Ajax_Skreitzche reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
directors immediately throw out most all scene direction. they want to see it their way, no emcumberments.
and blessed be, you have almost none, which means if handed the piece, the director will be free of preconceived ideas and be at liberty to create his vision from yours. brilliant, ultimately that helps you a lot.
on here however, it would be a boon if you gave a bit, as what is transpiring, where and what are they passing, does anything in the locality lend itself to memory, association, props, jestures and or personal habits of the characters.
aside from some potentially good dialogue, and i say “potentially” because as is, its not cohesive, theres no personality comming thru, the semi autistic thing is lost completely and some of the terms used are either ‘story specific’ and yet to given, already given or simply not to be given and youre assuming we (the readers, movie goers) will understand.
for one, what is hudson-alien and what does the specific date have to do with anything?
for another, the dialects can and should be even more defined, as it reads im at a quandry if were talking to scousers, or gordies, or some aussies from the north. the regional dialects go a long way to defining the characters, presuming their just used to enhance and dont take over the character.
is tom a protagonist or an anti-hero. so far im not sure, which makes it hard for me to either empathise or hold him in contempt.
the pace seems slowed, assuming the usual minute-a-page-rule is enforced, however, this has room to move, changing of tempo and beats, with periferals, looks from other people, other actions, the scene outside, kids in the area? dogs barking? water running down the gutter? anything else foreshadowing this guy’s downfall?
as for… “FLASHBACK TOM, at uni (from opening scene) standing on his duvet, stoned. The duvet is pulled from underneath him and he falls backwards. This is how TOM feels- everything has been pulled from underneath him. The British government attacks it’s own people. TOM is hyperventilating.”....... i would throw in jump cuts, sharp ones, sequential stills, not a time lapse flash-back in full motion. add an associated song or word or something to show the moment of realization. Gun shots or something of the loud snappy order would do it. preferably in black and white, with the object of focus being the only thing colorized, if even that.
truth is, you seem undecided, not quite committed to who the characters are and or what the scene is.
mind you….
none of what ive said is meant to be taken as negative, just questions and suggestions.
peace
Review item
Add to faves
Ratings & Rankings
