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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Path to Immortality: Chapter One

Chapter One- The Chosen Ones
His blood boils, his heart races with each blow his opponent throws at him. He barely avoided the blows, but then, boom! One of the punches hits him and send him to the ground. He felt his bones cracked as he hit the hard pavement. The young man felt pain throughout his body while desperately gasping to catch his breath. He knelt with his head down to his powerful opponent, and was in frustration. He was angry and confused, because none of his moves seems to work against the powerful foe.
He looked up, and their eyes met and what he saw was a darker version of himself, but twice his size; with glowing white eyes. A ‘Doppelganger’ -a ghostly version of oneself, or a living shadow- his opponent was. His ghostly version grinned with a wicked expression while humorously watching him in pain. The young man surprisingly threw a punch, and the Doppelganger easily avoided it. Then boom, again he got hit, but this time it was in his stomach. He curled himself up on the ground while in pain. His body trembled and he felt his strength leaving him.
The Doppelganger picked the young man up by his throat, and he gasped and showed a painful expression, trying to get free. The Doppelganger prepares to deliver his final blow.
But then, the young man heard the sound of a telephone ringing. Then, he came to realize he was having a nightmare again. He lurched upright from his bed, covered in a cold sweat.
‘Not again,’ The young man thought to himself.
Each night he dreams of fighting a challenging battle, and no matter how many times he challenges the same opponent, in the end he was defeated. He can’t understand why he never wins the fight. He also wondered why he as the same dream over-and-over.
The young man’s mother answered the Visual Receiver phone. A device that you can visually see the person on a monitor screen you were having a conversation with.
“Richard, it’s for you!” His mother shouted.
He looked at the monitor and an image popped up, and his best friend Eddy’s face, appeared on the screen.
“Hey, Rick? Are you awake yet?” Eddy asked. “What’s up, Eddy? Give me a minute to get dressed, I’ll meet you outside.” Rick said as he stretched his muscles. He heard the sound of his bones cracked as he does so.
“Dude, hurry up. We gotta go. You always sleep late.”
Eddy grew tired of Rick over sleeping, and caused them to be late To get to headquaters. A process Rick repeated constantly. He knew Rick was a laid-back kind of guy and often seems to be a slacker at times, but Eddy knew his friend meant well.
Richard De Arezzo Jr, Rick for short, is a sixteen-year-old, with a medium built frame and stood five feet seven in height. He has black spiky hair, tanned skin and tawny colored eyes. Rick is often quite and did not speak much. His friends always said he was a humble individual. Rick was the son of The Mighty Orion and the grandson of the legendary warrior, Vigora, He was a descendant of Achilles. He was sent through time, ninety-three years from his own future. As an child, Rick’s father, Orion sent Rick and his mother through time to protect a sector called, Blue Haven City.
Dave Ion Jones, is Rick’s best friend and guardian. His nickname was Eddy. A slender young man; a couple of inches shorter than Rick, with dirty blond hair that often covers the right side of his face with split ends sticking up. He also has emerald colored eyes. Eddy was from the 21st Century and he was a time traveler. Rick’s father, Orion conveyed him to the future to protect Rick. Due to the fact that he was from a thousand years in the past, Eddy did not age. Eddy is well known for his eagerness, always willing to rush into things without thinking. He was very impulsive.
It is the 30th century- 2901, on The Third Earth Colony, a sector named, ‘Blue Haven City.’ A domed city that is shielded from the ultraviolet rays of the red sun. Third Earth’s ozone layer was so hollow that the citizens could see the other planets in space. The toxic air outside the city was harmful to the lungs, so the transparent dome shields the citizens from the poisonous gas and citizens are forbidden to dwell outside the walls without wearing specially designed respirators. The city consists of oval and square shaped buildings and hovering motor vehicles, a beautiful sight to see. The citizens live their daily lives without fear of anything harming them. The city is observed by solid 30th Century computers, nearly making sure there are no threats. In actuality, there has not been a major problem in about ninety-five years. Still the elders of Blue Haven didn’t let their guards down. They knew of the possible threats, reflecting from past events.
Vigora was the warrior who sacrificed himself to saved Blue Haven. He was the city’s hero. The citizens were so grateful of Vigora’s sacrifice that they built shrines to worship him and a statue in the capital of the city to remind themselves of him. Vigora and his son Orion had saved sector, Blue Haven from the phantoms- corpse with special abilities and everlasting life. Vigora and Orion, on the other hand are immortals. They dwelled in a realm called, Thanodia. A world created by The God of Death, Thanatos. Thanodia is above Third Earth and just bellow Mount Olympus. And the Phantom Realm is just above Hades.
The second quarter of the year and the young citizens are out on summer break from Blue Haven Academy. Rick and Eddy are enrolled in government programs managed by the military in sector, Blue Haven, and they are part of a special project code named, ‘Stars of Orion.’ The project consists of enhancing human DNA and increasing their Re-ki (energy and spiritual power), transforming them into Super Soldiers.
Rick got dressed, but before his departure, he grasped for his baseball hat. Royal blue in color with white lightening stripes. A memento from his grandfather, he never left home without it.
“Finally!” Eddy shouted as Rick walked from inside his house. “You take so long to get ready, dude.”
“Sorry, just chill out.”
“We’re going to be late for work again.” Eddy said as Rick hopped into his hovering sports car.
As they rode to headquarters, Rick told Eddy about his reoccurring dream, the one with him fighting his Doppelganger.
“What do you think it means?” Rick asked his best friend. Eddy looked at him with confusion as the wind blustered though his blond hair.
“To tell you the truth, it sounds like a message from the gods of Olympus. A message from Zeus, maybe.”
Eddy shrugged his shoulders after his response, Rick held his head down to think about his dream. He felt lost because it was unclear to him. He wishes his father or grandfather was around to ask them about it. He then tried to forget about the dream momentarily. He thought about the years he spent training at the military institute to be a part of Project-Stars of Orion. Rick thought about the struggles he had and obstacles he had yet to overcome. Still he hoped he made the special team.
“When do you think is the selection, Eddy?” Rick asked.
“What selection?”
“You know, the selection to see who is gonna be The Chosen Ones to fight the phantoms.”
“Oh, that selection,” Eddy said as he giggled slightly. “I don’t know. Do you think you are gonna make it?”
“ I don’t know,” Rick answered in doubt. “Though I am a descendants of warriors and immortals, I still don’t think I’m cut out to be one of the Chosen Ones.”
“Dude, don’t say that. I think you will make it. Just have a little faith. Nevertheless, you are the grandson of Vigora. There is no telling what’s gonna happen. Who knows, you might end up being the leader.”
“Yeah right. Me a leader? I don’t thinks so.” Rick said as he chuckled.
Eddy knew Rick did not believe in himself, but he knew what Rick was capable of. They have been training together for years and Rick had shown potential.
Rick and Eddy glides through the sky traffic as it moves leisurely in the morning rush hour. Eddy honks at the turtle moving vehicles, showing no patience. Rick looked at him discontentedly, and not bothered by the slow pace of the traffic ahead of them. He liked to enjoy the view of his beautiful city. He never seemed to get tired of admiring the buildings and the other cars hovering bellow and above him. He looked in the direction of his grandfather’s statue. He wishes one day he can be like his grandfather. A pity he did not know he as the potential to surpass the ones before him.
They got to headquarters eventually. The two best friends ran inside and bumped into the employees and soldiers without noticing them. Rick had the decency to say sorry to them, while Eddy did not bother to apologize. They rushed towards the main hall, but before they got into there, another friend named, Trevor Calder, greets them. A well-built Afro American lad, standing six foot one inch tall, weighing a hundred and ninety pounds, with an interesting hairstyle: sprayed a blondish, brown color with three mohawks on the top and side of his scalp. He was about a year older than Rick and Eddy. People around him marvel at his size.
“You guys need to hurry up, my father is about to start the announcements for the day.” Trevor said as he laid down the finishing touches to his latest project. A work-a-holic and a wiz kid his companions called him. He was always working to perfect a gadget. Trevor buried himself in his projects and dislikes being disturbed. He too was training to be a part of Project-Stars of Orion. He is a part-time scientist and developer of weapons, alongside his cousin, a lady name Tanecia Robinson. Trevor was also consider conceited and unpleasant. He was one of those people that did not care what comes out of his mouth, and he did not care much about peoples feelings.
Eddy soon disappeared from Rick to go mingle with the other soldiers as Rick stayed behind to talk to Trevor.
“What’re you working on today, Trev?” Rick asked.
“It’s my prototype, enhanced Micro Gauntlet.”
“What is that?”
“They are exoskeleton bracelets that allows me to control its will and enables me to change its shape to any form of weapon in its arsenal, using my Re-ki”
“Oh, that sounds cool. How long have you been working on them?” Rick asked.
“I’ve been working on the gauntlets for some time now and they’re almost finish. I use my central nervous system to control its mechanics. My enhanced DNA allows me to control any machinery that I come in contact with.”
Rick attempt ask Trevor a bit more, but before he could a voice bellows in the main hall, “The commander is here!”
Headquarters was one of the most magnificent building in Blue Haven. It was over forty stories tall, the tallest building in the city. The main hall is enormous. It is the size of a football stadium, consist of top of the line 30th Century computers and heavy machinery that helps to monitor the shield guarding the city’s dome. They had several satellites that orbited Third Earth, The satellites were used as trackers, they also records and store footages across the globe. The gateway to the Phantom Realm was at headquarters as well, six stories bellow the main hall, and the computers and the Philosopher Stones helped to prevent the phantoms from crossing over in Third Earth. Also a training facility is here as well. This was where the soldier prepare themselves for combat and train to be a part of Project, Stars of Orion.
“Form a line soldiers!” The commander shouted.
At his command, Rick and the other soldiers form several straight lines. There are almost two hundred soldiers here today to train. The commander and his lieutenants supervises this many soldiers.
“Soldiers, what’s our motto?” Commander Calder shouted as his voice echoed through the hall. The commander was a sturdy and strong looking individual. Like many commanders before him, he was not an easy going individual. But he has a soft spot for most of the soldiers, especially Rick. The commander held many ranks. You could tell by how many badges and medals he wears on his uniform. He looked to be in is late forties, a half Black, half Caucasian male, with a bearded chin goatee. He is the father of Trevor Calder.
“To serve our savior, Vigora. To protect our fellow countrymen, and our citizens. To fight for the cause of Blue Haven City.” The soldiers all replied.
Blue Haven Military’s purpose was for several reasons. Their main existence was to stop the phantoms if they cross over into Third Earth’s sector. The seven Philosopher Stones helped to keep the gateway to the Phantom Realm sealed. But if even one stone went missing, the phantoms would be able to cross over into Blue Haven Colony.
In their history this took place in the 2808, and caused great devastation. The Five Coalitions of Destruction was upon them. Their names are Spyke, Chaos, Wrayth, Havok, and the leader of this demolition was Holocaust. They are beings whose souls cannot rest, they are called phantoms, and they were stopped by the legendary warrior, Vigora. He banished the sinister five to the Phantom Realm with the aid of his son, Orion.
“Soldier. I am glad to inform you today that the audition to be apart of Project- Start of Orion is over.” The Commander said aloud.
Everyone began to mumble amongst themselves. Some of the soldiers are relieve now that the rigorous training was over. But some still think they have a lot to learn.
“Today we will choose the individuals to lead us into battle against the phantoms!” The commander shouted as he walked down the line between his soldiers.
“The prophecy of Orion, tells us that the Five Coalitions of Destruction will return from the realm of the phantoms. It did not say how but our, prophet Orion warns us to be prepared. So therefore, we, the Elders have taken this time out to choose a few of our soldiers, ‘The Chosen Ones’ the prophecy calls them. Project-Stars of Orion was successful and four soldiers passed the final tests. The first of them is, Richard De Arrezo Jr. Soldier, step forward please.” The commander said.
Rick was shocked, he did not believe he did it. He thought he was having another dream. Rick nervously walked forward.
“Richard, your code name will be Bellatrix from now on. You are the grandson of Vigora and the son of the Mighty Orion. You will be the one to lead us through our coming battle.” The commander shouted. Most of the lieutenants knew Rick was going to make it because he was the son of Orion. They expected him to be team captain also, and put a lot of pressure on him during his training. But Rick endured it and was even innocent to there jealousy and hardship towards him. Some of the soldiers were jealous now that he made captain.
Eddy smiled, he knew the selection was taking place today, he had got a hunch from Trevor, yet he had not tell Rick. But he did not know Rick was going to be team leader, he thought Trevor was.
“Captain Bellatrix, congratulations on surviving it through, Project-Stars of Orion. You’ve made you grandfather proud.” He said to Rick with a slight smile on his face. He gave Rick a suitcase, and in this suitcase was his battle gear. It was brand new compare to the one he was using when he was training to be a part of Project-Stars of Orion; Rick looked at the new armor and liked the it very much.
“Thanks, commander.” Rick said with a smile. The commander nodded as he and Rick struck a salute to one-another.
“Three others have passed also,” The commander said as he walked toward the others. He then calls,
“Dave Ion Jones. Your code name is, Rigel. Trevor Calder, your code name will be Betagus.” They both walked forward and struck a salute. Rick is well satisfied with the other Chosen Ones. He smiled and salute to them as well.
“These are three out of the four Chosen Ones. Rigel and Betagus will be Bellatrix’s generals. The others will follow them into battle. You all will learn to obey these three in the field of combat. I the Commander, will give the orders.”
Trevor and Eddy stood at attention beside Rick. Though Rick was nervous he showed no sign of it.
“Rigel, your new ‘Battle Droid’ is not complete as yet. The old one that you complained about that was not efficient to move around in, we discarded it. The new one will be ready by the end of the day. Betagus, you too will get a Battle Droid until you finish working on your Micro Gauntlets.” The commander said to Eddy and his son, Trevor.
Battle Droids are seven foot tall, mobile suits or mechas that the Chosen Ones were train to operate for the coming battle. They are walking vehicles, that shapes like a human body with arms and legs controlled by a pilot. They consist of guns and other forms of weapons.
“There is another person that passed also, but she is not present at this moment.” Continued Commander Calder.
Rick wondered who is this ‘She’ the commander spoke of, still he remained calm.
“Congratulations you three. You have passed, Project-Stars of Orion. Soldiers, at ease!” Commander Calder bellowed before his departure.
Eddy and Trevor smiled has they approached their captain, Rick.
“You guys knew today was the selection, didn’t you?” Rick asked as his generals smiled at him.
“Congrats, dude. You made it and on top of that, you’re our captain.” Eddy said joyously. He was happy that Rick was his captain.
“Well appreciated. I’m glad to work along side you two.”
“Along side us? Dog, you’re leading us.” Trevor stated with a little envy in his voice. He gave Rick an eerie look before he departed. He was jealous that he did not get the captain’s position.
“Don’t pay Trev any mind, you know how he gets.” Eddy said to comfort his friend. He then said goodbye to Rick as he too departed.
As the other soldiers departed as well, Rick stood in the room wondering how very interesting the day turned out to be, his training finally paid off. He had passed Project-Stars of Orion and on top of that, he was the captain of his own unit. Rick was overwhelmed.
‘Me, a leader? That is somewhat hard to imagine. Can I bare this kind of responsibility? Am I ready for this kind of independence?’ Rick thought to himself.
He thought about everything and specifically his dream. Still he wondered if the dream had anything to do with the events of the day. Soon he also departed to brag to his mother about his leadership.

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Reviews

November 15, 2009

SLD

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26	M	Ireland	November 16

SLD reviewed Version 1 - Read 75% of the Item

Hey,
I thought I’d be constructive with grammar and syntax corrections as I read. I’m not being negative, so please don’t hate me for the corrections.

O.K. , here goes:

“One of the punches hits him and send him to the ground.”

So simple enough , “sends” him to the ground. Just run it through a spelling and grammar checker, and it should clear all the little stuff like this up. I just picked out one , but there are a few instances like this.

“was in frustration”

Was in a state of frustration perhaps, or something like “burning with frustration” might flow more with the story.

“humourously watching”

When it’s phrased like that , it actually implies the manner in which he was watching is funny, rather than what I think your going for which would be “watching amused by his pain” or something similar.

On Page 2 , you go into a lot of exposition about the character, which is a common error, at least in my opinion. You should try to introduce the facts about the character, like the fact he’s from the future, into the natural flow of the story. It helps with the pacing, and it can actually be used for interesting plot points. Readers can sometimes appreciate more when they work things out , rather than having a fact simply stated. So making subtle references to something early, and then having a big reveal, gives them a sense of satisfaction, and an appreciation for the authors skill.

You have a big imagination, and a good vocabulary, I’d say you are missing some of the subtleties of storytelling and nuances of grammar. So my biggest suggestion would be to just read, read constantly and this stuff will come with time.

You obviously have a love of Science Fiction, which is my only genre as well. The biggest tip I can give here is that the gadgets, the technology , the universe should be second to the characters. Try to use the technology as a function of the story , and not have the story as a way to express a lot of ideas for interesting technology if that makes sense.

I just gave you all 5’s, because I don’t like number scores, I think they are too judgmental and don’t actually tell you anything constructive. I hope you don’t take anything I say as a negative, you should absolutely keep creating and the best of luck with all of your work.