jalubcarrey reviewed Version 2 -
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There are many grammatical errors in the piece, though I don’t sweat them too much since it’s a screenplay and I can understand your meaning without having to have it perfect. For perfect, plug it into a word processing application and run the grammar check. You’ll see all kinds of things, mostly sentence structure, which, again, doesn’t worry me all that much for a screenplay.
There are some questionable cut scenes in it that I don’t understand. The one I don’t understand is the cut to a snowball fight at Uni. Why do we cut back to this? Is it because he’s behind an obstacle and he’s hurling projectiles at the cops?
I’m a little concerned that these two got away, because it doesn’t seem plausible. Don’t the British police have helicopters, dogs, that sort of thing? I find it fairly improbable that they manged it. In the movies there is usually a giant explosion that obstructs the police, or something that cuts them off. Of course, if they had a helicopter that would all be moot.
What a mess to get yourself in to. I don’t think it’s entirely impossible, but highly improbable. . . just like Hollywood.
I’d throw in more dialogue in the beginning, so I can see more internal strife with Tom. He can’t have gotten so dumbfounded already, could he? Just curious.