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Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Falling Gold: A Dream
‘Heaven and Earth are not humane; they treat the people as straw dogs. The Sage is not humane; he treats the people as straw dogs.’
-Dao De Jing
The totalitarian government is a monster with many faces. Somewhere, among the metropolitan sheen of the city, lays a terrible, deviant power. The people are afraid. But out in the village, the city could be another country. They just don’t bother us at all.
Until now.
I am summoned to the city- by who, I don’t know. My guess is, they realised there’s no point fighting fire with fire. Why not send in me: a nice guy, who won’t pull any tricks?
I leave my family behind, abandoning the simple barbecue and all the day’s serenity. The city needs me.
I am taken to a building much taller than I realised existed there. We don’t have much money back home... Nobody does. Who built this thing?
Whoever was with me isn’t anymore. I’m alone. The lift behind me pings. I turn around: the lift is pure gold. My yellowed reflection parts centrally as the doors open. The interior: more gold. The walls, floor, and ceiling all connect into a sickeningly opulent prism that I feel compelled to step into.
I’m lifted so high and so fast that my guts slam into my pelvis and I swallow hard, ears popping.
The door opens. I can hear the sound of construction- a distant, clanging sound from below. Am I safe? Gold bars are stacked all around me and these pile stretch down much further than they should. I realise there is no floor beyond the lift.
Silently, like the door, the floor of the lift retracts and the infinite reflections of the floor and ceiling start to narrow. It’s a trap. I back myself to the wall, but soon there is nothing underneath me.
I fall. The clanging gets louder, and rows and rows of gold blur upward into each other.
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Apatheticwriter13 reviewed Version 1 -
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The quote opening up this piece is good; it sets the mood.
I like how you describe an overview of the government and include yourself in here, asking questions of the reader along the way. This helps draw the audience in.
“a sickeningly opulent prism” I like this phrase for some reason.
Hmm. Interesting ending. I like how the tension builds via the imagery and all. However, I felt this ended way too soon. I’m curious as to what exactly is going on here? This is a dream, I’m guessing.
I’d like a lot more exposition. What about your family, this government, your role in it? It just left me on an anticliamtic cliffhanger and ended up frustrating me in that regard.
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Toxic reviewed Version 1 -
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this was generally good. the begining kinda throw me off (i have a short attention span)but i understood the point you where trying to push. and i’m sure it would be enjoyed by people way older than me. :) keep it up.
marebarr reviewed Version 1 -
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Great start to something. I like when the narrator realizes he is alone. It gets a little confusing for the reader – so you might want to tighten up the elevator ride or parts of it.
Very good start, pulls the reader in.
jalubcarrey reviewed Version 1 -
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Was this an actual dream? I like some of the lines in it, such as
“My yellowed reflection parts”, but didn’t like centrally though I cannot think of a better word. Maybe “longitudinally”, just as you divide the globe into longitude and latitude.
Weaver reviewed Version 1 -
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“among the metropolitan sheen” – “among” is not the right word here – How can something be ‘in or through the midst of’ a sheen or any other single thing?
“lays a terrible” – “lies”
“by who” – “whom”
comma, not colon, after “send in me”
no comma after “nice guy”
comma after “pelvis”
comma after “all around me”
“these pile” – “piles”
comma after “retracts”
I like that you didn’t feel the need to invent a conclusion for the story (especially not ”...and then I woke up” – I hate stories like that) or try to give it a definite meaning, because the lack of resolution, along with the skips in narrative, enhance the dream-like quality.
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