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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Work in Progress
Silence filled the shadowy den. It had few windows with the light of the moon illuminating the walls painted black with gold, intricate designs. A long dining table surrounded by chairs, of old, Tudor style, was in the center of the room. Only two of the many chairs were occupied. In one of the chairs, a man was lounging casually on an arm of the chair. His skin was like the light from the moon, as if he never left the darkness. His face was smooth and calm, like a statue carved by man-kinds greatest sculptors. He has the stereotypical flawless you would hear in average romance novels. Thoughts were easily known from his eyes, a beautiful shade of blue. Unnaturally bright, his eyes were the color of a Diana Blue Morpho butterfly. The statue moved his mouth slightly as he spoke,
“We need to get the boy, before the others find him. We have to leave tonight or it will be too late.” He eye were full of pain although his face was still expressionless.
“Then we leave now, if we delay any longer we will fail. Tonight would be a grave mistake Jasper… I can feel it.” The man looked into Jasper’s eyes trying to express the seriousness of the matter at hand.
“Very well, get our robes Silas. I’ll be there shortly.” Jasper nodded towards Silas. Jasper knew better than not to listen to Silas’ intuition. The last time he doubted that World War II broke out. Silas had already returned to the room with their robes before Jasper had time to register anymore thoughts. Silas handed Jasper a robe and slid his on. His magnificent blond hair looked as if he had been outside in the wind for awhile. Yet, he was still as beautiful as Jasper. No amount of wind could change that. His eyes were the same gorgeous shade of blue as Jasper. And around the pupil of his eye he had a pure gold circle. Jasper had this as well; that is how they distinguish each other from the humans. It’s hard to see at a glance but is easy to notice once you know what to look for. Jasper slid on the robe and walked with Silas’ out of the room towards the door. Jasper opened the door that looked like it belonged to a castle; it was of mahogany and had iron handles.
It was pouring rain outside; thunder was roaring, while lightning was striking the ground all around them both. Neither showed expressions of fear, they simply walked out and started to run eastward with impossible speed. The forest was whipping by them as they glided on the earth. They slowed to a stop in a small village. Silas pointed to a quaint house directly in front of them. Jasper acknowledged Silas with a nod and they both began walking in the stone cobblestone street towards the house. Silas knocked on the door only to get no answer.
“He must know we are coming.” Silas smiled despite himself. “He is still here though. Surely the boy must think he is not the only one.”
“Well, if he is still here than we shall retrieve him whether he likes it or not. If he thinks what we’ll do to him is bad then he’ll hate to see what the other clan would do.” Jasper said grimly. Silas walked around the house to find an easy way in and found a window that the boy had forgot to board up in the back of the home. Jasper and Silas climbed through the hole making absolutely no sound; their kind had a gift for being light-footed. Jasper took a deep breath as if sniffing for something and started to walk towards a room to his left. They both could hear someone breathing lightly. They were absolutely positive the boy had sensed them.
“Come out of hiding Milo. I know you can sense us. We are only here to help. If you come with us willingly, we will not harm you.” said Jasper with authority ringing in his voice.
“How can I know you are telling the truth? You will just end up killing me, just like the others in the village have tried.” said the boy. Fear was in his voice, Jasper smiled at this.
“I know you are scared but if you come with us we will teach you how to use your gift.” Jasper looked at Silas with questioning eyes. Silas nodded and showed him a vile in his pocket with a mysterious liquid within it. It was oddly thick; the liquid looked like molten gold. Silas shoved the vile back in his pocket.
“I don’t believe you!” yelled the boy, finally standing up. Silas grinned with surprise and excitement.
“Wrong answer.” said Jasper. Jasper lunged at the boy; his fingers only graced the boy’s clothes as he leapt out of the way. The boy ran toward the doorway forgetting that he heard two sets of footsteps in his house; Silas had hidden before the boy had stood up. As the boy was just getting to the doorway, Silas dropped from the ceiling and landed in front of him, blocking the doorway. Jasper grabbed a fistful his shirt from behind.
“We aren’t amateurs. Next time think before you try to run from us, boy.” Silas said with a snarl, it seemed that the boy’s escaping style was insulting to Silas. Once they were outside, Silas bound his hands and feet together and threw him across his shoulder with ease.
“Alright, let’s go home shall we.” Jasper said calmly. They began to run back towards their home. Even though Silas had Milo on his back, he ran as if there was nothing there. Milo looked terrified, Silas laughed at the sight of his face when they arrived, Jasper grinned in response. Jasper pushed open the door for Silas since he was carrying Milo. Once they got into the dark room with gold decorations they laid Milo on the ground and cut his bindings. Milo ran towards the door, and tried to open it. Neither Jasper nor Silas ran after him.
“You fool; the door only opens for me, or Jasper. There is no way for you to leave.” Silas informed Milo.
“Silas, please stop being so rude to the boy. If he is going to help us at all you will need to be polite.” Jasper said, once again with that intimidating voice. Silas looked at Jasper and reluctantly nodded in agreement. You could tell who the alpha of their clan was.
“Boy, if you could join us over here. You have a lot you need to learn, and I have a lot I have to teach.” Jasper said politely. Milo glared at Jasper.
“Why are you calling me boy?” Milo questioned, enraged. “We are the about the same age.” Jasper only smiled at Milo.
“Quite wrong Milo. I am over two centuries old. You are only seventeen in age. So, like I said before, you have a lot to learn. Now allow me to teach.” Milo’s expression changed drastically. The once enraged face was now quizzical. Milo’s feet finally started working and he walked over to Jasper and sat in one of the chairs. Jasper smiled warmly at him and began the story.
“Milo, we have been trying to find you for decades. Once we learned of your great destiny, we set out to find you.”
“My destiny!? I’m only 17! I can’t have a great destiny! That’s preposterous.” Milo was dazed and confused by the spark of information that was just given to him.
“Your destiny is written and stored on the shelves in the Fortress of Prophecy. Only our kind can gain access to the Prophecies. We will have to show you it sometime.” Jasper smiled warmly.
“What have you been able to do so far?” Jasper asked patiently waiting for an answer. Silas was leaning against the wall, clearly not expecting much from whatever Milo was about to say.
“Well, I can see for great distances, I can smell anybody or thing that is close to me, I can run fast but not nearly as fast as you guys, and I have been getting stronger lately.” stated Milo clearly scared of what he was becoming. Silas smiled at Milo’s tone.
“Your powers are just developing. We got to you just in time. You are just a weakling compared to what you will become.” Silas informed Milo. Milo looked up at Silas in wonder of what Silas meant.
“We will help you with your powers in the morning. Now get some rest or you won’t be strong enough.” Jasper said softly, as if he was speaking to his own child. Milo nodded and walked out of the room in search of a bed. Once Jasper and Silas were alone in the room, Silas decided to discuss something important with Jasper.
“Jasper, you very well know that he is not going to fare easily with us. He is of different blood; I can smell it running through his veins. Milo is not of pure royal blood.” Silas was whispering to Jasper. Jasper looked at Silas with understanding eyes.
“I know Silas, but if we would have let the Clan of the Bird get him... You know as well as I, that he wouldn’t have survived their tests. I’m glad we got there before they did. Imagine if they showed up when we did! With their numbers, they would have crushed us; I admit it would’ve taken some work, but they would have done it.” Jasper whispered back earnestly.
“And besides Silas, the prophecy said he would not be of pure royal blood. He is our half-brother, even though he is only half we still have to protect him. We don’t want Father to win by having us turn against each other because of our blood.” Silas took a little bit to consider this. Finally Silas answered.
“Okay Jasper, I understand. But does Father even know Milo is alive? You know how he never pays attention to anything but himself.”
“Honestly Silas… Let’s hope to God that he doesn’t. I think the scouts from the clan are the only ones who know. ” Jasper said with a serious expression on his face. Silas got up and left for his room, leaving Jasper alone. Jasper hated to admit the Silas was right. Milo was going to be difficult. His blood smelled of royal mixed with peasant. It seemed that their father was a scum bag after all. He secretly was happy that his mother was not alive to know about it. His mother died 17 years ago. The circumstances were sketchy, but no one could figure out how she was killed. Jasper always knew in his heart what happened. His mother denied him of another pure blood son so he killed her and covered it up well. That was how Milo came to be. Although how Milo escaped his father’s notice is beyond him, he has several theories but is waiting to confront his father when they leave for the palace. Jasper started to feel tired, so he left for his bedroom. He hadn’t slept in days; his head was telling him that he was going to be sleeping for a long time. He half-hoped Silas wouldn’t kill Milo while he was asleep, although he knew his brother wouldn’t do such a thing. I mean, he is our brother; no matter how watered down the blood is. Jasper laid his head on the soft, silky pillow and fell asleep for the first time in days.
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The sun was blinding as it came through the windows of the bedroom. Silas grunted with despair, the brightness of the light was painful to his eyes. He grabbed at the sunglasses on his side table and slid them on his pale white face. Slowly, he got to his feet and began to walk to his dressing room. Once inside the room he grabbed some clothes and quickly put them on. Silas took a moment to evaluate his self in the gigantic mirror. Silas was wearing a white shirt with ruffles on the neck line and also on the opening for his hands. On top of that was a black formal vest, and black slacks. He looked like he had just come out of a movie set in the Tudor age. He looked at his ghostly complexion in the mirror. He thought eerily how humans had come up with a name for their kind, Vampires. Although they got it completely wrong. Technically, they were not Vampires at all. They did not drink blood, they could go inside homes without invitation, he could cross water, and sunlight didn’t kill them (although it was painful). Humans misunderstood their kind. It was a mystery as to how the “Vampire” legend came to be; but Silas knew, for it was because of him that the humans thought of their existence as monstrous.
Silas quickly threw the memory out of his mind and walked out of the room. As he was walking down the hall he heard a quick shuffle as if someone was hurrying to get back to their room. How stupid does this boy think we are? Silas’ expression turned from neutral to amused like it was some kind of a game. Without warning, a shadowy figure leapt from the shadows towards Silas. Silas leapt out of the way and gracefully jumped to the ceiling beams. They preferred to keep the ceiling nice and dark just in case, it seemed like a waste of time at the time, but Silas was now grateful.
“Come out Silas, I know you’re up there.” said a voice bouncing with amusement. Silas could hear the footsteps on the marble floor coming towards his hiding place.
“I can smell you Silas. Now come down here, your father wishes me to take you and Jasper to him.” Silas was immediately suspicious at this new information. His father? Why would he want to speak to us now? And how in the hell did he get into the house!? Silas prayed that Milo would stay in his room, for Milo’s sake. Silas decided to speak out; luckily they made the ceiling so if someone were to speak the whole room would fill with the voice, confusing the visitor.
“Why does he wish to speak to us?” Silas felt that this was a trap. The man below only wished to kill him for the bounty that his father had placed on his and his brother’s head. The man smiled slowly.
“Silas, come down here so we can speak like worthy men.” Silas was wondering why Jasper hadn’t come out yet to see what was going on.
“What did you do to Jasper?!” Silas yelled furiously. The man below him smiled.
“I haven’t had a chance for anything yet.” Silas started to jump on the wooden beams one by one getting closer to Jasper’s room. Each of their rooms had a secret opening near the beams, just in case of an emergency. Once inside Jasper’s room Silas leaped down and landed near Jasper sleeping in his bed.
“Jasper! Jasper, wake up!” Silas was shaking Jasper violently. Jasper slowly gained conscience and opened his eyes.
“Silas... What’s wrong?!” Jasper said as he started registering what was happening. Jasper sat up and looked at Silas for an explanation. Silas glanced at Jasper with a wild expression on his face.
“Someone is in our house and wants to take us to Father. Jasper we need to kill him or Milo’s existence will be revealed.” Silas was talking extremely fast and low as if someone was listening through the door.
“We need to act fast, or that man is going to turn us all in!” Silas was whispering urgently at Jasper. Jasper nodded and went to a random part in the wall. Jasper pushed against it and the little sliver of wall revealed a wide range of weapons. All of them were different kinds of knives, from daggers to swords. He picked up four swords that were curved, and handed two to Silas. Jasper grabbed two of the crimson cloaks hidden in the wall and threw one to Silas and slid his on. Jasper looked at Silas and spoke with a wicked grin on his face.
“You ready?”
“Just like old times.” Silas returned the smile back. They threw their hoods on to hide their faces and both leaped to the ceiling.
“Silas, come out, come out, wherever you are.” The man said with a mocking smile on his face.
“It’s okay to be scared, I’ll make your death swift if you wish” The man still had a smile on his face as he said it.
“I thought you were here for my father. Not to kill us. I think you forget who you’re dealing with.” Silas said spinning the swords in his hands. The man realized his mistake and pulled out his sword, it was gleaming from the sun coming through the windows. Jasper and Silas leapt off the beams and ran towards him with their swords cutting through the air. They were spinning and leaping across the air gracefully. The swords were ringing with the excitement of the battle. Finally, Jasper caught the man with his sword, piercing his heart. The man gasped, and fell to the floor. A golden colored liquid was flowing out of his body. Jasper wiped the liquid from his sword and looked towards where Milo was staying. Milo was banging on the door and making quite a lot of noise.
“You know what to do.” Jasper said to Silas. Silas nodded and took the vile out of the pocket in his cloak. He bent down to the man who had tried to kill them and took a droplet of the golden liquid and added it to the rest of the substance that was contained in it. Jasper walked to the door Milo was banging on and opened it.
“What is going on!? I heard fighting?” Milo looked genuinely concerned. Silas came over to join them and looked at both Jasper and Milo.
“We have to leave here its not safe anymore. We have over-stayed our welcome. We can head for the mountain and seek out shelter.” Jasper agreed and looked at Milo once again.
“Milo, it’s dangerous to our father if you are alive. If they find out you are alive, well, you’re dead. So, our goal is to keep that from happening. You have to trust us and do as we say; we have a little bit more experience in this area.” Jasper said. Jasper’s eyes pierced the air around him as he tried to convey the meaning of his words. Milo nodded and followed them as they started to pack. Jasper grabbed a few short knives and two more swords for Milo. Milo looked at the curved blade suspiciously. Jasper began to explain,
“It’s called a baaline. The blade is curved to give the blade a more aerodynamic feel when you slash at your opponent. Only few can master the blades, we shall teach you when we get to the mountains. Silas and I, well this isn’t the first time we had to run to the mountains. We have established a--” he paused contemplating the right word for it, “hideout in the deepest part. Only Silas and I know how to get in.” Milo nodded looking reassured. Silas handed Milo a cloak like the ones they were wearing. Milo slid it on slowly and took two baalines from Jasper.
“Alright, it’s time to leave. Milo put the hood on; it will shield you from the sun. Don’t worry you won’t die of exposure, but the amount of time we will be in the sun… well… we don’t want you baked to a crisp now do we?” Milo shook his head and did as he was told. They all headed to the great doors, setting out on possibly the most important journey any of them have ever been on.
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They stepped outside into the bright sun, even with the cloak on you could still see their pale white skin. Milo’s fiery red hair was vivid in the sunlight, as he did not have the hood on all the way. The sun’s heat felt good to his face. Jasper and Silas kept their hoods on for the moment. Jasper led the way into the forest around their home. Trees were towering over them reaching for the heavens. There were vines wrapped around most trees, and many different kinds of moss were hanging off the branches. Silas took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly. It had been so long since they traveled in the sunlight. It felt good to have the heat on his back. Silas took off his hood, Jasper did the same.
“Jasper, we should take the horses. It will look less suspicious. Any of the Wood’s Watchers won’t be expecting us to ride on horses; they will expect us to run.” Silas turned his head toward the hill behind their mansion. Milo had never seen what the mansion actually looked like; he was surprised to see the condition of what he had slept in that night. The old castle was regal and breathtaking. He didn’t know how they had come upon this for a home. Where were the Majesties that had once lived there? He quickly decided that he probably didn’t want to know. He began to walk after the other two when he tripped and landed in some thorns. Milo got up and began picking out the thorns in his hands. Milo took one look at his hand and screamed. His blood, it wasn’t the usual red; he had swirls of gold in his blood. At the site of this Milo ran to Silas for an answer to this new discovery.
“Silas! Jasper! What is happening to me?!” Milo was shouting in the direction they had walked off in. Immediately Jasper appeared by his side and was frantically surveying the area for predators.
“Jasper! What is wrong with my blood?!” Milo shoved his hand in Jasper’s face. Jasper examined it and softened his suspicious expression.
“Milo, it’s okay. When you start to mature as one of us, your blood will start to change. Although it is very odd how it happened so early…” You could see Jasper run all sorts of explanations through his head. Milo started to calm down at the news that this was normal, and turned toward the noise of horse’s hooves slapping the ground.
Silas had brought three horses, saddled up and ready to go. Milo was in awe at their appearance. They were majestic in the stature, were white with a tail and mane of shining silver. Not a speck of any impurity to their coat.
“Okay, let’s get going.” Silas ordered. Jasper and Milo mounted their horses and began to ride into the luscious, green forest.
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DREAD88 reviewed Version 1 -
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“The room was dark and had a sinister air about it.”
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Do not tell us this, describe it. Make the room feel ominous.
“Three chairs were arranged in the middle of the room, they were of old, Victorian style.”
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Victorian style? There must have been more than one model of chair in victorian england. What model is it, possibly distinguish it for the reader, or don’t mention it as being victorian if that would take too long. (As not every object must immediately become visible to the reader, but when you bring specific attention to it, and do not properly describe it, that is when the issues arise.)
“age of 19 was lounging on one of the arms.”
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leaning instead of lounging. He was lounging on the chair I would think, and he was leaning on the arm. Lounging is something your entire body does.
“We need to get the boy, before the others find him. We have to leave tonight or it will be too late.” he man with green eyes said in a worried tone.”
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I don’t know if it is necessary to say “with a worried tone”. In fact, what is being said in the quote by default suggests a worried tone. Now if the man said it calmly, while smiling, this would be a detail not obvious to the reader by the context of the sentence and would have to be put into the sentence in this manner.
“tonight would be a grave mistake Jasper… I can feel it.”
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What? Was this the intended wording?
“The last time they did not trust his feeling World War II broke out.”
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feelings, world war two erupted. I think erupted is a more publishable phrase than broke out. I think it is good to say that someone broke out in pimples. And that a war erupts or initializes etc.
“It’s hard to see at a glance but is easy to notice once you know who you are looking for.”
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It was* (no conjunctions outside of dialogue ahhhhh)difficult to detect at a glance, but upon closer inspection is quite distinguishable and is their means of separating one another from humans. -Also, I recommend trying to make this into a twist within the story. Tease the golden rings as a means of identifying one another instead of simply coming out and telling the reader.
“Silas knocked on the door only to get no answer.”
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Silas knocked on the door of the house, but to no avail.
“Silas walked around the house and found a window that the boy had forgot to board up in the back of the home.”
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Forgotten Also, how would the boy forget one window… and if they were boarded, the muscles in these mens legs must be incredibly strong to run that fast, so they could just kick the boards in. I suggest changing this, to make for a more dramatic entrance into the house.
“Jasper lunged at the boy, just in before Jasper reaches him he leaps out of the way and runs toward the doorway forgetting about Silas as he is not visible at the moment.”
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Just in before? Did you forget that you were typing just in time, and then changed your mind on the wording? I have a feeling that is what happened there. Also, Silas is not visible at the moment? Details!!!...
“fistful his shirt”
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fistful of his shirt
“We aren’t amateurs. Next time think before you try to run from us, boy.” Silas said with a snarl, it seemed that the boy’s style of getting away was insulting to Silas. Silas bound his hands and feet together and threw him across his shoulder with ease.”
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He’s a kid though. I’m not sure why he would be expected to be slippery, and why Silas would take this as an insult to his skills or intelligence. Hmmm…
“Even though Silas had Milo on his back he ran as if he weighted nothing.”
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weighed
“Silas, please stop being so rude to the boy. If he is going to help us at all you will need to be polite.” Jasper said, once again with that intimidating voice. Silas looked at Jasper and reluctantly nodded in agreement. You could tell who was the leader of their coven.”
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Would a leader say please?
“The once enraged face was now full of questions and disbelieving.”
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Disbelief
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oknapp reviewed Version 5 -
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This 712 word review has not been unlocked.
BluPhoenix28 reviewed Version 5 -
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Please read notes to the reviewed in profile.
- In the begining, I as a reader need more description of the enviroment and the first characters that we see. This is our first impression of the world that you creating. It needs to be a strong represenation of what you want us as a reader to see and understand. Flesh it out a bit.
- I would definatley reccommend a re read out loud for flow. You tend to overly favor the whole “Noun, verb.” “Noun, verb” sentence structure. This makes it a little choppy. You’ve got some good word choice, all you need to do is restructure some of the sentences for better flow.
- “We aren’t amateurs. Next time think before you try to run from us, boy.” Damn good line.
- “Milo’s expression changed drastically.” Changed to what? You have the structure for a great story here. Flesh it out. Better desriptions of setting, more character insight via descriptions of actions, expression and/or internal monolouges will give this story the depth that it desrves. This becomes especially true at the begining of the next section.
Again, this is a great framework for a good story. Keep at it.
martykate reviewed Version 5 -
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“painted black with intricate gold designs” the way you worded it sounds awkwardy
In almost no time they were in a small town of about 300 people—instead try “it took them almost no time to reach a town that was populated by about three hundred people.” Has a better sound to it.
“found a window in the back of the house that the boy had forgotten to board up” again, this way is better grammatically
Why not say “teach you how to use your powers”? leave out the “for the lack of a better term”
leave out “pure” when describing decorations—you don’t need it
“you and I both is awkward” why not “he would have killed both of us”?
conscience should be consciousness
First of all, you need to do a grammar check on this. There were a lot of errors and I didn’t want to point them all out. You need to revise your sentence structure and grammar check will help. You’re also a little “wordy” in some of your sentences. Some of them could be simplified and you would still have the effect you want to convey.
This has the makings of a fun, fantasy story, but it needs work. You’re not expressing yourself well, but I sense potential.
RavenJake reviewed Version 5 -
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You have some good ideas that struggle with themselves to be conveyed in the best possible way. Hopefully the review can help you convey your story to the best of your abilities.
“We need to get the boy, before the others find him. We have to leave tonight or it will be too late.” – That should be your first line. It offers more intrigue and suspense. Starting out with a description of the room is substantially less captivating. The description of the room can come after you’ve hooked the reader.
Don’t be afraid to slow down the dialog so that everyone knows whats going on. The dialog tags that follow the quotations can be limited to actions and this character said. When you tell the reader that this dialog was informing someone, or even explicitly state how the speaker spoke, then you distract the reader from your story. Those things will be evident from the context if presented in an effective manner.
If you can subtly insert the information that you have into the dialog tags your text will be way more engaging. Excellent dialog is sometimes when you don’t have to identify the speaker at all, the reader already knows by the situation and context.
Slowing down and addressing your dramatic, character plot points will draw the reader in to who your characters really are. It’s obvious that you like your characters, but to get the reader to like them takes some convincing coaxing.
Your back and forth drama requires a subtle approach, and any cliche elements require an even more subtle approach. I’m interested to see what you accomplish with future additions.
SkyeRayven reviewed Version 5 -
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Watch how much you use specific words. “The man looked into Jasper’s deep green eyes as if trying to convey the importance to him through his eyes.” (eyes)
“Jasper slid on the robe and walked with Silas’ out of the room towards the door. Jasper opened the big door, it was at least 18 feet tall and made of Mahogany.”(door)
I’m not going to go into gramitical and spelling errors. I’ll help edit later if you would like. You have a lot of present vs past in the same sentences
”...for he could not see him at the time. Out of nowhere Silas drops from the ceiling and lands in front” (dropped and landed or he didn’t see him before)
I also think this story has a very generic feel to it. So watch out for that. But your imagery is pretty good. I would watch how much speech you put into the story.
I don’t have time to read this all now, but I will read it and save you some of your credits and message you them when I get the chance.
slbynum3 reviewed Version 5 -
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Thank goodness this isn’t about vampires! I’m starting to get sick of them.
“The other man looked him in the eyes…The man looked into Jasper’s deep green eyes as if trying to convey the importance to him through his eyes.” only one of these sentences is needed since they mean the same thing.
“that is how they distinguish” the word ‘is’ is present tense. you should change it to past tense (was) if you want to keep this same flow throughout the story. You change tenses a couple times.
“thunder and lighting” lightning, not lighting
You have beautiful, thorough descriptions. Nice job.
“only graced the boy’s clothes” i think you mean grazed instead of graced.
I think you could elaborate more on the capture of Milo. It happens too fast.
Is this a whole chapter? It’s a lot happening to pack into one chapter. The overall pacing of this excerpt could be slowed down. I suggest the first chapter should only last up to the part where Jasper and Silas capture Milo.
This is an excellent story idea you have here. You have what it takes to be a wonderful writer. Great job!
FrakKevin reviewed Version 3 -
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How stupid does this boy think we are? -LOL
“W need-We
I really like the ring around the eyelid thing…it’s kind of believable that we can over look that. Things are still a little unclear about them…like the time period and how Milo lived before being recruited. This isnt Twilight 2…mainly because it isnt a boring love story..also good job of stepping away from vamps..kind of overdone. Even though Silas and Jasper arent really that young…they;re come off as two grumpy old men…add some hip to them a little.
OresteseViera reviewed Version 3 -
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Three chairs were arranged in the middle of the room, they were of old, Victorian style. These are two sentences that need a connecting word in between them or just make them two different sentences.
Second paragraph, first page, you use worried back to back. I suggest erasing the first and leaving the second.
I noticed you have a choppy transition going from action to explaining something.I’m sure you can fix this, and it’s almost a turn off to this interesting plot and clearly defined characters you’re shaping up.
Thunder doesn’t strike the ground.
he weighted / weighed.
Hmm..very different though the idea of superhumans isn’t new, but this like a revival of it. I look forward to reading more. Kudos for the names by the way.
Hoffmane21 reviewed Version 2 -
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In regards to Coven/Clan, there is also Kinfolk or Tribe. Coven doesn’t remind me as much of vampires as it does witches, but I haven’t read twilight either.
In the first of the three chairs -Youve already described 3 chairs, so I would use something like, In the first sat a boy no older than 19, who was lounging… or in the first chair…This way it doesn’t sound redundant.
He looked as if he [were] deep in thought -were
while his face was expressionless. -while the rest of his face was expressionless. Or while the rest of his face displayed no other emotion.
looked around at the other two -little lost, sorry. You said only 2 of 3 chairs had people in them. Since you describe 1, I thought there was only 1 other person there with the boy. In this sentence you say he looks at the other 2. Be clear. Is there a 3rd standing near them? (I realzed you say later there is only 1 man, so he looked at the other 2 what? Chairs? Not sure, please clear that for me.)
looked around at -Looked at, you can’t look around at somebody. You can look AT them or not look at them. Or he looked around and then at them. (Sorry, don’t get upset, I just review as I feel while reading. I am not trying to be overly critical and you don’t have to use any of it, it is your story =-P)
boy first and use the boy against them -boy first and use him against them.
that is how they identify each other from the humans. -identify doesn’t seem the right word here. Maybe how they separate their identities from humans? Or distinguish, detect the difference, single out who was human and who wasn’t…
around them both-omit both
run with superhuman speed east -run eastward with super human speed.
just in before Jasper reaches him he leaps out of the way and runs toward the doorway forgetting about Silas, as he is not visible at the moment. Out of nowhere Silas drops from the ceiling and lands in front of him, blocking anyway out. Jasper grabs a fistful his shirt from behind. -You changed tense in this scenario. You went from past tense to present tense back to past. Be careful with that. Jasper reached, he lept and ran, he was not visable. Slias dropped and landed, jasper grabbed, etc.
if he weighted nothing -weighed
(Is Silas and Jasper are really that old, in your opening sentence, try: sat a boy who looked to be no older than 19. Then it gives us an opening for later that something may be different about him.)
W need to act fast -we
And quickly, how did this man get into their house? From what you described the lock opens only with their hands…?
It seemed Milo was banging on the door to know what was happening -take out It seemed. Say Milo was banging on the door…
I am glad you left it open for more. Work on your tense, and be careful not to go back and forth with it. This has some potential but needs some cleaning up. Good job with keeping suspense and not giving to much away.
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