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Horror / Cannibal
Brant rode into the forest for several miles before stopping. He dismounted and then tied his horse to an old oak, taking nothing but his brown leather trench coat and revolver. Brant's hair slapped against his face as the winds howled and dark clouds began rolling overhead. Walking several feet and coming within view of the abandoned estate, quickly walking up to the rusted gates which were locked, he decided to climb over the crumbling wall, landing on the weed infested grass.
It began to dribble as he approached the front door. A piece of the roofing fell, and he stepped to the side as it smashed into pieces on the ground next to him. The door creaked as it was opened. Creeping through the dark halls, his heart pumping against his rib cage as he passed small piles of bones with flesh clinging to them. There was a dim light at the end of the hall in the next room.
Carefully peering inside, he spotted a man sitting barefoot on the floor in front of a fire burning in the fireplace, the sound of bones splintering in half and tearing flesh reaching his ears. Slowly, he reached for the holster on his belt, cocking his pistol as he aimed it at the man on the floor. The man’s head whipped around at the sound, revealing a blood-covered face.
“Hello, Brant, been a long time, hasn’t it?” the man said grinning, revealing blackened teeth filed to sharp points.
“You know my name?” Brant said, squirming under the man’s gaze.
“She told me you would come for her,” the man said, ignoring his question.
“What kind of demon steals children?” Brant said his voice growing in volume.
“Me, of course” the man said, bowing his head “My name is Mark.”
“You bastard, give me back my daughter!” Brant yelled.
“With pleasure” Mark said, reaching in front of himself and grabbing something which he rolled towards Brant. Picking it up with a look of horror, he held the head of a little girl, her blond hair stained red. Brant roared, his voice full of anguish, sorrow, and rage. He charged at Mark, kicking him in the chest and then, grabbing a handful of his unkempt hair, he proceeded to bash Mark's head into the floor boards. Mark was laughing the whole time.
“What’s so damn funny!” Brant roared. “Answer me!”
Suddenly Mark's elbow was in Brant’s gut. He keeled over, seeing stars and gasping for air, as Mark ran out of the room, his bare feet thudding softly on the floor.
“This game is fun, let’s play some more!” Mark said, giving off a maniacal laugh. Brant quickly recovered and gave chase.
“I’m over here, No, here!” Mark called out as Brant lost sight of him. He soon came to an open door leading down into the cellar.
“Follow if you dare,” Mark said, his voice drifting upstairs. Brant shot twice as he flew down the stairs into the belly of the beast.
Brant couldn’t see anything in the utter darkness and could only smell the sweet smell of musk. He heard scuffling to his right. he turned and shot. His heart was beating insanely fast, and a cold sweat has sprung out all over his body. He saw a shadow step in front of the door, blocking the light. Brant shot the shadow and shot two more times as it fell.
He went over to inspect the body, only to find a corpse attached to a pulley system to hold it up. Brant cursed. Suddenly the musky smell turned rancid, and he began to gag. he felt hot, sticky air on the back of his neck. he whirled around. a single shot rent the air.
The rain poured heavily as the carriage lumbered past the rusted gate, the lock sunken in the mud. The driver was shivering uncontrollably from being drenched to the bone and constantly being exposed to the elements. The carriage stopped in front of the large building and several people in rich attire poured out of it and entered the mansion. On the third floor a pair of eyes watched the procession through one of the many grime-covered windows. A pair of eyes that came with black filed teeth and a bloodstained face pulled up into a grin.
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Weaver reviewed Version 2 -
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quaintfungus reviewed Version 2 -
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In my opinion this piece requires a little more work before you could get it published.
After reading it I was left with questions and feeling confused as to your meaning.
The story sounds like you are trying to right a rscue mission with a twist. One where the demon wins leaving the reader who has been with brant the p.o.v character feeling like the rug has been pulled. I think you could improve the piece by giving us an insight into how Brant is thinking.i.e His internal monologue. I was left wondering why he kept chasing the demon without thinking
“God’s teeth it’s dark in here! I better get a light or come back tomorrow with a posse” or My life means nothing now, all I have is revenge!
questions:
who are the rich people getting out of the carriage? what do they have to do with the child rescue part of the story.
When the demon gives Brant the childs head….how does he know that it is Brant’s child?
The name of the Demon is Mark…..that sounds weak….in this genre.
Your writing style could be more compact and this is worth a rewrite, if u intend to publish.
An early area where you show this is:
Walking several feet and coming within view of the abandoned estate, quickly walking up to the rusted gates which were locked
You use walking twice in a short space…...this dosn’t read well.
On the plus side I think you have a terrific imagination and if you can adjust this story a little it would be ok. Perhaps you could let Brant think he has won at the end…...even tho’ in reality he has been shot. maybe he could see his daughter come toward him and smile. Befor turning into the demon….
Good luck
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Weaver reviewed Version 1 -
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comma, not semicolon, after “abandoned estate”
comma after “which were locked”
comma after “roofing fell”
“smashed into pieced” – “pieces”
“Creeping through the dark halls, his heart pumped” – awkward phrasing – it’s not his heart that’s creeping through the halls…
comma after “peering inside”
comma, not semicolon, after “in the fireplace”
“blood covered” – hyphenate
“Hello Brant” – comma after “Hello”
comma after “been a long time”
“Brant said squirming” – comma after “said”
comma after “come for her”
“the man said ignoring” – comma after “said”
“Brant said his voice” – comma after “said”
“Me of course” – comma after “Me”
“the man said bowing” – comma after said”
You may want to consider varying your sentence structure a bit in the above string of dialogue.
“With Pleasure” – don’t capitalize “pleasure”
“Mark said reaching” – comma after “said”
comma after “look of horror”
“Brant roared his voice” – comma after “Brant roared”
period after “rage” – start new sentence with “He charged at Mark…”
“kicking him in the chest and then grabbing a handful of his unkempt hair he proceeded to bashing Marks head into the floor boards, Mark was laughing the whole time.” – “kicking him in the chest and then, grabbing a handful of his unkempt hair, he proceeded to bash Mark’s head into the floorboards. Mark was laughing the whole time.”
period after “Brant roared”
“Suddenly Marks” – “Mark’s”
period, not comma, after “Brant’s gut”
comma afte “keeled over”
“seeing star” – “seeing stars”
comma after “gasping for air”
“Mark said giving off” – comma after “said”
“I’m over here, no here!” – “I’m over here! No, here!”
comma after “if you dare”
“Mark said his voice drifting” – comma after “said”
period, not comma, after “scuffling to his right”
comma after “insanely fast”
comma after “turned rancid”
period, not comma, after “began to gag”
“hot sticky air” – comma after “hot”
period, not comma, after “back of his neck”
period, not comma, after “whirled around”
“people in rich decor” – “rich attire”
“grime covered” – hyphenate
comma, not period, after “windows”
“blood stained face” – “bloodstained”
There needs to be a clearer transition in the last paragraph to show that time has passed since the events in the rest of the story.
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