Wow that is a hell of a review =p nice.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Gods And Goddesses: Earth_Chapter One (Analysis)
Gods and
Goddessess
Chapter One
The Looks of an Angel
Xeseyta took off her chest plate, letting it fall to the ground and clatter loudly. She untied the string holding her kimono shirt closed.
"Why are you always getting injured every second of the day?" A calming voice said to her.
Xeseyta let out a growled sigh. "It's not me who's doing it Sevaki," She said with a hint of annoyance in her voice. "It's Nethrian... still putting me through his endless training."
"...I know..." Sevaki growled. "But you can stop the training..."
She winced touching her waist, whispering "Ouch" and looking at the blood on her hand. ignoring what Sevaki mewed. "One day I'm going to get him... No more pain..." Her hands curled into fists with determination, kicking off into the Water she made splash. The female feline squinted her eyes, letting her silky fur get wet.
"Whatever you say 'Master'. but don't you think someone might see you?" Sevaki stood up on her paws as Xeseyta laughed.
"That is why it's your job to make sure nobody does!"
She started washing the blood off herself. Sevaki frowned, lying back down and resting her head on her paws. "Always is..." Sevaki mumbled, closing her eyes to Xeseytai's tenor singing, it travelled with the soft wind, carrying her voice further than could reach.
"Nuraka... Do you think Siberians are destined forever to tear each other apart? That is all they do. And now they don't even know the reason anymore..."
"Hah!" Nuraka laughed sarcastically, "Where'd on Elruga did that come from?" He jumped off the tree, high into the air, landing softly down with one foot. "I don't think it. I know it." Nuraka said to Seffruin with his sharp cerise eyes. "Say, Seffruin this is the first time you've said anything really." He put his hand on the hilt of his sword. turning away from Seffruin. "The first words you say to your Brother in a long time, is a question......" He made a sarcastic sad sigh, just disappointed his Brother had decided to talk again. Blood fell from the bite in Seffruin's bottom-lip when he bit it in annoyance.
Nuraka tilted his head to the side, letting the tree ahead take the hit meant for his head. The rock bounced off with a loud thump, leaving a dint in the tree.
"If your gonna answer with some stu-...!" Seffruin trailed off, turning around to the Woods.
His ears turned back, making the sounds coming from the Serra Forest easier to hear.
He wondered who the subtle voice belonged to. walking away from his Brother.
Seffruin followed the wind that seemed to direct him to the voice, coming to a tree on a slope, tilting to the side to see who possessed such a beautiful voice. It was a female, an asita bathing in a lake.
Her voice began luring him in, unaware of everything around him.
The fact that he was spying on her wouldn't come to mind.
An animal lay beside the lake as the asita's voice danced around. Her small caved in waist made her figure uniquely curvaceous, she stroked her violet hair with her beautifully slender fingers, her eyes closed as she sang unaware of the eyes on her.
Her violet hair dropped over her bare breast, sticking to her smooth skin, Water dewing her eyelashes making them shimmery, dripping down from her phoenix eyes and down her body.
Seffruin stepped back on the slope, slipping down it as if it suddenly turned to mud. He hit the ground, nearly rolling right into the lake with her.
He lifted himself up a bit with his elbows, spitting out grass. He coughed, stopping at the feeling of violet-cerise eyes locked on him. He dared to look up at them, seeing the eyes peering back at him. She shook, her arms covering her chest in a clutching way.
They looked at each other, a long pause taking place with the tenor silence that broke with her squeal, splashing into the water.
Sevaki popped her head up, woken by Xeseyta's scream. "What!? What!? What is it!?" Sevaki asked her breathlessly, her fur standing to an end.
"Sevaki I told you to make sure nobody would see me!" Xeseyta screamed.
Sevaki's ears twitched, pointing outwards. "...Wha...?" The feline looked around to and fro. "...No-one is here Xeseyta."
Seffruin started panting out of surprise, looking in the direction he had escaped from. "Was that an asita ye made scream?" An old tree spoke, "Ye seem to have been runnin' lad... That'd be the first..."
Seffruin ignored the old tree with contempt, standing up.
"Ye made Xeseyta scream eh?"
"Hm?" Seffruin looked at the tree, a glare on his face. "...Furuiki... Do not read my mind..."
"Why not? The ability of a Siberian tree is to read minds... If I am not able to, what is the use of having it?"
"...Read someone else's mind. Just not mine."
"Lovely girl she is, Very kind hearted..." Furuiki croaked, changing the subject. "Well, to Nature at least... That child has gone through so much. You can't blame her for that way she is."
Seffruin said nothing of it. He walked away, his mind refusing to let go of her as a thought. He headed home, leaving Furuiki in his permanent spot. He let himself drop inside the former dragon cave on the autumn leaves, making them float up by the sudden pushed Wind.
"Where were you Master?" A beautiful white furred canine asked him, hovering over Seffruin.
"...Nowhere worth mentioning." He mumbled, putting his arm over his eyes in a sigh.
She laid down beside him with a look that she was there to listen. "You seem more distracted than usual. What is it?"
He sat up and looked at her. "Wouldn't you be Lunress? If you were stuck with a bastard for a Father?" Seffruin stood up. "I hate him... and one day I'm going to kill him."
"Master don't speak like that. He's a disturbed one, but he does care about you." Lunress attempted to keep his temper down, knowing right after she said that, it'd anger him more.
"Hah!" He laughed sarcastically. "Cares about me!? I've never heard such meaningless words. Sure he does, he expresses his love to his Son by trying to kill him!!!" He shouted, "The day I kill him is the day I can rest!" He ran outside, ignoring Lunress's call for him.
"What's wrong?" Nethrian grasped Xeseyta's hand, helping her to her feet after he slammed her on her back when she didn't get up. "You seemed distracted."
"Nothing's wrong. Shut up and fight." She spat, making a frown cross Nethrian.
Sevaki laughed. "Don't take it personal Nethy. She's mad cause a boy saw her naked." She smiled grimly.
"Oh?" Nethrian's brows went up, looking at Xeseyta.
"...Sevaki... you're Crow meat!!" Xeseyta screamed. The feline got up quickly. "Uh, oh.!" ready to dart and run until Xeseyta stumbled on the floor with blood oozing out of her stomach-wound slowly.
Nethrian sighed. "All right that's enough for today go back." He helped her up again. "And no protesting." he said before she objected, picking up her bag and handing it to her. She put the strap over her head and underneath the arm, the bag resting on her side.
"Why do you carry that thing around?" He asked kindly, in his usual calm voice.
"Because it holds important things..." She said, casting a glare at Sevaki.
Sevaki's ears went back to her skull, her long tail dragging on the ground as she walked away with her. "See you later Lord Nethrian." Sevaki mewed respectfully.
"Go safely!" was all Nethrian said in return.
"It's getting dark." Sevaki looked up, seeing the lavender Sky become dimmer as dusk approached. Xeseyta said nothing. She was looking at the ground walking slowly, lost in her own thoughts.
"Xessy..." Sevaki mewed, using a nickname she gave Xeseyta. "...Xessy!" She nipped Xeseyta in the leg, making her jolt with a small squeak.
"What is your-"
"We need to hurry home. Dusk will break soon, and when it does, those 'things' will attack us... You know they come out at dusk and attack us for no-"
Sevaki abruptly screeched, hit in the stomach rolling over, with the feeling of saliva falling on her fur. Xeseyta looked back. "Witikos!" Sevaki shouted, kicking the Witiko off her with her back paws and rolled over up on them.
They were surrounded by the drooling furless creatures. Slouching and snarling at them, long arms that reached their own feet, blood-vines stretching across their body becoming visible under their thin layer of skin. They'd twitch at the sunlight flashing in on them by the Sun lowering itself in a goodbye behind a tree. One of them scratched itself under the arm, snorting with saliva falling off of it's bloodstained teeth. Another crashing into Xeseyta, ramming her in the chest, ripping the strap of her pouch off. She hit the ground with a loud thump, screaming "No! Give it back you mutant little-" She made an attempt to get up, but only stumbled down on her knees.
"Stop it Seyta!" Sevaki growled, knowing she was severely injured from the training Nethrian had recently put her through. Xeseyta's blood started to drip all over the ground from her body, mixing in with the dirt.
The Witikos all snarled, stepping closer, thirsting for the blood that dripped off her. Sevaki growled and hissed furiously. "Stay back you disgusting mutants!" her fur went up., bristling. The Witiko holding Xeseyta's pouch darted away, snickering.
"No!" Xeseyta screamed, it sounded gurgled by the blood forming in her throat. "Sevaki chase after it!" She commanded.
"What!?" The feline screeched.
"Just do it! I mean it I'll be fine just go!"
Sevaki growled deep in her throat. "You better be!" She hissed before hesitating to dart off. She had to believe her. Whatever was in there, it was important to Xeseyta. Her paws pounded on the floor as she dashed off after the Witiko that ran, trying not to think of what will happen to Xeseyta. Another Witiko came at her, biting her arm. She screamed, and screamed again once it sank it's slimy teeth sank into her waist.
Her eyes started blurring as her blood spelt slower, leaving less blood to drop as merely any was left in her. "D...dammit..." She gritted her teeth in pain, her voice sounding a bit shaken. The witiko let her waist go, ready to bite her in the neck.
(Version two of this chapter, it was cut in pieces to make it shorter and make the reader wonder what will happen to her xD)
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Hoffmane21 reviewed Version 2 -
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Her hands curled into fists with determination, kicking off into the Water she made splash. -The way this is described leaves me confused. Why not say ‘with determination, she made her way into the water.’ The way it is described I cannot see it in my mind. Is she getting into a river? A bathtub? A shower? Lake? Or even “She made a splash as she kicked into the river?” something along those lines will give us a better idea of what is happening.
Who is Nuraka? I am getting a good dialogue from Xeseyta and Sevaki, and then all of a sudden this Nakura iss there. Can you find a way to introduce her sooner so that we know she is there? It threw me off guard because I was picturing Xeseyta bathing and Sevani on the lookout, and then there is a new character that seems to appear from nowhere. (Unless you have a prologue that I do not know of…) (hmmm reading on it looks like you have started on a new track with Nuraka and Seffruin. I know urbis can mess up formatting, but try to put in some * or something to let us know we are on a different scene after Xeseyta sings…
just disappointed his Brother had decided to talk again- why? If my brother wasn’t talking and he started again, I would be relieved. It makes me question their relationship.
A beautiful white furred canine asked him, hovering over Seffruin. -Try ‘canine asked Seffruin, hovering over him’.
She screamed, and screamed again once it sank it’s slimy teeth sank into her waist. -Try to remove one screamed. It is too repetitious. Maye, she screamed once, and then again as it sank…
The writing is good, but seems a bit rushed. So much is happening all at once. (Is there a prologue? If so I would like to read) You have good detail with Xeseyta and the felines/canines, but try for a little better description of the witiko’s. Are they small? Big? How high do they stand? ETC.
What is Xeseytra training for? Will that be mentioned later? I like the cliffhanger ending and it leaves me wanting to know what happens next.
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TaooftheRaven reviewed Version 2 -
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You’ve seemed to put a good deal of thought into your characters. I wasn’t entirely sure whether they’re supposed to be entirely human or what. Are they elfin, or something else? [His ears turned back, making the sounds coming from the Serra Forest easier to hear.] This makes it seem like they have animal senses maybe. I’m just curious to know who and what I’m reading about. Maybe define the world a little.
I understand that you don’t want grammatic corrections, and thats fine if your mostly interested in feedback on characters and such, but it’s hard to understand what’s going on if you don’t seperate conversations and make a clear line between each person speaking. Your dialogue just seems to run together and is a bit confusing in many places. I did notice you got better at this further in the piece, just remember to draw a clear beginging and end to each person speaking.
[Sevaki mumbled, closing her eyes to Xeseytai’s tenor singing, it travelled with the soft wind, carrying her voice further than could reach.
“Nuraka… Do you] I’m not exactly sure what happened here. It seems like you just went from a pair of characters to a completely different set of characters. Maybe say something like, only a short distance away… You know something to change the scene.
Your characters and overall story seems to be quite captivating, but I think with a bit more structuring and tuning you could have an excellent piece here. From what I read, your main characters have a good start and I love the idea of the talking animal companions. Just remember to try and keep things clear for the reader. It wont just make the story easier to read but it will also help define your characters and make each one stand out on his or her own.
TimeTravelingAcorns reviewed Version 2 -
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Soo, I don’t feel like your characters are human enough to relate with, which is a big part of whether a story becomes popular or not, and they seem just a bit Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu. There was way to much dialogue and not enough discriptive language. Know what I mean? the imagery was there, but I feel like it could have been improved upon.
Also, and I’m not mocking you or anything, but at the top you state that you know what’s wrong with the grammar so why not just go ahead and fix it?
or at least tell us you know in lowercase letters. The uppercase gives the impression that you’re arrogent.
Bex_ reviewed Version 1 -
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The only sci-fi I have ever read have been the works of Philip K. Dick, Orwell, Huxley and Atwood – the kind of sci-fi writers who go for a dystopian scene rather than concentrate on the fantastical. The only real “fantasy” I have ever read have been the dragon stories of Ursula le Guin. So I thought I would help out in this critique some general tips to make the writing stronger. I see you have included a box for marking out of 10 as to whether this would attract an agent or publisher. Don’t be disheartened that I have scored this with a low mark; every piece of writing is something that needs to grow, to be developed and re-developed until it becomes a slick, well-honed piece of writing. So, some tips for you:
Watch out for long, confusing sentences with too many clauses – not only does this divert people away from the situation, you will also lose their concentration, which means that a lot of the detail you have put into the piece is instantly lost.
Names need to be more memorable, and the characters need to be described more so that we can distinguish between them; at the moment it is a little confused.
A couple of spelling/grammatical points:
Your instead of you’re in places.
Spelt = spilt
Confused sentences; “One screamed wriggling in the mouth of someone.” All these things are ultimately offputting for anyone reading, so you need to make sure things look and feel professional.
No description of the “grajis” – I have no idea who or what these things are. We need more of a description for them, and even if you are going to hold of telling people until later in the plot why they are attacking your characters, you still need to give them some kind of purpose. It’s quite good that they almost come out of nowhere, the element of surprise is always a good technique. However, it needs to flow better, everything is a little disjointed; so you have your before event, then the grajis event, and then they disappear and you have your aftermath… but none of it seems to flow all that well.
Capitalisation of some nouns rather than others – if you are going to do this as a feature of your writing, you need some kind of consistency. Capitalise all or none, and if you are going to capitalise a small group of nouns throughout the text, do it with some kind of underlying purpose that the reader can pick up on. So, a group of words that are all linked in some way thematically, which add significance to what you are trying to say, if capitalised.
Shorter paragraphs – give the text a bit of a tidy.
Very long for a first chapter – its better to have a well crafted but very short chapter than a long winded but messy one.
Try and avoid weak peaces of dialogue that you don’t need/you can replace with something better. “Don’t take it personal it’s the way animals do so to their cubs or whatever…”
I hope this all helps!
KidTruth reviewed Version 1 -
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The glossy hair, the lush curvy lush body.
They all turned towards a direction
No more getting kicked in the stomach, slammed on My back. or anything.
his Cat like eyes glared at him, they weren’t really. but the shape of his egyptian eyes made it look like he was, when he was agitated in any way
Who’s is this voice?
Above are just some of the phrases in this that I have some problems with. It looks like your diction and syntax need some work; I recommend taking this back and really going at it with an eye for clarity and sentence structure. You have a good story goin on here you just have to dust it off and make it shine.
DecoyarBrown reviewed Version 1 -
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This was good. I enjoyed it. But I wish you were more clear on being an author other than telling a story.
what I mean by that is, You didnt take the time to tell us about the characters, and what time period are they in, are they on earth, another universe what are they. Are they cats or mutant cats? just have to go by dialogue by what they are saying.
but i think it was good. I found alot of mistakes but I’m sure someone on here will help you with that(if they don’t slaughter you stuff.lol) you don’t have to caps most of the words you did. if you want the word to stand out just quote it.
but it is something i would read. i Get the feel I am reading a fable or a tale or something like that. I like they first character you introduced Xesyta or something like that. She is cool. I am drawn to her characteristics. I will give you a 10 on story but a 7 on not clearing up most stuff like where they from and what are they.
looking forward on reading the rest. :-)
dcyuelling reviewed Version 1 -
Read 36% of the Item
Pg 1: You change the POV…first it’s Xeseytai’s then it’s Sevaki, pick one and stick to it cause then you’ll confuse you’re reader.
You and getting injured everyday and second. – this is an incomplete phrase. It doesn’t here.
Xeseyta let out [a] growled sigh. “It’s not me who’s doing it, Sevaki,” [with] a hint of annoyance in her voice.
putting [m]e through
him[.] No more
back or anything.” – Omit the period and lowercase your ‘m’
Her hands curled into fists with determination, pushing off the ground to jump, rolling in the air into the shining lake making a splash that got on Sevaki. – Her hand curled into fists with determination. Pushing off the ground, she jumped and rolled in the air into the shining lake, splashing Sevaki on impact. (something along those lines would work much better.)
don’t you think somebody might see [y]ou?
how [y]ou are about being seen naked
Pg 2: Try separating your dialogue. Having it meshed into the paragraph can confuse the reader on who’s speaking. – Check you capitalization as well. You have a lot of errors with I showed above with page one’s corrections. Also you have periods and comma’s in the wrong places. You change your POV too…from Nuraka to Seffruin.
“I don’t think it. I know it.” [H]is©at[-]like eyes glared at him.
they weren’t really. but the shape of his egyptian eyes made it look like he was, when he was agitated in any way. – This statement is confusing down to it’s core. Either it was a glare or it wasn’t. And you have too many ‘he’ ‘him’ ‘his’ Maybe a distinct description would be good here so the reader can determine who is who. For instance, when I ran into the problem of using ‘he’ ‘his’ or ‘him’ in one sentence too much, I had to rewrite and give a description. Example from my story: I had: He wanted him to join forces with the Faoladh’s so that he would remain controlled. – I replaced it with: He wanted the young lad to join forces with the Faoladh’s, allies to his kind. – I hope that explained it. Not only that, when you use the names or descriptions of the person, it helps with dialogue.
his Sword[,] turning
Seffruin bit his [bottom] lip, drawing blood [with] [his] sharp [f]angs. (omit- that dug into his bottom lip)
Nuraka dodged the rock that was thrown from behind at him calmly without any jolt, knowing it was coming at him. – This doesn’t make sense. Try to rephrase. How can you calmly dodge anything? There’s always a little bit of a jolt with dodging something whether you knew it was coming or not.
hearing a voice sing[ing] lightly[.] [H] pricked his ears to sharpe[n] [his hearing]. – What was the result of him perking his ears?
He walked away from Nuraka, ignoring his voice and treading into the Forest. - Nurarka’s voice in the background, Seffruin ignored him and walked into the forest.
He realized it was a Female singing as her ventured closer to the voice. – Here is the result of him perking his ears to sharpen his hearing. But this needs to be by that not after he wonders off. Then after you can add: As he ventured closer, the females voice grew louder.
Seffruin stopped at a [t]ree that [sat] on a slope[.] [T]ilting himself to the side, [he] see[s] [the] [f]emale. – After that you jump right into her description. What is she doing? Is she in the water? Out of the water? Elaborate so that the reader can envision it.
A soft gentle face, beautiful©rimson [o]range [a]methyst eyes. Thick sharp eyebrows, a very curvaceous body by her curved in waist. She stroked her glimmering[,] silky [v]iolet hair with her©laws, singing a song like a soft sad lullaby. – Don’t need to capitalize the ‘crimson orange amethyst’ – Start the sentence with something like, She had a soft gentle face with beautiful crimson orange amethyst eyes under thick sharp eyebrows. – As for the ‘curvaceous body by her curved in waist’ it doesn’t sound right. I wouldn’t even know how to begin to rephrase that portion.
The fact that he was spying on her wouldn’t come to his mind. – Ummm…okay? How can it not come to his mind if it’s a fact? This is confusing.
Pg 3
She sang in the crystal lake, shaking [the water] out of her hair. – Omit – her head to get
He tried to tear his eyes away (omit-from her)[,] but he couldn’t[.] (omit-slipping on the slope.) Not watching where he[‘d] stepped, he [slipped, then fell quickly down the slope,] [crashing] [to] the ground with a “Whoa-!!!”
Seffruin sat up, [spat] out dirt [then] wip[ed] his mouth with his [w]hite sleeve. (omit- he stopped. Noticing eyes that were on him – Why because first of all he hadn’t looked up yet so he can’t notice anything) He dared to look up to see the female standing there with shocked, wide eyes.
I got halfway through page three and had to stop cause it was late. I will finish it though. So far, it’s not that interesting of a start. Most beginnings need some action, excitement. Is this a paranormal romance? Sci-Fi romance? If so, I think you might be on the right track for it, but you still need something to grip the reader with the first couple of paragraphs. It held my attention because of the names. I thought they sounded original. Now, because of the errors in grammar and punctuation, I wasn’t able to get far. I say start with what I’ve suggested and take it from there. I’m hoping to pick it back up first thing tomorrow. I hope this helps.
PrepPunkWannabe reviewed Version 1 -
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The story line is sort of interesting, but difficult to follow. There are too many characters that just appear and then disappear, it’s difficult to keep track.
Also, if the point is to get this published, the punctuation and random capitalization can’t just be “something that she does”. No one is going to publish something with all of those errors. If you sister can write without all the errors, she should, and if she can’t, she’s going to need someone to read over it and tell her where the problems are.
The story does have potential, so keep it up.
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