The quick patter of bare feet on dirt-covered cobblestone was followed by the angry cries of a merchant yelling, "Nemo, bring those back! Catch him!"
In such a small country town everyone knew everyone, including the thieving orphan boy and the old man chasing him, and this sort of thing was common. Nemo, the young preteen who refused to be named or taken in, often stole food from the vendors, and some let him get away with it. Craten, the fruit vendor, however, thought the boy deserved more than a few good whippings, but could never catch him. He refused to spoil him like the rest of the town.
Some gave chase to the boy, others simply smiled and laughed as they ran by. It was just a few pieces of fruit, after all, and it wasn't as if the harvest wasn't bountiful this year.
"Can't blame him," they'd say. "Poor thing is all alone in the world."
This chase lasted longer than the others had, though, and they were still catching up. As Nemo turned back to see where they were, he ran into something large and fell onto his rear, dropping most of the fruit.
The vendor smiled victoriously as he caught up, but the horse stepped over the boy and the pursuers stopped, giving a puzzle look to the cloaked rider. "He's a thief," he explained to the unfamiliar figure.
Surrounded, the boy found it best to stay beneath the horse, as awkward as it was.
"How much does he owe you?"
Craten sighed. "Money isn't the issue."
"What is," the hooded man asked calmly.
"He can't keep stealing things. If he wont be helped he needs to work!"
"Work? Shouldn't he be in school?"
"He wont attend."
The man was silent for a moment before he leaned to the side. The horse side-stepped as he did so and he looked down to the boy, who was stuffing his face with the fruit before it could be taken from him. "Where are your parents?"
When he wouldn't answer, as he was too busy eating, Craten did so in his place, "His mother and father are gone, and he refuses to live with his uncle."
"And no one else will take him?"
"I wont," the boy cried out from below. "I'm not some stray cat!"
"More like a rat," the vendor barked, causing the boy to jump up and bristle.
Before a fight could begin, the stranger leaned down and wrapped a long arm around the boy, pulling him up onto the horse. Nemo squirmed fussed, but froze once he looked down from the tall steed. He quickly found that he didn't like being on a horse. "L-let me down! I-" he was cut off when a cold hand was placed over his mouth, though he mumbled behind it and pulled at the wrist.
The vendor and company just watched, not really knowing if they should thank the man or stop him. No onlooker would stop him. "You know... He's not going to cooperate. He runs away every time."
"He wont have anywhere to go." He pulled the reigns and the horse turned. Nemo pressed himself back against the man, squirming once again. With no one giving him a good reason to leave the boy behind, he rode off with him before they decided to get sentimental.
As they rode, he removed his hand from Nemo's mouth, wrapping his arm around his waist. Nemo clung to that arm.
Sometime later, after Nemo had gotten better acquainted with riding and the two had found a pace that didn't bother him so much, the boy began to whine impatiently. "We've been riding all day! Where are we going!?" The fact that he was being kidnapped, or adopted, didn't seem to bother him so much any more. It was all the same, and he was used to it.
"It's not been two hours," the man replied calmly. "There's a forest up ahead. That's our destination."
"A forest? So you're some old hermit," he mocked. When the man didn't respond, he turned and looked back to him. The horse stopped in its tracks. The man was staring off into the distance to the east of them, and Nemo followed his gaze. There was a darkness in the distance, like smoke. It was too massive to be from a simple campfire, however. He looked back to the man. His thin lips were pulled into a frown.
"Hey, let's go! Let's go! I'm tired of waiting here! My ass hurts!"
The man complied and they continued their slow pace. As he looked down to the boy, he began fingering his dark, disheveled hair.
"H-hey! You're doing it again! Stop that," Nemo fussed, swatting at the hand.
"Tch. It's so messy. I found another bit of leaf in your hair... and there are so many tag ends."
"I think I cut it pretty good!"
"Pretty well, and no, you didn't. The back looks horrible."
"Gahhh!" Nemo covered the back of his hair with his hands so the man couldn't bother him about it. "Who are you anyway? You're not going to eat me, are you?"
"What?"
"They tell us tales of a hideous monster who hides his face. He drags bad children into the forest and eats them."
The man could tell he wasn't serious. "No. You're too scrawny," he answered simply.
"Psh! So... who are you, then?"
"A hermit."
Nemo rolled his eyes. "Your NAME?"
"I don't remember."
"What!?" Nemo turned again, giving him a puzzled look. "How can you not remember your name?"
"I haven't needed it in a long time."
"Then... I'll call you Tambien!"
The man gave him a look. "Tambien? The ugly demon who eats children? Is that what I am to you?"
Nemo laughed. "Indeed!"
Tambien sighed through his nose. "And your name is... Nemo?"
"... I don't have a name," he replied, turning forward again.
"So Nemo makes sense."
"I DON'T HAVE A NAME," he repeated loudly.
Tambien was silent for a moment. "Then how about I give you one?"
"I don't want one," he replied.
"Then, I'll call you Nemo for now."
The boy huffed, surrendering. He was used to being called Nemo, at least. "Whatever."
As they made their way into the depth of the forest, Nemo was mostly quiet. There were trees as wide around as a noble's carriage, that reached the very heavens! And there were sounds... strange birds, and running water in the distance. It was shaded, but not too dark, and smelled heavily of foliage. A place so close to home, even if a few hours travel by horse, could be so different? He felt so far away.
Finally, they reached a house in the middle of it all, in a small clearing right alongside the water. It didn't look very stable, probably due to age, and who knows if it was properly built. It had about three floors, but the second was smaller than the first and the third was smaller than the second. All-in-all, it looked like a disproportionate, leaning... cone. Nemo wasn't so sure it was safe. The planks of wood propping one side up didn't comfort him much. It looked like a good kick could drop the whole thing!
There was a small, withering garden on one side, where the sun easily cut through the trees. The soil was dark and rich. All that really needed to be done was to water them. Why were they wilting, he wondered.
Tambien let the boy wander for some time as he unpacked the horse and set about a few other tasks. Nemo curiously followed him inside. Tambien removed his cloak while the other looked around. The sun shined in through the window and lit up the dust that filled the air. The furniture was old and the rugs were discolored. Had he really been living here? This place looked as if it hadn't been inhabited for some time. Tambien cleared his throat after he quickly wiped off the counter as if to hide the already present fact the his home was unkempt.
Nemo looked to him, and for the first time realized just how tall the man was, and he openly gaped at him. Standing just over six and a half feet, Tambien was taller than anyone he'd ever seen. He was also thin and lean, which didn't help. "You're.... a tree!"
"I'm not a tree," he replied with a faint growl to his voice.
"You are too a tree!"
Tambien ignored him, and rummaged through his pockets until he found something he could tie his silver hair back with, since he planned on cleaning Nemo first and foremost and long hair was bad about getting in the way. The boy noticed his pointed ears as he did so.
"Oh! You're a... what is it?" he asked. "Elf thing." He couldn't remember the word.
Tambien ignored him.
"You know, like the elves, but really tall!"
"I know what I am," he groaned.
"You're supposed to remind me," the boy scolded.
"Tathla."
"Yeah, that!"
Tabmien pulled out a pair of scissors. Luckily for Nemo, they weren't as worn as the rest of the house.
"What's that for...?"
"I'm going to fix your hair. After we get you a bath."
"No," he cried, backing away.
"I wont take no for an answer."
After some chasing, wrestling, stripping, and a lot of hair pulling, Tambien finally got Nemo to cooperate. The boy sat nude on the ground, for Tambien had taken his clothing from him, and watched as the man readied the tub. It was outside, on the other side of the house, closest to the water. There was the wall of the house to one side, and a canopy above, but no other privacy. Then again, they were alone in the middle of the woods. One couldn't really ask for more privacy.
Tambien carried buckets of river water over and emptied them into the tub. He boiled some of the water so it would be pleasantly warm as a whole, and helped Nemo in. The boy couldn't argue; the water did feel nice, but when the boy didn't seem to be cleaning himself well enough Tambien happily set to scrubbing.
"I can do it myself!"
"You said you were done! Look at those feet! Do you like being this dirty!?"
By the end of it, most of the water wound up on Tambien, who looked as happy as a wet cat. So that Nemo's feet wouldn't get dirty, and since he himself was already soaked, the man wrapped a towel around the boy and carried him inside. Then came more fussing over the boys hair, but it was finally done.
By the end of it Tambien was exhausted.
The rest of the day continued in a similar fashion. Nemo pestered Tambien until he got up to cook, despite how badly the man wanted to nap. He also couldn't help but to pick on him for how dusty the house was, and was constantly asking if the house really was safe, since he found out that he was going to be sleeping upstairs.
Eventually, Tambien couldn't help but wonder if the boy was really going to run away or not. Maybe he would eat him.
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I think you should add in why Tamnien’s house is so messy. Does he travel a lot? or is it not even is house?
Well, since Weaver has already struck this piece, I’m just going to skip the grammar editing altogether. Save myself the embarrassment of trying to one-up him haha.
This feels like you need to pick a writer’s voice and stick with it. The first portion of it reads like a narration. I can see the camera panning and someone, in a big, loud voice-over, saying “This chase lasted longer than the others had, though…” on and on. Then you switch to a more common voice that’s typically used in fantasy writing and prose in general. Neither ways of writing are bad or wrong, but you need to stick to one for the whole story. Considering you start sticking to two characters later on in the story, I think the narrator voice would be hard to maintain.
Nemo’s dialogue doesn’t feel very real to me and I think it’s because of his word choice. At times he seems like your typical impatient kid, but when he starts throwing around words like “indeed” it breaks character. To be perfectly honest, not very many of my fairly intelligent twenty-something peers use the word “indeed”. I don’t think an uneducated 13-year-old orphan would be.
This is a good start, however. Not a lot of substance, and it feels like it moves a little quick (introduce character, bam! character gets spirited away, woosh! and he’s adopted and taken care of. Blindingly fast transition, there). But, as you told me earlier, this is just the start to something. I do think this portion could be expanded upon before you continue writing.
(I always think of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea when I see the name Nemo… I guess I’m too old-fashioned.)
comma after “small country town”
“preteen” doesn’t work for this story’s setting (the word wasn’t even coined until the 1950s) – call him a “youngster” or something like that instead
“Craten, the fruit vendor, however, thought the boy” – “However, Craten the fruit vendor thought the boy”
semicolon or period, not comma, after “gave chase to the boy”
comma after “stepped over the boy”
“a puzzle look” – “puzzled”
“he explained” – unclear – which “he” are you referring to?
“What is,” the hooded man asked calmly.” – question mark, not comma, after “is”
“wont be helped he needs” – “won’t” – comma after “helped”
“wont attend” – “won’t”
I’m noticing that you consistently leave the apostrophe out of “won’t” – Although “wont” is a word, it is not the contraction of “will not.”
comma after “side-stepped as he did so”
period, not comma, after “did so in his place”
“Nemo squirmed fussed” – delete “fussed”
“he was cut off” – capitalize “he”
“pulled the reigns” – “reins” – comma after
“The fact that he was being kidnapped, or adopted” – ...because it sometimes looks the same either way to a child.
comma after “The man complied”
“I’ll call you Tambien” – A boy called No-One and a man called As-Well… Strange names these people have… :)
“Then, I’ll call you Nemo” – no comma
“A place so close to home, even if a few hours travel by horse, could be so different?” – awkward phrasing – try “How could a place so close to home, even if a few hours’ travel by horse, be so different?” instead – also, not apostrophe on “hours’”
“and who knows if it was properly built” – “and who knew…”
“withering garden” – do you mean “withered”?
question mark, not comma, after “Why were they wilting”
comma after “furniture was old”
comma after “wiped off the counter”
comma after “first and foremost”
“After some chasing, wrestling, stripping, and a lot of hair pulling…” – Good! Sums up the action without going into unnecessary detail.
comma after “cleaning himself well enough”
“the boys hair” – “boy’s”
comma after “By the end of it”
There are some bugs to work out – typos, punctuation errors, and a couple of places where viewpoint change gets awkward – but this is a generally good story. The bath scene is ordinary, domestic – not what one would expect to find an “elf thing” involved in.
I dothink you could give more details of setting, tell a little bit about the village, Nemo’s appearance, etc. Not enough to bog down the narrative, but enough to give the reader something to visualize.
Took me a while to read this, but I thought it was pretty cool. It reminded of a really good Disney Movie for some reason lol. The dialog was snappy and funny but in a dark way. I just like how he just forcefully adopted Nemo…something that rarely happens so quick without going through the whole getting know each other routine in similar stories like this. I would read more just to find out why he was so open about taking in a random kid out of the blue.
This is a good start. The mysteriousness surrounding the rider versus Nemo’s mischievous urchin personality is perfectly played the whole way through, very well defined and played off each other.
These things I’ve picked out are mostly trifling observations…which is another way of saying I couldn’t find anything glaringly wrong with the piece. You haven’t specified what kind of critique you want so I’ve thrown them in.
(As the rode,) – they?
(wrapped a long are around the boy) – a long ‘arm’?
(It was all he same, and he was used to it.) – all ‘the’ same?
(stopped in it’s tracks) – ‘it’s/its’?
(from a simply campfire) – ‘simple’?
( As he looked down to the boy, he reached up and began fingering his dark, disheveled hair.) – He looked down…but yet reached up. It’s a touch confusing.
(who looked at happy as a wet cat) – looked ‘as’?
(and who knows if it was properly built) – ‘knew’? In keeping with the past tense of the rest of the story?
( a long spat) – ‘long’ and ‘spat’ contradict each other.
I’m pretty sure that Nemo will attempt to run away, it seems to be in his nature. And even if he does have nowhere to run to, it’s strange that Tambien would spend all that time washing and feeding the boy, then to potentially have to go to the trouble of tracking him down in the forest when he wakes up.
I’m wondering also why you chose the names Nemo and Tambien? As a reader I’m expecting Nemo to share some characteristic of the famous clownfish, and Tambien to—I don’t know—maybe have a twin or something. They’re names that will make the reader stop and go’ “Hey, wait a minute…”
If this dude really is the monster that eats children, you did a great job of making us think he is not the monster…then making us think that he might be after all.
It was a pleasure to read over all and I would certainly read more.
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