...I think explaining the silver thing would a bit over my head, but I’ll try to think of something.
Young Adult / Insert Creative Title Here (Analysis)
My body jumped as I woke for what seemed like the millionth time in the night with my mind still stirring with the news I was given earlier in the day. My father was a werewolf.
Mom was a carrier of the gene. Her father had been a wolf and his father mother had been a wolf. Why I was only being told now, of all times, worried me. What brought on the need to tell me, other than the fact that any child I had could be a carrier of the gene? Neither my mother nor father had felt the need to tell be the answer to that.
For nearly four hours all we talked about was what caused the transformation and how it was carried on the ‘x’ chromosome. Both of them confirmed that it wasn’t likely that I was one since I reached eighteen with no transformations or aversions to silver. Though I was sensitive to the precious metal, it didn’t make me want to claw out my eyes. Even my mother tended to jerk her silver jewelry off as she slept. Though, I had never actually ripped my jewelry off once or twice I had woke up with missing rings that I later found had slipped off under my pillows.
Overall, my parents were convinced that I didn’t inherit my mothers’ mutated ‘x’ gene. My heart sank a little. In all my life I wanted most for something to set me apart from every other Mary-Sue in the world, like every girl I knew wanted to be, complete with a knight in shining armor and a fairytale ending. My happy ending was a bit opposite of that. I wanted to be strong enough to fight next to my metaphorical knight, not be a damsel that might break under the slightest pressure. But there were other strong women out there that lived that life, there were women that became the knight.
Sadly, according to my mother, females that were only carriers of the gene were not normally accepted. A male could come from a human father and a wolf mother and be accepted, but the females from the same union were given up for adoption. Fully wolf females were generally forced to breed with only wolf males to keep the line from drying up. The logic seemed skew.
The blankets on my bed rustled as I rolled onto my side. Sometime during my musing the sun had rose just enough to light my blinds. The soft glow glistened off of my rings. Silver wasn’t as deadly to a werewolf as the movies made it seem. My father had said it only subdued him, making him more human, whatever that meant. As far as I was concerned he was human, just with some unique abilities and a tendency to get kind of puffy when I hugged him.
“Sera,” My mothers’ voice echoed down the hallway. “It’s time to wake up!”
“Already am,” a yawn escaped me as I finally crawled out of my blanket cave and grabbed the clothes I’d decided to wear. Showered and dressed, I was out of the house by 7o’clock and on the way to class.
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JHarvey reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the story concept you’ve created here--girl learns the life-changing news that her father is a werewolf. I also like that your protagonist is a strong female character. This passage starts with a lot of “telling” and I think there are ways you can convey this scene and make it even more dramatic. Instead of starting with the character waking up and thinking about when her parents dropped the big news on her, what if you actually show us that? Maybe start with the scene where her parents tell her the news--show us their conversation and the girl’s reaction to the news. I think that will help amp up the dramatic tension a little bit and help the reader become more involved in the story. Again, great concept and I look forward to seeing where this goes!
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Marshmellow reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this idea, the way you’ve explained it scientifically. Maybe you could try and go into why silver subdues the wolves? I don’t know, I’ve just always been curious about that. You said you already fixed the grammar mistakes, so I won’t be going into that. I like this though, and I’d like to know how you continue it.
Weaver reviewed Version 1 -
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“his father mother” – “father’s mother”
“to tell be” – “to tell me”
comma after “four hours”
no single quotes around “X” – capitalize
comma after “that I was one”
“Though, I had never” – no comma
comma after “jewelry off”
“I had woke up” – “I had woken up”
comma after “In all my life”
semicolon or period, not comma, after “that lived that life”
“seemed skew” – “skewed”
comma after “during my musings”
“sun had rose” – “sun had risen”
comma after “I was concerned”
“My mothers’ voice” – “my mother’s voice”
period after “Already am”
“7 o’clock” – “seven o’clock”
I think I like your protagonist; I definitely like her attitude about being a strong woman instead of a damsel in distress.
jalubcarrey reviewed Version 1 -
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Why in the world would a werewolf even think of having silver jewelry? After all, isn’t gold good enough? I’d think she wouldn’t have silver in the house at all. Even if they were only carriers of this gene, I’d think that aversion to silver would run fairly deep. You have a premise here for further elaboration. I’d run with that. Give more details about the past. You’ve said that this is just a few pages, and I can see that, so from here you should really flesh out the character. Give her some background, some feeling, some identity and motivation. Give us a story about her past, maybe a secret event that hinted at her family’s being werewolves. Something that happened at a BBQ, a party, even in private.
Spice it up a bit. Add meat to the bones :)
raebethmcgee reviewed Version 1 -
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But there were other strong women out there that lived that life, there were women that became the knight.--- Instead of using a comma after life, I think there should be a semicolon.(;)
Other than this, I see nothing more that I could say that would make it better. The story flows well. I didnt see any spelling errors. Grammar is correct for the most part.
ChantMart reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it very much,
but there is not much to go on, so it is very hard to see what will be the content of the story,
But still there is enough to give an idea that there is potential for a good story.
Chantale.
D_W_Pederson reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very good start. Please continue with the story.
CiannaSkye reviewed Version 1 -
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This seems like a good start. There are some typos and grammatical errors. I would use a colon (:) between the first two sentences. The language used is appropriate for a young adult genre. This leaves me definitely wanting to read more.
Stumblesome reviewed Version 1 -
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I am slightly confused by this: “My father was a werewolf.Mom was a carrier of the gene.” So both of the parents are werewolves. I can dig. But the way this is worded and set up, I kept thinking you meant to say Grandmother was the carrier, ie that is where your father picked the gene up from.
Overall, I give props to you for the female werewolf, who WANTS to be a werewolf. And I love this modern take on the old classic. The textural allergy to precious metals was a nice touch, along with the ring slipping off under the pillow at night. Awesome.
GeorgiaPoetry reviewed Version 1 -
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It was a little slow going but overall I think you are on the right track. Here are a couple of errors I saw.
“Mom was a carrier of the gene. Her father had been a wolf and his father mother had been a wolf” - Should be his father’s mother
“Neither my mother nor father had felt the need to tell be the answer to that.” – should be “tell me the answer to that”
This sentence is a little long and hard to follow. I had to read it 3 times before I finally grasped it all.
” In all my life I wanted most for something to set me apart from every other Mary-Sue in the world, like every girl I knew wanted to be, complete with a knight in shining armor and a fairytale ending.”
Keep writing!
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