Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Ancient Memories (Analysis)
As her chestnut brown eyes glistened over and rolled back into her skull, I stared blankly down at this once incredible woman. I now noticed the gracefullness of her shape, and it seemed as though if anything so much as touched her, she would crumple. This is when the regret came.
What if..
What if..
No. I couldn't let myself come to tears. I blinked a few times and then sat on the ground. I stared at the magnificent beauty in front of me. She was actually quite pretty, what with her golden wavy locks and symmetrical build.
This was the girl that I had killed?
All I could now see was the blood. It was surrounding me and seemed to be trying to swallow me up. As I looked around, I saw the bloody knife that lay in my terrible hands. What has this world come to? Men savagely murdering their own daughters. A sudden amnesia of sorts washed over me, and I started going through my pockets trying to remember. I pulled out my wallet.
Paul Johanson was the name on the drivers license, and the picture of the handsom young fellow on the card I could no longer bare to call myself.
Only ancient memories now...
"Hey Paul,"a womans voice soothingly said. "Come on, Pauly, time to wake up."
I slowly rolled over and rubbed my eyes. As I got accustom tho the brightness of daytime, I opened my eyes. Oh yes, the new life. I was now living in a new country, Canada, and I had a young unsuspecting wife that didn't know of my horrific past.
If only she knew...
Never.
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I kid you not when I say this. This has to be one of the best kill/thriller stories I’ve read on here. I happen to write the same kind of stuff and I really liked this. It was shrot, sweet and smiple. You captured the time between the dream state and reality greatly in with just a few simple words. “Oh yes, the new life,” rings so true for so many people w/ a sketchy past. I know from experience. Good job. Keep it up.
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ehh, it had me confused for a bit…
Like when he sees the knife in his hand. Don’t just say “I saw the bloody knife that laid in my terrible hands.”
I think you could go for using some more descriptive language.
Use your imagination you know. Instead of the sentence I have quoted above throw some emotion into it. “My hands shook violently as I looked down. The knife that had laid so innocently on the table moments before hung from my blood stained fingers.”
Something like that…Not trying to tell you how to write or anything. I’m just saying.
Pretty cool start, I just love when prologues leave us in the dark. We dont know who he is, what he did, and why and it give me a reason to sit down read this and find out. Good opening.
This was actually really good. Creepy but good.
This line “What has this world come to?” I think needs to be changed. Maybe “What have I turned into?” Since this is all about him and not the world it seems out of place.
This was an interesting read. Maybe a little more description of his frame of mind at the time. The rage or the why. Maybe her age.
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