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Poetry / Finding Love
I once knew a girl that didnt know where she was going,
She got on the computer whithout even knowing
That this was the day her life would change
the messenger came up and she typed in her name
It felt like forever for the messenger to sign in
And this is where it all began
She was bored and didnt know what to do
and then she went into the chat room
She asked the guys to come and talk
And this began the very long walk
Boxes popped up left and right
Most of them she clicked out of sight
All but one.
She read the message on the last box
And decided they could talk
They talked about everthing under the sun
And she decided he was becoming her number one
She liked him alot even though they never met
So she decided to put him to the test
She asked him for a meet and greet
Then, he asked about what street
As time went on and the day came closer
It seemed every thing went alot slower
Finally, the day cam and her heart beat faster
The hours turned into minutes
And then minutes into seconds
Then, all of sudden
She got the call
And it threw her off the wall
He then came off the exit and parked by the van
He walked up and she decided this would be her man
They said hello
And he decided it was time to go
They both went to her house
And sat down on the couch
As they talked even more
She knew she has scored
He was it
And the time came
Where she was done playing the love search game
As time went on they grew closer
Whenever it was time for him to leave, she cried
And asked God for just one more time
After a few months, he went to the Brig
And she felt that she couldnt live
Not without seeing him
Just about every weekend
During this time she as mad
A few months has passed
And she missed him even more
She kept wishing he'd walk through the door
She knew this love was ture and pure
Then one day in July
She got a call
It was him and she started to bawl
It was so good hearing his voice
And again she knew she made the right choice
Nine months has passed
Then, something happened that was unexpected
She found out she was pregnant
The doctors appointments came
She was healthy and gaining weight
She ate more especially debbie cakes
Then the appointment for the ultrasound arrived
They found out the baby's growing size
And they found out the sex
The nursery was next
When all was said and done
The baby was their number one
they got everything they would need
Even a Winnie the Pooh car seat
The time had arrived
And he promised to stay by her side
She started to push and with the help of the doctors
The name God had given them was Emma
Even though they didnt spend much time
She knew that her love was still prime
To express her love to him was hard
But every now and then
She bought him a card
Just to say I love you
This girl I am talking about is me
And I fell in love with Gregory.
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MaestraMarisa reviewed Version 1 -
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The beginning of the poem was much more captivating for it’s suspense. The rhyming was very genuine in as far as I could hear the girl talking next to me on the couch. I didn’t form too much of an attachment with the young boy. I think his desription, and the developmet of the story was simplistic, but my interest did stay focused on the story. The poetry became too simplistic I think as the story went on. I expected a twist on the simplicity midway, because the deep meaning was fading.
I think depth, deep emotion, characterization and less simple rhyming is needed to tell this story poetically. It is not so necessary to tell every detail, but to speak about the relationship with poignant words. Say more, with less. Focus on a few details with writing poetry, and the readers will FEEL all you want to invoke within them to feel. I think good poetry is feeling what the words mean, seeing what the words mean, and dreaming what the words continue to mean after you finish the poem.
I liked your story in your poem very much. I think using words differently, especially in a poem, may make this story much more powerful indeed.
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ReneeNH reviewed Version 1 -
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It was a good story, but not as poetic as i feel poems should be. Even free verse poetry should have a flow. There is writing talent there, but maybe not for poetry.
trouten_m reviewed Version 1 -
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Assuming this is within the confines of narrative poetry, I would address the rhythm—smooth it out, make it steadier. If you choose to rhyme, it also needs to be certain. Switching rhyme schemes is ok, but there needs to be a flow to it, even if you go back and forth among them. As for Gregory and Emma, congratulations and best of luck.
Finally, the day cam—“came”
She knew she has scored—”had scored”
During this time she as mad—”was mad”
She knew this love was ture and pure—”true”
Nine months has passed—”had passed”
TirzahLaughs reviewed Version 1 -
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You’re trying to hard. The rhyme is to exact. Mix it up with some alliteration and partial rhyme.
Have a bit more play in the words, a bit more fun.
When the rhyme is to straight, it sometimes distracts from what you are saying. Good rhyme should carry the reader along, not take center stage. If you use more partial rhyme and a bit of alliteratiion, you’ll get more musical quality.
I think it’s a nice start but you need to refine it and pare it down from okay to really good. Tirz
liz_chenault reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought it was really good. It stayed connected and wasn’t scattered. And it is a very sweet poem and the fact that it is about you and your fiance made it even better. I’m not sure how you could improve it, since you mentioned that you are working on the punctuation of it.
jalubcarrey reviewed Version 1 -
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“A lot” is two words.
This poem has a natural rythmn to it. I can feel where the stanzas go. I think you know this also, so I won’t comment here, but I think you should break it up into stanzas. If you read it, you can feel where they go.
“She knew she has scored”, verb tense disagreement. . . . had scored.
You said he went to the Brig. As a military guy I read that as prison, jail. Do you mean Brigade?
“During this time she as mad” was mad
“ture and pure” True
“Nine months has passed” had passed. Verb tense.
You have quite a few grammatical errors in the second half. All you need to do is copy and paste that into MS Word and you’ll see the errors.
I think you are making good word choices and that it works. Just clean up the grammar and it will be easier for the reader to understand.
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