Screenplay / Once Upon part 9

INT. ROYAL APARTMENTS- DAY. TOM knocks on the door. TONY opens; looks Tom up and down. Tom is covered in dust, oil, blood and sweat. Tony nods him inside. DAVE leans on a kitchen cabinet at the other side of the flat, drying a very dangerous- looking steak knife. A few other utensils are drip-drying. Dave is sporting the shiner that Tom gave him. DAVE I read in Arena that as soon as you finish washing a steak knife… You’ve gotta dry it there and then. The moment you let it drip, it starts to oxidise. That’s when you get rust. You dry it straight away, and keep it sharp… It’ll cut through anything. Dave puts the knife in the drawer. Tom is very still for a second then lunges at Dave. Dave steps out of the way and Tom vomits into the sink. DAVE You’re a bit of a celebrity, Tom… Making all the headlines… Almost a shame you can’t go out and… you know, take the limelight. (A pause, then Dave explodes with anger) DAVE Fucking Callum? That prick? I watched you get in his car. Tom is starting to stew. He’s very still. TOM It was for Devant. DAVE Was it? Devant told you to do it, did he? TOM crashes on the couch getting dust and oil all over it. He stares at the TV. A Newsnight- style Discussion programme is being aired, with a very hard-nosed presenter. HARD NOSE So John, you’re suggesting that these attacks are not the work of Islamic extremists, not the work of any Northern Ireland faction but something internal, home grown and- what, particularly British? JOHN That’s right, yes. Someone’s obviously very tired of living here and the placement of these bombs gives good indication of where they would like to see changes made. Now remember- the Prime Minister has admitted he has no idea who is behind the bombings, but I think we can put some puzzle pieces together. DAVE Mate, there’s no way Devant would have sent Callum to get you, then do something like that. Devant’s right wing, he needs the sensors on his side. He’s controlling what the public see! TOM I told you what happened. Deal with it. DAVE Yan-Yan’s vanished, Tom. JOHN I don’t think this has anything to do with Islamic extremism, Ireland, ETA: I think this is something we haven’t seen before and they are attacking everything that the Prime Minister has- so far- failed to deal with- STI rates, child obesity… TOM (in self pity) You know I’m twenty-two and I’ve never had a full-time job for more than a month? Did you know that everyone at uni was scared of me? None of this is helpful… Now I’m Britain’s most wanted and I’m not flattered. All I wanted was to stand on my own two feet. Like a normal adult. I don’t control anything. FLASHBACK Tom pushing the paper over at the computer shop. TOM If I could just stop doing stupid shit- if I could just have controlled myself, none of this shit would have happened… Am I ever going to get out of this alive, Dave? Will Devant just kill me? Or am I stuck in this forever? DAVE (Heartless) We’ve all got our problems, mate. Jesus. Reach for the Kleenex. My heart bleeds. JOHN Now remember that most of the people in that restaurant were very young- excuse me… John’s voice breaks. He’s almost crying. Hard Nose glances off screen, awaiting advice. He’s uncomfortable. His steely persona has slipped. HARD NOSE So it’s uh… It’s British values and, uh, attitudes that need to be turned around? No answer. John is very still. HARD NOSE (to the camera) Uh, a somewhat poignant message to us all that the responsibility is ours as individuals to look after ourselves, and- HARD NOSE’S earpiece seems to be telling him something. HARD NOSE I’m getting reports now of what may be another terrorist attack this time in the town of Wilmslow on the outskirts of Greater Manchester… Tom leaves the room and crashes on his bed. He lies there a second before… DAVE (off) Tom! Tom! Tom reluctantly drags himself up, back into the room. As he pushes the door open… TV PRESENTER …The work of one man alone. If anyone has any information available… TOM (deep shock) Oh. Oh no. The news displays a full screen photofit picture that looks remarkably like Thomas Charnock. Tom collapses. FADE TO BLACK.

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spiritualdeciple avatar General Stranger

November 22, 2009

spiritualdeciple

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spiritualdeciple reviewed Version 2 - Read 33% of the Item

Wow this si going pretty well my friend, keep this up. Have you thought about sending your screne play/ scripts off at all ??

Megan_Solari avatar General Stranger

November 21, 2009

Megan_Solari

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Megan_Solari reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

“…anything. Dave puts the…” Start a new line with Dave to show the difference between dialogue and action.

I believe there’s a formatting rule that says no line of dialog may be longer than 35 characters – including spaces and punctuation. I don’t suppose formatting that really matters much on Urbis, but it would be good to practice.

“…what the public see!” sees rather than see
“TOM (in self pity)” The parenthetical notations for emotion or direction are usually placed on the line below the name of the speaker and one indent farther in than the dialogue, so:

TOM
(in self pity)
Dialog  [ In this case, because Urbis murders screenplay formatting. ]

“DAVE (Heartless)” Same thing here.
“Now remember that most…” Comma after Now

Oh, how I wish Urbis would actually suggest the first part of something for me, so I’d actually know what’s going on! Otherwise, what you have here seems pretty strong. I’m not a master (or a novice, for that matter) at screenplays by any means, but I understand most of the basics.

I like your dialog. It runs very smoothly, as if the people are actually talking, which is really important.

Good job!

boniface11 avatar General Stranger

October 25, 2009

boniface11

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boniface11 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I’m not a good reviewer of screenplays, so take this with a grain of salt.

Very intense! I like it, but there are a few things I’d change: give more explanation of his university life, maybe have a flashback. I need more of a sense of why Tom loses his mind and joins a violent faction. Maybe, too, have a flashback of life at home with mom and dad. You ever seen Train Spotting? very intense about drug addicts. The difference is that you use terrorists.

Good ending. I would like to see how the final ending will turn out.

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Matthewtuckey avatar

Matthewtuckey

Age: 27
Loc: United Kingdom
Gen: M
Last Login: November 23
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