Short Story / When the Circus Comes To Town

                       

     It’s been almost a year since the Circus came to town. Naturally I got excited when I got an invitation to go. A ticket for one, my very own private show which is something I deserved. I mean I have waited patiently for almost a year now. The last time I was there was a mess but I thought perhaps they have cleaned up their act and came back to apologize for the last disaster.

     However there are some new additions this time. I suppose after almost a year they recruited some really entertaining acts. When I got there I was greeted by the Ring Master, an expert on words who knows just how to draw you in and open you up. She greeted me and welcomed me into her world of magic and illusions. She has grown since the last time I saw her, she has changed and developed into something I always knew she would be. Her ambiance is no longer calm, her body is no longer reserved and her smile is more random than it once was and her teeth are black and jagged. I was once in love with her but that was a long time ago. When she joined the Circus she began to change. Slowly she became a stranger to me and then one night, the girl whom I cared so much for simply vanished, but once a year she comes back and I obediently go to her. Wanting only to see her and waiting for the invitation which shows me that she still thinks about me.

     When I get there the Ring Master takes me by the hand and we enter the big tent. Her hand feels so warm and strong in mine and I am glad that at least that has not changed. First I am taken to the Lovely Virgins. This is a new act because it was not here last year. The Virgins have very beautiful bodies and they possess the features I can only dream about. However they all wear masks that that cover up their faces and make them look like beautiful porcelain dolls. They dance around me waving their arms through the air and twisting their legs with every step. They are whispering things to me, as they dance, telling me that I will “never be one of them. “ Another says “You will never get to forever stay with the Ring Master in the Big Top” and another one whispers “You are only a forgotten visitor who will leave this place but we will never leave your mind” They are all painted with colors that make all the girls mesh into one when they dance. It is almost like a Hurricane of the colors you see when you close your eyes.

     By now I am getting confused. I am starting to hurt at all the poking and prodding they are doing as they circle me. I can’t even decipher the words they are saying anymore. I stand in one place and cover my ears and close my eyes. That is when the Ring Master takes me by the hand and leads me away from them. She tells me how she loves them but at the same time they are ugly and she does not desire them. We walk in complete darkness. I try and stick my other hand out to feel for objects. However we are going at such a fast pace I have to concentrate not to trip over my own feet. The Ring Master must have walked this path before. She is moving so fast and talking so casually it’s almost like she has this all memorized.

     She takes me to the center ring. There is only one very bright light that turns on when we get there. It shines from directly above us, it aluminates us, and only us. The Ring Master moves closer to me and tells me how good I look and how she always thinks about the last time I was at the Circus. She moves closer to me and unbuttons my shirt. She tells me that no matter where she travels she knows I will always be in the same place. She knows how to find me. My shirt falls to the ground and she moves in to grab my tits. We I lean in and kiss her immediately. It is hard and I open myself up to her and take her in. I want her inside of me. She pinches on my nipples and twists them, sending electricity through my body, making my legs weak. She walks into me forcing me to walk backwards, falling onto a bed that was not there a few seconds ago. This is the Circus after all and the Ring Master knows all the tricks.

     She tears off my clothes and says to me “ I want to fuck you so hard” and almost automatically I reply “I want you to fuck me.” She climbs on top of me and buts her broken teeth over my nipple and bites down. She bites until my blood drips down my side. She knows how to hurt me by making it feel so good. I look down at her to see her smiling, as she chews on my flesh. Her lips are smeared with my blood and all I can do is grab her hair and push her mouth harder onto my breast. She spreads my legs apart and climbs in between. She slides her hand over my clit and asks me “Are you wet?.” I smile because she knows that I am and I say “Yes.” She slides her fingers up and down my pussy paying specific attention to my clit. By now my breathing as quickened and is loud.

     I close my eyes and enjoy all the sensations running through my body. That is when I feel a sharp pain shoot up my back. I let out a little scream and open my eyes to see her fucking me, not with her fingers. She is fucking me like how a man fucks a woman. She pumps and pumps and with every thrust she goes in harder and deeper. She grabs my bloodied nipple and pulls on it and asks me “ Who the fuck is the boss?” and with a voice that emits pain and bliss I reply “You, you are the boss.” I don’t know what she is doing, she is doing so much. This all hurts so much I could cry but it feels so good I never want it to end.

     She is an expert at everything and she knows it. “You’re a fucking whore arnt you?” She says in a booming voice. It’s almost like I don’t hear her with my ears, I am hearing her with my mind, inside my head. “Yes” is an automated response and it is demanded by her. She thrusts into me hitting my wall and forcing it back. Something is happening now and she knows it. “You better fucking cum.” she says and seconds later “you better fucking cum now” she demands. “Yes” I say as I feel my body tense up. I scream and I hear my voice echo into the darkness. “You better fucking say my name” she says. I scream her name as I let my body go and cum all over her. I say it over and over again, louder and louder. She cum’s inside of me and I cum onto her.

     Then the light goes out. She is no longer on top of me. Now the previous actions are taking their full toll on me. I feel only pain now as my body is assessing the damage from that assault. My eyes water and I start to panic. I am no longer on the bed but standing there dressed, in complete darkness. I reach out and feel the cool air on the back of my hands. I start to walk, searching for the Ring Master.

     Just then she takes me by the hand once again and pulls me close to her. We walk slowly in complete darkness but she knows where she is going. It hurts me to walk and she knows it and she is careful now.

     She lets go of my hand and suddenly a light turns on from above me. I am standing there looking for her but all I see are monkeys jumping around and clowns performing various tricks. I cannot even count the monkeys because they are all moving so fast. One comes up to me and lifts his hat and bows. He climbs up onto my shoulder and says to me “You desire what you had but you do not want it either.” Then he jumps off my shoulder and bounces back into the crowd. Another one comes up to me and is bouncing in front of me and says “No matter where you go, the master will know!” Then they all rush towards me, swarming.

     They are all saying things like “Forget those who have forgotten you!” and other riddles that are so different but mean the same thing. I close my eyes and hear their high pitched voices. I hear their words and I start to get frightened. Then almost as soon as they came, they disappeared. I open my eyes and the clowns are left standing there. They are all smiling at me. They are wearing masks too, but this time they are not painted like porcelain dolls. The masks are the faces of the Ring Master.

     One comes up to me and holds out a flower. I smile and take it and then he starts to laugh. I look down and it is a stick of dynamite. I drop it. Another one rides a little bike up to me and holds out a heart shaped box. I take it and carefully open it up. He rides off and I realise that the contents is chopped up meat. I drop it as well. I start to run not caring where I go. The clowns chase me on their bikes and in little cars. Perhaps it would be more appropriate to say that the “Ring Masters” were chasing me. They throw things at me like candy, flowers and confetti and at the same time balloons are falling all around me making loud cracking sounds when they touch the ground and explode. I run as fast as I can but they are just as fast and the objects fly through the air towards me. I turn arround and  I see the Ring Masters and the explosions but up ahead I see nothing but black.

     I am running through the darkness hoping that the real Ring Master will be there once again. That she will show up and take me by the hand. However she does not. All I hear now is my feet hitting the ground. I no longer hear the explosions and the engines of the clowns. I stop running and turn around but all I can see is darkness in all directions, everything is all gone now. Then once again a light turns on above me and I am standing in front of flap. There is a sign above it that is blinking “Good Bye!” in red, bold letters. This must be the exit.

     I crawl through and feel the fresh air upon my face. I breathe deep. It is raining. I look around and see only black and shadows. The moonlight highlights the tops of the tents. I breathe out a sigh of relief. I turn around and start to walk home. As I leave I hear the Ring Master in my head. She says “Come back tomorrow.” And I will. I will go back tomorrow to see her- I have to.
For the rest of the night I endure the pain my body is going through. I do not sleep because I cannot help but wonder what it is the Virgins and the monkeys meant. I wonder why the pretty things the clowns gave me turned into such horrible objects. I lay awake all night, never closing my eyes once.

    

     The next day I go back. I enter the field where the Circus was but there is nothing there. There are no cars, there are no tents there is just a sign. A big wooden sign with a flyer nailed to it. It has the Ring Masters face on it. Painted across of it says “Closed Forever.” I wonder what happened. She told me to come back and I did, and once again the Circus is gone. Hanging on none of the nails is a little ring. It sparkles in the moonlight. I take it and inspect it closely. Inside, engraved it says “Ha Ha.” This must be from her. So I drop it, not caring if I ever see the Circus again.
 

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Curtastrophe avatar General Stranger

October 22, 2009

Curtastrophe Prolific-icon-medium

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Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 - Read 50% of the Item

With respect . . . Per reviewer’s notes: Firstly, please don’t apologize--“I wrote this in a rush. It is horribly put together and It is something I really wish to develop. This is the first draft. I hope to add more “acts” to it, as soon as I can figure them out.”--for the way the story came out. It colors an otherwise objective reviewer’s mind that this is going to be a busted-out tale. Secondly, the formatting is right on. You took the time, and congrats.

I only get “credited” for a review under 401 words. This review will be that and then some, so so don’t take the previous musing as a nasty scheme to snatch me some creditos, bandito. Gracias.

I think the best part of this short story is the ending.  You close strong. Solid. Was it a dream? A memory? A fantasy? Worst of all, it could be a reality. Sad.

However, the worst part of this I think was the beginning. It was weak, no offense. Why did the character get an invitation to be the only one? Why was it a mess? These are things that as an author, you know . . . However, I, as the reader, felt a bit in the dark because I didn’t understand the context, or resonance of the opening premise. Explore these situations and perhaps place them in the story. In its current incarnation, this story feels like a middle and an end—no beginning.    

A majority of the sentences are bloated. I would trim them down with words that aren’t needed. For example:

“However there are some new additions this time.” Suggestion: “New additions color my old memories.” Strive to rid your prose of the “to be” verbs: are, is, was, were, has, been, and so on. Find new avenues.

Getting back to the bloated statement, I would take the word count of this story and try to reduce it by about 30%. Cut out the filler. Example: “By now I am getting confused.” Try: “I am getting confused.” OR If you want to try out just “Getting confused.” then go for it. The reader realizes this is a story told in the first person.

Another suggestion: Try visualizing your sentences/scenes cinematically--in your head. If you can’t visualize them, chances are that the reader can’t either. Like when a director cuts to different scenes in a movie--long shot/close up/horizon and etc. “One comes up to me and holds out a flower.” Could be: “One comes up to me. Holds out a flower that looks like (your description here.) That flower could be just an ordinary one or a petunia that reminds the character of a young/old ringmaster’s face/body part or a favorite scent or even a weather condition or something else entirely. Explore.

If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask via message or in the comments section.

-Curt

  

  

anaisnais avatar Random Review

October 21, 2009

anaisnais

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anaisnais reviewed Version 1 - Read 12% of the Item

Okay, I’d advise that this piece is carefully edited, all the comments from the previous reviews stand, as it reads a little uncomfortably in places, either because the tense is not right or because you have worded the sentence a little strangely.  If you go back to this piece after a few weeks away from it and read through it slowly, as if it were written by another these things should leap out at you.  With regards publishing, would I purchase, basically no, this is not my usual type of read…to much sex detail for one, but whilst others might buy it, I do think by putting in the scene you might be limiting your audience.  Your opening paragraphs read as though you might be writing for a younger audience in my opinion, and then it suddenly jumped to adult, so you might want to look it over to rework one way or the other a little?  But then you are the writer and it is your choice and I respect that…  Overall, I think with a little more work on this piece, you could make it shine to catch the attention of those you wish….good luck and thanks for your welcome reviews/help too!  Hope this helps you somewhat too! ;’D

RavenJake avatar General Stranger

October 20, 2009

RavenJake Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
RavenJake reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

There are some good scenes painted here.  A few of the visuals I really like.  The delivery of the story needs to be worked over to eliminate passive and to fix the story’s tense.  At points the character just seems a dumbfounded spectator, which is good for circus viewing, however a more keen focus on her conflict will give the reader a better reason to read on.

Here are some critical notes I took:

(which is something I deserved)
I’m not sure if the negative sentiment about the character’s character is intentional.

(However there…got there)
These two sentences are unnecessary telegraphing and when the plot does move forward it does so passively.  ”When I got there” needs to be fixed.  This is currently wasted space.  ”Got” is a weak verb here, arrived, or any number of replacements will work.  Use the space for a succinct approaching description.

(greeted by the Ring Master… She greeted me)
The character was already greeted in the previous sentence.

(She has grown since the last time I saw her)
This is a big tense disagreement here.  You start telling the story as almost a journal entry of the character sometime in the future.  In this sentence you it’s present tense and passive.  Stick with past perfect.

(her smile is more random than it once was)
Check these descriptions.  What is this saying?  A smile isn’t more or less “random,” than an undefined past.  Replace this with something that has a sensory description.

(Slowly she became a … go to her.)
I like the sentiment of this sentence.  Cut “slowly” and adjust the tense and order to give this sentence real impact.

(Wanting only…about me.)
This is not a continuation of that sentiment.  This fragment doesn’t work.

(When I get there)
Again, this passive/present won’t work.  This is also a needless transition.  This character needs to stop ‘getting’ to the circus.

(dream about. However they)
Cut “however,” it’s like a speed bump going into the good description of porcelain dolls.

(They are whispering things)
If you were to really want to keep the present tense there still needs to be adjustment to remove the passive.  ”They whisper to me” would work.  With “are whispering” it sounds like the character has someone on the phone, conveying the situation- that sense removes the reader.

(telling me that …they dance.)
Interjections such as “another says” and “another one whispers” is just unnecessary baggage that is in the way of what’s going on.  If you have it read like dialog it will work:
“never be one of them.”
“You will…the Big Top”
“You are …leave your mind”
The description that occurs after the dialog should precede it, this will give your dialog a clearer visual.

(By now I am getting)
This tense/passive is really interfering with your story.  Also the words get, got and getting should be replaced for an action with some descriptive power.  I’ll stop mentioning it, but the passive and tense issues need to be addressed.

With the jagged, black toothed ring master who has let herself go, I’m not sure what kind of visual the sex scene is intended to create.  The weight of the ring master should be addressed for the sake of the visual.  Powerful grip, unreserved body lean towards the heavier side.  The scene seems ambivalent, and I’m wanting things to add up.

It’s an interesting ending, but one that is a breakaway from the story and seems a little irrelevant.

  

martykate avatar General Stranger

October 20, 2009

martykate

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martykate reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I think that this would be more appropriately classified as horror.  And maybe  warning of sexual content in the preview.

I like the subtle messages that each act gives to the guest who does not seem to understand she is receiving messages from sybil-like creatures.  Like warnings that are being ignored.

Has the Ring Master become a hermaphrodite, along her other transformation?  This could be something that could be added  the the sex scene—a revelation that the guest realizes.

Having the circus not be there the next day is expected, but fits your story.  I can tell that this is rough around the edges and needs work, but done right could be something interesting.

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NovemberDisaster

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