thanks, I will keep working it.
Poetry / Fair
At The Fair
As brittle leaves trembled
He played air guitar
While manning the Toot and Twirl ride,
Palm Reading booth nearby
Circular rides whirled
And hip-hop beat pulsed
In sync with his beating heart
One eye strayed but the other,
The glass one, did not follow
Wanting the piercing music as his own
Not wanting to look at him
Not wanting to see the pain
He hoped was hidden from view,
Muted, with any luck,
By the flashing carnival lights
At the kiddies rides
Chaos everywhere
Another sat, immutable
Beautiful, out of all
Even the fair-goers
Passionless, not moved, not bored
Deep brown, disheveled, dusty hair
His disinterest was gripping
It drew me back
Saying to the children
Some have to get out
The Bouncing Castle teeming
Nothing could touch him
If he deals with it, he might undo
Dust carried on the biting gusts
Yet I stand near and look
He is dirty
Rain makes me want to take him in
Red leaves flew like feathers
Wind sneaking through my sweater
Rime covered truths concur
Disturbed by the restless fall sky
When my eyes brought his light
I
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XacheriaSmiling reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent word usage, there’s plenty of details decribing the setting but not enough describing the guy or how the speaker feels.
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CraziChick reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m at a loss for words really. I loved this. I liked the seperation of the lines. It created dramatic effect. Good work. :)
GeorgiaPoetry reviewed Version 1 -
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This is better.
Ummm, I don’t think this line is descriptive enough, seems to break up the flow. “He is dirty” is he just unbathed or does he look ashened because of the dust in the air?
One thing that is hard for me. To me the Dragon Boat Ride is a kiddie ride (I could be wrong here). Then you talk about “another at the kiddie rides”. Maybe you should state something like, “another 3 rides down”, or “across the way” or even “at the air fueled fun” Just thinking maybe something to definately show it is a different person you are discussing during the second half.
The thrid section (only 5 lines) just doesn’t seem to fit with this to me. It seems like that is the start of a whole different poem.
boniface11 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the idea, but needs more revision. Still too choppy. Comma placement is confusing and you may want to use periods or some type of break. If you want to discard grammar rules complete, read poems by E. E. Cummings and get some ideas from him.
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