I’m sure you mean well by these reviews, but this doesn’t offer anything concrete to improve my piece.
I’m not interested in an expression of your personal tastes. Please learn to be constructive within your criticism.
Poetry / Pyrrhus (Analysis)
Human evolution, a wondrous spark:
one thousand three hundred grams
of horns, claws, venom, and tusks.
Our egos fight like angry lions,
tooth-scraped bone, wounding pride,
balanced the power precariously.
Merciless with sharpened stick
we argued undeniable truths,
and proved our sophistication.
Found facing the absolute,
we stood sneeringly speechless,
and irrefutably mistaken.
Unwilling to submit suggestions,
we accepted to be told nothing;
but it had to end sometime.
Our disoriented humanity was lost,
as damaged tissue formed a scar,
like flesh-armor over sincerity.
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Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 3 -
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A nice piece really. Good, sharp images in each verse as the poem develops in an extended evolution of its own. Some of the word combinations are quite effective. I especially liked “tooth-scraped bone”. At first, I had a bit of a problem with the heavy use of alliteration, particularly with the sibilant sounds. But then, as I read it aloud, the harsh consonant sounds (a bit like barking) combined with the hissing “merciless with sharpened sticks” actually had a pretty cool onomatopoeia effect as if this evolution had a soundtrack. Two weak points, I think, occur in lines 5 and 10 with the words “wounding” and “facing”. The “ing” verb forms weaken the overall effect of the image and, in the former “wounding” in the second verse, speaks to the immediate event of battling egos but clashes with the simple present “fight” in line 4 and simple past “balanced” in line 6. It might work better if egos “fight”, “wound” pride, and “balance” power.
In the latter, “Found facing” is one of the weaker sound combinations in the work. If it were something along the line of “We face the absolute” or something of that nature the line would be more powerful. Your call of course. Still, good writing. Good luck with it.
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MapleStreet reviewed Version 3 -
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It sounds forced. Like there are pieces missing as a result of trying to be poetic, or at least use a certain style. You have an idea that could be turned into a good poem, and lots of imagery that would work really well if given the right context and the right tone, but this is all too grandiose. It’s a common mistake made by those starting out though. Take arguing about undeniable truths, and proving our sophistication. Humanity? Too broad. It’s only interesting if that’s happening in someone’s living room over a glass of wine with grandma’s ashes sitting on the mantle. You have to be able to zoom in, and zoom out. Poetry is in the details.
Sylo reviewed Version 3 -
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I like this. It makes me think of prehistoric times and these shoddy cavemen looking guys out on the hunt after failing several times to catch their meal. However, I’m not completely sure that’s what you’re looking for. When you’re alluding to “horns, claws, venom, and tusks” are you talking about a dragon? What do you mean by “Our disoriented humanity was lost,/as damaged tissue formed a scar,/like flesh-armor over sincerity”? Do they finally work together? Your poem is interesting, and I do like it, I just want to be sure that I understand it. If it is what I think it is,then I think it’s a very inspiring piece of coming together despite our primitive differences. If I’m wrong, could you please enlighten me.
TheFionnmeister reviewed Version 3 -
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I like it. Feels almost like the opening to a film. You know, dark shots of what has happened, fading in and out…with that as a monologue it would be great.
To be quite honest, I don’t think I can say much in the way of constructive criticism; it was pretty flawless and would be even harder to improve, I think, so I’ll say what REALLY DOES work instead: Good range of vocab. I didn’t find myself trying to make it rhythmic once, which is good. I’m glad you steered it away from that. Not particularly emotional, but some words full of image help make it more dramatic: flesh, damaged, wounding, angry.
Excellent stuff,
keep it up,
Fionn
Jimmel104 reviewed Version 3 -
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Powerful. Very nice word usage “egos fight like angry lions”.
Perhaps rushed a bit through the evolutionary chain to our demise.
Include a bit of the slime from whence we came, etc.
and a bit of the gore (war) once human beings came onto the stage.
Just a thought.
Nice work here.
Redheadache reviewed Version 3 -
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Good rhythm. Could easily be used for lyrics.
Goes from meta to intensely personal quickly. Might be a better tension build if it happened slower.
chasingdreams1 reviewed Version 3 -
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“Our egos fight like angry lions,” Very powerful line to me, I like it because it’s true.
Brian76 reviewed Version 3 -
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Basicly I like it. It’s very philosophical but in a raw way. Not in a flying in the clouds way but facing the truth way.
“Our disoriented humanity was lost,
as damaged tissue formed a scar,
like flesh-armor over sincerity.”
This is an excellent picture and very sadly true. This is something I would gladly quote.
marebarr reviewed Version 3 -
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Great lines – tooth scraped bone and second line in first stanza. One line I would work on, amazingly, is the opening line – wonderous is too ordinary for this piece. Nice work.
fyriefae reviewed Version 3 -
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did not really understand the “one thousand three hundred grams” did not grasp the reference. Overall the poem has some good imagery but lacks flow. It reads very choppy. I really liked the lines “as damaged tissue formed a scar, like flesh-armor over sincerity” very original and great imagery in those lines. Overall, i would work on making it flow better.
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