Why? To whoever wants to listen. God, Buddha, Allah, Vishnu, whoever wants to answer me, go ahead. They don’t, of course. The supposed cost of faith is being blind and unsure through out your life. It’s almost like the purpose of religious evidence is to give followers just enough to cling onto but not enough to confirm anything. They say it’s why you need faith and I say it’s why cults that make people kill themselves are so easy to pull off.
   Don’t get me wrong, I live in tremendous awe of people who are totally committed to their God. What I wouldn’t give to be sure there was a heaven and to be sure that someone was looking out for me. Just to KNOW I’m not alone in here. Alas, for me, all this has done (divine tests or otherwise) has been to make me certain of only two things; 1: If I can find a pencil and paper, I’ll have some refuge and 2; As long as television exists, so will Christmas.
   I find sometimes I write myself into oblivion and I never manage to write my way back out again. Maybe I cross lines and maybe I drift to far out for my own good, but I think I exist out here. You know the cliché “Outside the Box”? I think I live outside, outside the box. Most people swim out here and then turn back after awhile, I just float. Maybe that’s why I want to be a writer (a horror writer no less). I don’t think I’ll make it if I don’t pull off being successful in some creative outlet. I’d explode otherwise. I think it’s fate for me to need notebook somewhere near me at all times. Perhaps these trails are just fodder for my imagination in some capacity?
   I broke two rules just now, I ended a paragraph in a question and I discovered a nearly self-centered universe within that paragraph. Look for it.
   I used to attend church weekly. I remember sitting in the pews listening to the pasture give a sermon about something that I, at that age, didn’t fully understand. I used to think of Sunday morning church as a nuisance and a waste of time, but I went because, well, you were supposed to go to church on Sunday’s. Then I got really sick and almost died. I recovered and have been back to church on a regular basis since then. I’ve also never been that sick again.
   I practice Shinto. It’s an Eastern religion not seen so much in the West because we don’t intake culture to much here, we just migrate our own ideas elsewhere. It’s practiced mainly in Japan and deals with the five elements and harmony. I like it because it’s peaceful. There can be no “Holy War” over this religion. There’s no “Holy Land” or “Holy Artifact” for “Holy Warriors” to engage in “Holy Battle in the Name of ____” over. Everyone is entitled to everything in it. There own idea’s, ways of worship, and everything else. It’s flows, just like I want to and I think that’s how it should be.
   I don’t know why I wrote this. I wanted to. To you this could seem like just three pages, but I can see the web I wrote it from which covers hundreds. I said I’m on the outside, of the outside of the box perhaps I’m just letting you know I’m here.

Simon Trust (K.B.)
 

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