Screenplay / Once Upon part 8 w/recap

EXT. MCD’S- DAY- NO SOUND People are walking into the restaurant. Behind the window teenagers eat. FLASH- a BLINDING WHITE LIGHT appears inside, then smoke fills the glass. After a beat, teenage sized hands start to slap the glass, leaving bloody handprints. The slapping gets harder, then- INT. CAR- DAY TOM jolts. He’s been dreaming, but now he’s awake: back in his original and very real nightmare. CALLUM Almost there lad. CALLUM has driven to some random suburb of Manchester. People aren’t afraid to shop here. In fact, many of them won’t have heard the news of the bombing yet. TOM Where are we? CALLUM Close to a makeshift sensor’s office. They’re working overtime, editing er, propaganda and stuff. Devant just wants me to stop them. They’re… affiliated with the British Film Sensors. All you have to do- CALLUM is speeding up, through the busy streets erratically, turning corners in third gear. CALLUM (Contd.) Is make sure I can get back to this car. Then we can go home together. Tom’s mind is totally thrown off course. What? Did he mean for that to sound so gay? CALLUM (Contd.) You bought a gun, didn’t you? TOM is surprised he knows this. TOM Yeah. CALLUM I’d load it now, if I were you. CALLUM check’s TOM’s seatbelt is plugged in, then checks his own. TOM Wait- SCREECH. CALLUM slams the brakes on, breathing heavy. He’s nervous about something. TOM is looking at him, but CALLUM avoids eye contact more than ever. He takes the woman’s stocking out of his pocket and puts it over his forehead. Callum gets out of the car, quickly. Tom follows him. As CALLUM yanks the door open, the very fit receptionist looks up nervously. RECEPTIONIST Hi, I can I help- CALLUM pulls out a Beretta and SHOOTS HER once in the head. Her head flies back. There’s blood all over the company poster/ mission statement. He sees is reflection in the glass covering the statement, and remembers to pull the stocking down over his face. As soon as he kills her, Tom realises he’s in more shit. TOM Oh, fuck off… FLASH FRAME FLASHBACK “STEVIE WONDER” firing at the watermelon. The hum of talking from the room behind reception goes quiet, like the sound was cut off. Callum walks through a door inside what looks like an office. He starts to kill indiscriminately. TOM has his back to the door and is looking toward the exit. The first few bangs, his shoulders jump and twitch. Then, after a few seconds, he almost relaxes. He’s becoming numb to the violence. He starts to turn around, and look at what is happening. It’s as bad as Tom could imagine. There’s blood all over the walls, over computers showing editing packages, and news features, blood on the floor and bodies lying everywhere, mostly face down. The fire exit door is open- somebody got out alive. Chairs have been overturned, personal belongings scattered everywhere. Callum is reaching for something under a table. He pulls out a screaming woman by her hair and shoots her in the head at point blank range. Callum is covered in blood and he’s crying, his tearstains marking the stocking. He senses Tom and points the gun at him. Tom freezes. CALLUM drops his hand and nods him outside. Sirens can be heard already. Tom walks to the door- there’s no police in sight yet. Tom and Callum get to the car, then vehicles pour in from every side street. Security services back up the police, and they take formation clumsily. The Police haven’t had time to practice this with support. TOM ducks below the car window, looking for his gun. This is going from bad to worse. CALLUM They don’t want to arrest you, Tom. FLASH FRAMES TOM handing the package to the GUM clinic manager… To the McD’s Manager… To the Job centre manager… Faster flash frames of explosions at all three places- TOM whips around, rests his arm n the roof of the car and SPORADICALLY FIRES at the oncoming vehicles. POV- TOM’S GUN BARREL The first few hit the road- he’s never fired a gun before. All we can see is the tarmac in front of the Police cars. He readjusts. The police convoy is spattered with Tom’s bullets as police bullets scream past him closely. It looks like news footage from Iraq- the camera shakes; there’s smoke in the air. The sporadic cracks of gunfire overlap each other. FLASH FRAME- FLASHBACK The snowball fight at uni. BACK TO PRESENT DAY CALLUM (off) You’re gonna have to get in the back, lad. The camera jolts and hits the floor. Tom’s coughing hard. He’s hurt. CALLUM Shit… We can see only shoes at first: Tom has dropped the gun. CALLUM drags TOM into the car- again, showing amazing strength. They drive off, out of sight. POV OF TOM’S GUN BARREL ENDS. CALLUM starts the engine and puts his foot down. He strategically switches the gun to his left hand (the hand he’s steering with). He turns to face backward in the seat, holding the wheel with only his right hand. He points the gun at the rear windscreen. It all looks strangely rehearsed. Tom Panics; curls into a ball. CALLUM FIRES, SHATTERING the back windscreen. TOM GROWLS in pain as he’s covered in glass. CALLUM checks from one direction to the other- out the back where he’s firing, and in front, where he’s steering. Security are still firing off shots at them, there are sirens sounding behind the cars that have already arrived, and the engine of Callum’s car accelerating. TOM (hands over ears) Just fucking move! CUT TO: INT. CAR- LATER The gunfire has stopped. All that can be heard is the low hum of the engine. There’s no police or security chasing them: Callum has evaded them all. He’s cruising down the motorway at a steady one hundred miles an hour. Tom is still sat in the back. Neither speaks. Tom eyes Callum in the rear-view mirror. LATER-BLACK Fumbling sounds. Fade up. Callum has pulled over and got in the back. He has unbuttoned Tom’s shirt and is examining the bulletproof T-shirt. He lifts it to look at where the bullet landed. There is a fair sized bruise on the chest plate. It takes a second for Tom to realise what is happening. When he does, he flips. He pushes Callum away from him and kicks out with his legs. TOM What the fuck are you doing?! CALLUM No- I just wanted- Tom grabs his chest in pain. CUT.

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spiritualdeciple avatar General Stranger

November 21, 2009

spiritualdeciple

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spiritualdeciple reviewed Version 2 - Read 25% of the Item

I liked it, but I found it hard to get into, as it was very spread out amongst individual speaking parts, but over all it was okay.

jalubcarrey avatar General Stranger

November 17, 2009

jalubcarrey Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
jalubcarrey reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

There are many grammatical errors in the piece, though I don’t sweat them too much since it’s a screenplay and I can understand your meaning without having to have it perfect.  For perfect, plug it into a word processing application and run the grammar check.  You’ll see all kinds of things, mostly sentence structure, which, again, doesn’t worry me all that much for a screenplay.

There are some questionable cut scenes in it that I don’t understand.  The one I don’t understand is the cut to a snowball fight at Uni.  Why do we cut back to this?  Is it because he’s behind an obstacle and he’s hurling projectiles at the cops?

I’m a little concerned that these two got away, because it doesn’t seem plausible.  Don’t the British police have helicopters, dogs, that sort of thing?  I find it fairly improbable that they manged it.  In the movies there is usually a giant explosion that obstructs the police, or something that cuts them off.  Of course, if they had a helicopter that would all be moot.  

What a mess to get yourself in to.  I don’t think it’s entirely impossible, but highly improbable. . . just like Hollywood.  

I’d throw in more dialogue in the beginning, so I can see more internal strife with Tom.  He can’t have gotten so dumbfounded already, could he?  Just curious.

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Matthewtuckey

Age: 27
Loc: United Kingdom
Gen: M
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