The reason I didn’t go too deeply on the feelings is because this is meant to be just a simple look at the story. I have plenty other poems and stories that reveal those feelings. This one is just kind of meant to be a fairytale, and was meant to show the animation of it. I wrote too many poems that expressed that ‘deep depression’ before this story, and I didn’t want this to be as… Sad, I guess.
Short Story / Once Upon A Txt Msg (Analysis)
Nonfiction.
Junior year.
2007-2008
Age: 17
There was a boy, there was a girl. They had met only once before, their Freshmen year. They had never spoken, never become friends. Not until two years later.
Because of some conflict between him and a friend of hers, they began to talk, by text messages. He, asking questions; and her, answering as best she could. They were interested in nothing more than being friends. He had dropped out of high school, and she was still working on her education..
Somehow, after a while, they began to get closer. Talking of their hopes and dreams; their likes and dislikes; their problems and things that made them feel better when they were upset. I think somewhere along the line, they fell in love. As much as they could at that stage in their life, seeing as they weren't wise enough, nor experienced enough to know anything about such a feeling. But there was something. She felt it.
Every day they would talk. When they didn't, she missed the company his messages provided for her. She would sit in class while he was at work and try to think of new things to tell him; new jokes, something interesting that happened to her or a friend, or just some random words to cause laughter.
Finally, at a high school football game, and after a lot of arranging, they met. To her, he seemed perfect. She couldn't stop staring into his caramel eyes. They walked around with another friend of theirs, not paying the least bit attention to the game. [though i think that was the first game that team had won all season; Homecoming]
After an hour or so, he started stuttering that question. It was the cutest thing she had ever seen in her life. So she said yes. And they were a couple. Almost inseparable.
A few months into their relationship, he told her he loved her. And she returned the words and the feeling, giggling like a mad woman. After that, he began to tell her things she had never even dreamt of hearing. Things like: she was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he would give up his life right then and there to marry her, and that she was perfect. She believed them to be true, of course. And she had her share of sweet little phrases that would melt the heart of any other human being, except him.
Six months. Six months and it was over. Over because he had started having feelings for another. Who just so happened to be in the exact place where his father was, which was where he was moving. Uprooting himself and ruining the so-called perfect relationship he had with the one he thought was perfect in every way. Instead of acting as a man and telling exactly why he left, he makes something up and turns the blame to her. And she barely knew better. She knew what the truth was, but started believing lies; they were easier to handle.
After two months of depression and thinking her life is at it's end, the girl has finally realized that he was nothing. If he had no reason to leave her, he never would have. In other words, if he had never moved, everything would be the same. He left her because she was not where he was moving. She got over him because he wasn't good enough to even worry over. She thought of every small thing that he had ever done to hurt her. There were many. Too many.
Nothing is the same for the girl, now a young woman, but she doesn't look at that as a bad thing. Not at all. Instead, she becomes grateful that he left. So grateful, in fact, that she dedicates every smile, every laugh, every happy moment in her life to the one she thought she loved. To the boy who almost ruined her. And to the freedom he gave her when he crossed that line. And to him she says, thank you.
Ziggy Beth©2008
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Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 1 -
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Ajax_Skreitzche reviewed Version 1 -
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its not that the story is unworthy or unentertaining, its that you keep it in a state of suspended animation, as though unable to commit to either a true past (as in write it first person and let the contempt, sorrow, bitterness, anger, apathy and or empathy, fly) or a true present tense, which could be 3rd or 1st person.
you also change tenses on page two and run with it.
as for the merit of the story and the idea, its got potential.
seriously,you can juxtapose a few words and add a bit more real emotion as opposed to the kinda wishy washy way you treat the sentiments of the girl
...or maybe the sentiments never got that deep?
regardless, as a writer, you need to add them.
its a short piece and while easily readable, undertstandable and obviously heart felt, it lacks the reality of the emotions which would be underlying every aspect of the girls choices and desires.
wanna make it great and have other people read it and go oh ya, shit i had that same crap happen, only he didnt leave!? or vis versa and they totally understand you and know everything you felt, and miraculously youre not alone in this.
so, did this actually happen in your life? or…?
peace out
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