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Young Adult / Caroline, Diary of a Girl in Danger

Caroline: The Diary of A Girl in Danger

January 1

Dear Diary,
My name is Caroline Michelle Ross. I am a fourteen year old girl and this is my first entry in my new journal. I am writing to you so that the world will better understand why I have killed myself. I plan on committing suicide in two months so that you can see what goes through my mind on a daily basis. I have set the date at march first. I will have to suffer until then, but I am willing to sacrifice two more months of happiness for my readers.
Last night I went to a party that a neighbor kid threw for some of the kids at school. I think that the only reason that I was invited was so that I would not tell his parents that he had a party while they were gone. I got home a few hours ago, but I am still awake at four in the morning because I have been crying for hours. I had a horrible time at the party. I wish that I had stayed home and rented a movie or something. I didn’t know anyone there. No one would talk to me. I couldn’t eat because I was so disgusted with my enormous mass of a body. It was a disaster, but of course, I came home and buried my sorrows in a tub of chocolate ice cream. I am so fat. I need to lose some massive weight and soon!
Matt was at the party. He’s this guy at school that I would never stand a chance with. He’s really cute. It’s fun to imagine dating him although it would never happen. I’m going to die alone as I was meant to. No one will ever love me. There are girls my age that have ex-boyfriends, but I haven’t ever even had a boyfriend to begin with. I’ll never have a boyfriend. I’m just too ugly. It will never matter who I have a crush on because I stand a chance with no one. If I could have one wish it would be for Matt to ask me out.

January 2

Dear Diary,
It took me hours to fall asleep last night. I just kept thinking that today is my first day back to school from winter break. I’m sure that everyone will be talking about how horrible I looked at the party of the year. I should have spent more time getting ready. I really blew it. But speaking of getting ready, I have to get to the bus stop in fifteen minutes so I’m off for now.

Later,
I’m back from school and it was a crappy day. Everyone was giving me dirty looks. I know exactly what they were thinking. They were thinking about how ugly I looked today, and they’re right. I look like a train wreck. My hair is a mess of waves and curls. My clothes are sloppily put together to form an outfit. My make-up was too subtle. I should learn to hide my face, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I need to see my face in the mirror and say that this is as good as it’s gonna get. I’d live in the bathroom if I tried to make the make-up change my hideous face.
Today, I almost worked up the courage to talk to Matt, but then I remembered that it was me. For about five seconds I felt like I was someone else. It felt great! I wish I could be like that all of the time but I know that it wouldn’t do any good. I was chosen to be miserable. There’s nothing I can do to change that.

January 3

Dear Diary,
I hate school! My biology teacher gave me a chapter of review to do for homework. It took me two and a half hours to finish it. Why the hell do I need to know how a single cell works! I won’t use the information in real life. I only need to know how the whole human body works. Cells are useless to me. I wasted two and a half hours of my life to do homework that I’ll never use. I could have watch a movie on TV or something. Or listened to like four CD’s. Why do teachers have to waste all of my time. I got home at three thirty, did two and a half hours of biology homework, so then it was six o’ clock. I had dinner and took a shower, and then it was seven o’ clock. Then, I did the rest of my homework which took two hours. I didn’t get to do anything that I wanted to until nine o’ clock. I watched TV for about two hours and then told my parents that I was going to bed because they were telling me that I had to. It’s eleven thirty now. I still have some stuff that I want to write about before I go to sleep.
Today during lunch I ran into my old friend McKenna. I don’t regret that I stopped talking to her, but I do regret ever being her friend. At least I learned the lesson that having no one at all is better than having someone who will stab you in the back for no good reason. I don’t think that she ever cared about me. She told everyone that I was a slut, and everyday I’m hearing new things that she’s told people that I said but never did. She’s out to get me. Her entire world seems to revolve around making my life a living Hell. Sadly, she seems to be doing a very good job at it. Since I’ve stopped talking to her, more and more people hate me for reasons that I don’t know about. Maybe, I should be fake and tried to make friends with her again. Maybe, people would think that she was just mad at me, and they’d forget what she said. I think that I need to think about it. I can’t afford to make any more mistakes. People already hate me, I don’t want to make it worse by making the wrong choice about anything.
Okay, now for the Matt update. He has a new girlfriend. I’m not surprised. He really is a great guy and he deserves to be happy, and he had a huge smile on his face when he told everybody about her. So he deserves her.
It’s midnight. I should really go to sleep now, but I’m not ready to yet. I still want to cry about the day that I had. I want to cry that I am worthless and probably got all of the answers on my homework wrong. I want to cry that no one cares about me, so I can’t go to sleep yet. I won’t cry myself to sleep for a third night in a row. I will stay awake until I feel that I can lay my head down on my pillow and not soak the cotton pillow case with tears. I’ll probably be up all night. My alarm goes off at six, I hope that I can stop my eyes from welling up soon.
I’m going to put my headphones on and listen to a CD to try to calm myself down. I think I’m going to listen to the Back Street Boys. Their music has good memories attached. That’s all I really have now. Memories. I used to have friends and people who cared about me. What did I do wrong to chase everyone away? There must be something wrong with me that I can’t see.
It’s one in the morning now. I’ve taken the CD out and turned on the radio. I still want to cry, but not as badly as I did an hour ago. I can’t believe that I have to wake up for school in five hours. Tomorrow is really going to suck.
It’s two in the morning and I’m finally ready to go to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

January 4

Dear Diary
I am exhausted! I think that I fell asleep around three. It’s five in the afternoon now. I have finished my homework already because I refuse to do another whole chapter for biology. I have four classes to worry about. I will not spend hours a day just on biology. I have math, history, and English to worry about other than biology. So what if I fail one class, I’m going to kill myself in less than two months anyway. Dead girls don’t need an education.
It’s time for dinner. I’ll write tomorrow.

January 5

Dear Diary,
It’s a Wednesday. The most boring day of the week. I did however, find a new crush. His name is Jordan. Again, someone who I don’t stand a chance with, but it’s still fun to imagine that I was someone else.
Again, I received an entire chapter of biology homework. Again, I refuse to spend that much time on one assignment. My teacher was pissed that I didn’t do my assignment. She said that it’s not like me. How the hell does she think that she knows what’s like me and what isn’t. I’ll say what I’m like. No one else knows me.
I ran into McKenna again. She gave me a dirty look and walked away. I’ve decided that becoming her friend again isn’t worth it, and she probably wouldn’t let me anyway. I wish that I had a friend that would stick up for me when she’s a bitch to me.
I got into another fight with my mother today. I volunteered to serve dinner and I didn’t put enough food on her plate. I put twice as much as what I would eat, but I should have known to put more than that on her plate. I am worthless as a daughter. I am grounded for the rest of the night because I tried to apologize for my wrongdoing. She didn’t want to hear me speak, and when I said that I was sorry, it set her off. I want so badly to sing right now to let it all out. I’m sure she’d shoot me if I opened my mouth for one note. And she would tell the world how much I lack in talent for singing. I’m going to go cry myself to sleep now.

January 6

Dear Diary,
When I got home today my mother was waiting for me. My biology teacher called her about my missing homework assignments. She attacked me with anger. She screamed at me for hours. I didn’t even start my homework until six o’ clock today. At least one good thing came out of it, I didn’t eat dinner. I need to stop eating altogether, but I have no will power when it comes to food. I’m a fat cow, I’d really like to change that.
I talked to Jordan today. I didn’t say much, but I got a “Hi” in there. He actually smiled at me. He must have been trying to be nice. At least there’s one person who doesn’t hate me, but there’s still no one who cares. It’s great that there may be a potential acquaintance. Maybe, I’ll have someone to hang out with sometime. I miss just hanging out with people. I really hope that Jordan ends up turning into someone that I hang out with every now and then.
I saw McKenna again today. She called me a slut while I was waiting to get my lunch today. When I told her that I was a virgin she said that it was the way I dressed that made me a slut. I disagree, she’s the one who dresses like a slut. Then, maybe, people like it when she dresses that way. I wonder who agreed with her when she called me a slut. Maybe everyone thinks that I’m a slut. Maybe that’s why Jordan smiled at me. Maybe he does hate me and he just wants to get laid.
It’s eleven at night now. I should be getting to bed, but I’m still freaking out about what people think of me. Why did McKenna have to call me a slut? What did I ever do to her? I really hope that people disregard what she says about me.
It’s twelve now, and I still can’t sleep. I don’t know what I can do to get my brain to calm down. I really wish that I could sleep. I’m really tired.
It’s one now, and I’ve pretty much given up trying to get to sleep.
It’s one thirty. Mom has finally gone to bed. I can hear her snoring on the couch. I’m going to go get a glass of milk and some cookies. If she wakes up I’ll be accused of having an eating disorder I’m sure.
It’s two. Mom didn’t notice that I went to the kitchen. She was asleep on the couch with her headset still on. I wonder who she talks to all night long.

January 7

Dear Diary,
It’s almost time for me to leave for school. I was so tired when I woke up that I sat on my mom by accident when I put my shoes on. I’m grounded for the weekend. What a great way to start a Friday. I have to get to the bus stop now, if I miss the bus I’ll be grounded even longer.

Later,
School today was horrible! Again, McKenna was a bitch. And again, Jordan was nice to me. I’m so confused about Jordan. I wish I could read his mind.
I have a project to do in English. I have to write ten poems and make a portfolio. I think that this is something that I can actually do a decent job on. I’ve always liked to write poetry, and I have the whole weekend to work on it since I’m grounded. I’ll copy poem one for you.

“Here Alone”

I’m sitting here
Alone
With no one to talk to
No one to run to
When I want to cry

I want to cry
But I don’t know what about
My emotions are shrouded
Hiding from my thoughts
My soul is masked
Even from myself
I’m so confused
I don’t know why
Why
Do I want to cry

I’m so lost
From myself
I don’t know how
To find my way back
To knowing myself

I don’t know what changed
But something has
I search through my head
But thoughts don’t come clear
My feelings are mixed together
And I don’t know
How to unscramble them

I’m too afraid
To turn to my friends
Because I don’t know why
Everything is a mess

I can only hope
That everything will
Turn out okay

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. It’s dark. It really matches how I am feeling right now though.
I have finished poem two already. Here it is.

“Internal Pain”

Tears held like fire inside
Burning pain inside my chest
A thousand knives
In one small heart
Weighted down by
Darkening clouds
Twisted ‘round
Like turning wheels
Pulled back out
And put back in
Destroying what is left within

Crying nights without a tear
Let it out?
I can’t
I fear
The pain inside is greater than I
So with the wave
I can’t cry

Pain it builds
Like flooding streams
The dam won’t hold
Past the screams
It is the force within my dreams
That wakes me up
When I can’t sleep

Relief is far
From my broken heart
Words from my hero
Can’t even start
To reunite
What is left
Of my heart
The pieces scattered
So far apart
From on to the next
I can’t see
It’s like and ocean
Never-ending blue

The light’s so dim
Darkness fills the space
Between the pieces
Of a heart once whole
A heart suddenly broken
Taken by surprise
Dragged beneath the clouds
With no warning
Blue skies
Where happiness played
Were swept with darkness

Darkness chokes
When I take a breath
It stabs my heart
With every beat
It twists the knife
With every glance
It pulls me down
When I try to stand

I take a breath
The pain it greatens
It’s overwhelming
The way I grieve
If you think I’m okay
My looks do deceive

Inside I cry
When my face it smiles
The pain not shown
Is larger than me
If I let it out
I’ll erupt
Like a volcano
I’ll erupt
Tears like lava
Screams like smoke
Would torture the bystanders
As I grieve
So I keep it to myself

I have until January 21st to come up with the other eight. I shouldn’t have any problems with that. I’m overflowing with ideas.
It’s time for dinner, and then I’m going to hop in the shower. I’ll chat more later.

Even Later,
I can’t stop thinking about Jordan. My neighbor Kyle who had the party last week told me that Jordan was asking about me. He said that Jordan asked if I was single and Kyle told him that I was. I think it might be a joke, or maybe he lost a bet. I’m going to go cry myself to sleep again.

January 8

Dear Diary,
I love Saturdays! I finally got some sleep. I didn’t get out of bed until noon. Mom started yelling at me. She said that I was wasting the day. What does she care anyway. She just wanted me to get up so that I would clean the house. She gave me a list of chores.
1. Wash dishes
2. Mop kitchen
3. Clean the outside of the refrigerator
4. Clean toilet
5. Clean sink
I hate it when she gives me chores. I always do them wrong. I’m so sick of her yelling at me for everything.

January 9

Dear Diary,
I don’t even want to write today.

January 10

Dear Diary,
Mondays suck, but I wrote another poem for my project.

“When Dreams Are Gone”

Slipping, Fading, Dieing

Dreams slipping, falling
And hard to reach

Dreams Fading, flickering
And hard to see

Dreams dieing, stopping
And no longer there

Hope is gone
True life is gone
When dreams are gone

It’s short, but I like it. It comes from the heart. That’s what the teacher told us to do, write poems from the heart. I still have seven poems left to do, but I have lots of time left. More than a week.
Jordan asked me to a party this weekend! His parents are going to be out of town. I’ll have to sneak out of the house to go, but if anything happens, it will be worth it. It’s on Saturday, I’ll have to go to bed early to get ready. I plan to sneak out around ten.

January 11

Dear Diary,
Today wasn’t a half bad day. Mom was at a “friend’s” house when I got home and she didn’t get back until an hour before I went to bed. Or at least when I said that I was going to bed. I love it when she’s not around. All she ever does is bitch about everything. I didn’t know that it was possible for one person to hate so many people and things. I only hate her and myself. In general, I try to find good in people. Even if it is someone who has been horrible to me. There’s good in most people, it’s just deeper in some people and you have to look harder.
Poetry project update. I have ideas that I haven’t gotten to paper yet, I should have another one done tomorrow.
Jordan update. I didn’t see him today. I heard that he faked sick today to get out of trouble for not finishing homework. I’ll try to ask him about it tomorrow.
Kyle talked to me today. It was strange because I’ve always thought that he hated me. He’s kind of popular. He usually only talks to me when he wants me to keep my mouth shut about something. I think that he feels a little pity towards me because of my mother not loving me and all. He hears a lot of the fights, and he sees me sitting by my window crying a lot. He also knows that I never have any friends over because he would see them pulling into the driveway. It’s good of him to feel sorry for me, but I don’t want him to try to be friends with me unless he really wants to be. It is nice that there’s one less person who hates me. The sympathy feels weird though. I don’t think that I like sympathy. I should try harder to hide things.
McKenna was different today. She came to me bawling about some guy. She said that I was the only person who she could talk to. She apologized for everything that she did to me. I don’t think that I buy it. I really do think that she’s trying to manipulate me for some reason. I’m going to sleep on what my reaction should be.

January 12

Dear Diary,
I hate myself. I gave in and talked to McKenna. I just felt so bad for her crying like that. I didn’t know what to do, so I gave her a hug and told her that everything would be okay. Maybe it will be okay for her, but it won’t be for me. I have to deal with her again, and she asked to come to Jordan’s party with me. I really don’t want her to go because I know that she will steal any chance that I have with Jordan. He would definitely choose her over me because she is the one who will fight for him. I mean literally. She will kick my ass if I try to go after the same guy as her, and she knows that I like Jordan. She’ll go after a guy if she knows that I like him. To her it’s all a competition. She will win because I’m afraid to go up against her. She is a nasty bitch when someone pisses her off, and that’s what competing with her for Jordan would do. I should just give up.
I don’t have a poem today. I’m too upset to write anything creative today. I think that the date that I set of March first is a little too far away. I’ll think about it and let you know if I move the date closer, or if I find someway to make myself feel a little better for a while. It’s Wednesday today, I’ll let you know by Friday what I decide. It’s time for dinner now, I’ll write more later.

Later,
I hate myself even more now. I ate way too much at dinner. It was so good! We had macaroni and cheese. It’s my favorite. It’s full of fat and carbs and I’m trying to lose weight. I’m not off to a good start on my diet. I did find some laxatives that I took to help my body get rid of all that fattening food without digesting it all. I took five times what is recommended, so it should get that food out of my system okay.

January 13

Dear Diary,
I had to stay home from school today because the laxatives that I took were a little stronger than I thought they would be. I told my mom that I thought it was a 24-hour flu or something, and she believed me. She was pissed that I was staying home though. She likes having the house to herself during the day so that she can bring her boyfriends over without anyone knowing about it. She told me that she went to the store to buy milk and it took her two hours to get home. It wouldn’t take that long to get milk if she walked. How stupid does she think that I am. I know what’s going on. Everybody does. She’s really bad at hiding the fact that she is cheating on my father. I really wish that she would just leave us. She makes it so obvious that she doesn’t love any of us, but she likes that Dad pays for everything. If he quit his job I’m sure that she would leave, but then he wouldn’t be able to pay the bills for himself. I wish that there were simple solutions to such complicated problems. I guess that’s the way it works. We try to figure out the secrets to living a problem free life and then we die trying. I say what’s the use in even trying when I know where it’s going to get me. I think that I should skip the journey and go straight to the destination. I think that I have just found the secret to life. Death.

January 14

Dear Diary,
I have decided to live until March first. I’m going to finish the project that I have started. It will be my first and last big accomplishment.
McKenna is going to spend the night tomorrow so that she can go to the party with me. We’re going to say that we went to my room to play a game, and I’m going to her house later to record us playing a game so that it will sound like we actually are playing a game. I’ll leave the party long enough to say “good night” to my parents. I’m sure that will be just long enough for McKenna to get Jordan.

January 15

Dear Diary,
McKenna is here now. She is talking to someone on the phone. It’s so rude how every time she comes over here all she does is talk to people on the phone. We are currently getting ready to go. She takes longer than I do because of the phone thing, so I’m already done. She’ll be at least another half hour. I am so dreading tonight.

Later,
I just got home from the party to say “goodnight” to my parents. McKenna totally made herself look like an idiot! She had one drink and pretended that she was hammered. Then when she finally decided to give up, she ran to the bathroom. She suddenly sobered up. She blamed all of her craziness to the alcohol, but no one believed her. Maybe if she hadn’t tried to come out of it so suddenly she would have been more convincing, but everyone knows that it takes time to sober up.

January 16

Dear Diary,
McKenna just left. We got back from the party at about three in the morning. She was crying. I think that I just had the best night of my life. I really don’t want to have to go to school tomorrow. I didn’t get any sleep last night, and one short night sleep is not going to be enough. I’ll have to take some soda to school to keep me awake.
Last night at the party McKenna was making a fool of herself. I know that I’ve already told you that, but I want to be more specific. She had one drink, it was a rum and coke. She screamed “Woo!” as soon as it went down her throat. Then she started slurring her words, but not like drunk people do, like babies do. Then she started going up to random guys and asking them to fuck her, but she was hanging all over them in a bad way. She was grabbing them all over, and sticking her hand down their pants. She was licking them on their necks and faces. They hated it! Then I went over to each one of them and apologized. They were all on my side about the whole thing. She should have never even gone to the party. She was dancing on tables and taking her clothes off. Not one guy liked it. They all just wanted her to leave. Everyone was glad when she locked herself in one of the bathrooms and refused to come out for four hours.
I didn’t get to talk to Jordan much, but I met a guy. His name is Adam. He asked me to go to the movies with him the weekend after next. I accepted. I’m finally going to go on my first date! I’m so excited. I’m going to go shopping next weekend to find the perfect outfit to wear.
Poetry project update. I have until Friday to write seven more poems. I have one ready though, so I only have six more actually.

“A Heart Once Broken”

A heart once broken
Can come together again
But not in the same way
The cracks are still there
And the heart is afraid to fall
The fear of being broken again
Overwhelms the soul inside

A heart once broken
Never stops bleeding
The cracks lead deep inside
Leaving the soul jaded
The door is locked shut
To slow the bleeding
Only a master locksmith
Can unlock the sealed door

A heart once broken
Is closed so tight
Only the strongest arms
Can ease it open
Carefully, not to break it
Or to deepen the cracks
The opening arms
Must be patient

A heart once broken
Takes time to open
But when it is
The cracks get smaller
The door starts to crumble
The lock softens
And transforms to a key
Finally the heart
Can see light
And can barely see
The pain in the past

January 17

Dear Diary,
I’m exhausted, and it’s only Monday. I’m not going to write much today. I’m just going to copy poem five. Only five more to go.

“Some People”

Some people tell me
That I should forget about him
Some people tell me
That I’m still young
There will be many more to come
Some people tell me
To find someone new
Some people tell me
To just move on

But if I listen to them
I won’t be following my heart
If I just move on
My heart will still be his
And if I forget about him
I will forget about myself

Because love
Resides in his eyes
His heart
Is a part of mine
His touch
Is what makes me feel
And his kiss
Is what makes me smile

If I forget about him
Because I’m still young
And there will be
Many more to come
If I find some one new
And just move on
My heart
Will never be
Whole again

Don’t worry, it wasn’t inspired by Adam. It was inspired by what I think all of the songs are trying to say.

January 18

Dear Diary,
Poem six, and seven.

“I Know”

I hear you walking
I hear you talking
When I look for you no one is there
There will never again be some one there
Because you’re gone
Gone forever
Never to return
Even though you’re gone
You’re still in my heart and

I know that you’re watching over me
And I know that you won’t return to be
The one that I can turn to
Turn to when every thing is upside down
Because I know that you’re gone

I know that I won’t see you
For the rest of my life
And I know that I’ll never
Stop missing you
Even though you’re gone the memory
Of you is still here
That can never go away

Every one here realizes that you’re gone
And everyone here misses you
Everyone here has tears of sadness
In there eyes
Because you’re gone
Everyone here wishes for a miracle
Everyone here wants you to return
Even though they know that it is impossible
If only the impossible was possible

I look all around me
And the tears of sadness have not yet dried
I look all around me and I realize
That everyone knows you’re watching over us

Because you’re gone

“ The Prisoner”

It was three a.m.
And I woke up
All choked up
Over you
I was dreaming
When the phone rang
It was you
The answer to my prayers

Eight long weeks
Missing in action
The war claimed another victim
I hoped and prayed
To speak to you again

“Please keep him safe
Please send him home
Please let him be alive”
I prayed every night

You will return to me
Damaged
But in one piece
Your heart shattered
But there

Much mending is needed
To repair the wounds
Left by the torment of war
Ten thousand stitches
Your heart may require
But I will be there
Until each one heals

The things you
Must have seen
The paralyzing fear
Of punishment
For not speaking
Must have been torture

I do not know your pain
I confess this to you
I have never been
Imprisoned in war
My heart is your
If you need it
Let my soul
Be your blanket
Everything I can give you
I gladly will

Speechless this has made you
Through light and dark
Do you still fear to speak?
Even to me?
I swear I am not the enemy

You were once fearless
Now everything scares you
The knock on the door
The breeze through the window
Shivers on your spine
From simple, harmless things
You have changed

I miss you
How you were
Saying “Hello” when I walked
Into a room
Not covering your face and turning away
I miss how you laughed
At everything
Now you don’t even laugh at all

My heart is bleeding

The first one was inspired by my grandfather. The second one was inspired by history class. We’re learning about war.

January 19

Dear Diary
I’m still exhausted from the party. It’s Wednesday now. I can’t believe that I’m still so tired. I guess that staying up all night thinking about how my first date is going to go doesn’t help. So far it has been a pretty good week. Nothing really bad has happened. Mom has been at her “friend’s” house a lot. I haven’t had any massive homework assignments except for my poetry project, which I’m almost done with. I have another poem done. It’s short but the length of some of my other poems make up for it.

“He Said”

It was a good day
Because he did say
“You are like the month of May
You make a good day
Out of everyday”

I still have two more poems to write but I have today and tomorrow to get them done. I shouldn’t have any problems finishing them. There are a few that I have started that just need to be finished. I’ll do it tomorrow.
Adam called me today. He just wanted to say “Hi” and to chat for a little while. It was fun having a guy call me. I’m sure that after our date he’ll get sick of me. I wish I knew how to be interesting.

January 20

Dear Diary,
Here’s another poem.

“It’s Not My Fault”

If I kill myself
It’s not my fault
It’s the madness all around
It’s the lack of choices
That are worth the time

If I do something stupid
It’s not my fault
It’s the fact that I can’t sleep
Despite the pills that I take
Because the voices keep me up

If my emotions change directions
It’s not my fault
It’s the lack of understanding
That I face
With each breath I take

If I seem disconnected
It’s not my fault
It’s the lack of human contact
Due to my disease
And my fury towards her

If I don’t talk at all
It’s not my fault
It’s the choking pain
Every time I speak
Of what I really feel

If I blow you off
It’s not my fault
It’s the overwhelming
Urge to cry
And not get out of bed

If I give up
It is my fault
Because I need to keep going
Despite the fact
That I want to lay down and die

And the other.

“Slain”

Everything
Is wrong
More
Is right
The confusion
Fights
In my soul
The night’s
Still crying
From the days
Mistakes

Perfection
So far
An illusion
So close
Imaginations
Run wild
With half truths

Everyone
Sees
Lies that I hate
Hiding from truth
Not my own truth

Secrets told
Blood runs cold
Inside a heart
From the start

Not intended
To cause this pain
But with the lies
My heart is slain

Finally, I’m done with my English project. I get to turn it in tomorrow with a smile on my face because I am proud of myself. I worked hard.

January 21

Dear Diary,
It’s Friday! I still have a week before my date with Adam and I’m nervous as Hell. And again it’s Friday! I can sleep in tomorrow.
My English teacher didn’t read any of the projects yet so I have no idea what she thought of mine. I really hope that I got a good grade on it. I actually put effort into it. I really hope that she has them graded by Monday. It will drive me crazy if I don’t find out soon.
There’s a party tonight. It’s a huge one that everyone in school was invited too except for me. I hate being unpopular. I’m never invited to a party unless someone wants me to keep my mouth shut about it.
McKenna is pissed at me because I won’t tell her what I’ve done with Adam. There’s nothing to tell. I don’t get why she can’t accept that I don’t do things with guys that I don’t know. She’s trying to get me to have sex with him. I think she just wants me to so that she can tell people about it and then when they come to me to confirm it they’ll know for sure because I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face. She really needs to learn that what I do with guys is none of her business, and again I haven’t done anything with Adam or anyone. She so pushy about me getting physical with guys. I hate it! I really hate it! It’s none of her business! She just wishes that I really was a slut so that people would believe her when she tells everyone that I am.
I’m going to the mall because Mom says that I need to hang out with friends more. I’m going to tell her that I met Sally there for a movie, but Sally is actually busy. And we don’t really talk in the first place. She was just my lab partner for a while in biology and I mentioned her once. With my mom if you mention someone they must be your best friend. If you don’t mention someone then you must hate that person.

January 22

Dear Diary,
Last night at the mall sucked. I was bored, but Mom gave me twenty bucks for the movie and popcorn. I bought a really cute skirt and stuffed it in my purse. I’ll wear it on my date with Adam after I leave the house. Mom doesn’t know that I’m going on a date. I told her that I’m going to see a new movie that comes out that weekend. I told her that I was going with Sally. Sally said that she’d back me up if she ever meets my mother.
I slept until one in the afternoon today. Mom woke me up because she was worried that I was dead or something. She’s so paranoid. I won’t be dead until March first. It’s good to know that she doesn’t read my diary because if she did she would send me to a mental institution. She’s the one that should go to a mental institution. She screamed at me today because when I was folding her socks, I rolled the ball too far. Then she took them out of my hand and redid it. She rolled them farther than I did.

January 23

Dear Diary,
It’s a Sunday and I don’t want tomorrow to come. I went over my poetry project again and I don’t think it is as good as I thought originally. I don’t even want to know what my grade is. School is going to suck tomorrow. I have English at the end of the day so I have the whole day to freak out over it.
McKenna came over today. She was all apologetic for things and such. She blamed her party behavior on her father leaving her when she was a baby, but that’s no excuse. She acted that way to get attention. That’s all there is too it. I wish that she would grow up and take responsibility for what she does rather than blaming everyone else.

January 24

Dear Diary,
Still no project grade. Mondays suck. My English teacher probably didn’t even start to grade the projects. I don’t even care anymore, I know that I did horrible.

January 25

Dear Diary,
I got an A plus on my poetry project. It was a good day at school today. I had a substitute in biology, and I found out that I got a good grade on my English project. McKenna skipped school today so I didn’t even have to deal with her. Math was a test today and it was really easy. Why couldn’t everyday be this good?
My date with Adam is coming up. The skirt that I bought on Friday is blue so I’m going to buy a white top. I’m going shopping with my grandma tomorrow. I’ll find something really cute while I’m there. I’m so excited! He said that he was going to take me to a movie but he didn’t say which one. It doesn’t matter which movie we see. I’m just so happy that I’m going on an actual date. I wish that I didn’t have to wait until Saturday. I really hope that my mother doesn’t find out before then. She would yell and scream at me for not wanting to tell her.

January 26

Dear Diary,
It has been a horrible day. McKenna told everyone that I slipped her drugs at Jordan’s party to make her act like an idiot. I think that they believe her. When someone asked me about it I laughed! I thought it was funny that she would say something that stupid. One of the girls in my English class said that someone was going to tell the police! I hope that McKenna comes to her senses and keeps quiet because everyone that was at that party would get in trouble. Her mother would ground her for at least a month, but knowing McKenna, she’ll tell. She’ll do anything for attention even if she gets herself in trouble. I think she likes fighting with her mother because then she can go and cry to her friends. She makes her mother out to be this monster that she’s not. All her mother ever does is work her ass off and bend over backwards for McKenna. She never picks a fight or calls McKenna names. She’s a better mother to me that my own and she doesn’t have to be. I’m not even close to McKenna so her mother certainly doesn’t have to go out of her way for me but she does. She’s really a great person, and she defiantly deserves better treatment.
I didn’t go shopping with my grandma because my mother grounded me again. Grandma said that she’d take me tomorrow. It’s Wednesday already and my date is on Saturday. I’m running out of shopping days. My mother better not stop me again. I need to get ready for this date. My social life depends on it! I’ve been an outcast all my life, this might be the only chance that I have to ever fit in.

January 27

Dear Diary,
I went shopping today and found a simple white tank top and I bought a shirt that was low cut and long sleeved to go over it. I’m going to wear just the tank top on my date but the other shirt to get out the door. I’ll wear jeans and put the skirt in my purse. I’ll change as soon as I get to the mall. Adam will never see the jeans. Thank God I’m meeting him there. If he was picking me up he would see me in my baggy jeans and ugly shirt.
Mom found out about my poetry project. The percentage grade was a ninety-nine. She called everyone that she knows to complain that I didn’t get a one hundred percent. I hate when she does that. I did well on that project. Nothing is ever good enough for her! She was talking for hours about that one percent that I didn’t get. Hours! How can someone talk for hours about something that is so small to everyone else? She hates me! My own mother hates me. Everyone hates me. I hate myself for being so easy to hate.

January 28

Dear Diary,
It’s the worst Friday ever!

January 29

Dear Diary,
It’s date night! I don’t even know where my head is today. I’ve been in heaven thinking about tonight. I spent an hour getting ready to go. I’m leaving in ten minutes! Luckily, I didn’t get into trouble with my mother today.

January 30

Dear Diary,
My date was so much fun! I arrived at the mall and walked to the bathroom to change. I ran into a problem. Where was I going to put my jeans and my top? I rented a locker and stuffed them in there, and I still managed to get to the theater on time! I can’t even remember what movie we went to see. My mind is racing through a million thoughts. I can’t concentrate on anything. I just can’t wait to find out if he’s going to ask me out on a second date. I really do wonder what he thinks about me. I hope he calls me sometime soon. I don’t think that he really likes me. He was really quiet all of last night even when we were just walking around the mall. It was really awkward. What if he was quiet because he hates me? I knew it. The date went badly. He hates me now. How can I get him to like me again? What if I never go on another date? I’m so stupid!

January 31

Dear Diary,
I wish that I didn’t have to go to school today. I want to go back to bed. I woke up an hour before my alarm went off and I couldn’t fall back asleep. I’m ready to leave and I still have forty minutes before I have to go to the bus stop. I didn’t do any of my homework over the weekend and I don’t want to do it now. I’m a failure. I’m going to get in so much trouble when my mother finds out.
I’m still worried that McKenna is going to rat everyone out for the party thing. What if I’m arrested for something that I didn’t do? I know that I’m not convincing when I try to tell the truth. I’m screwed.

Later,
School was horrible! I was called to the office to speak to the police officer that works at the school. Someone told him that I drugged McKenna. I told him that I didn’t but it’s his job not to believe me, and I have no proof that I didn’t do it. I think that McKenna should be put on a polygraph machine for everything that she ever says, but I’m the one that’s going to have to be on one. I really hope that I pass because I’ll be nervous even though I didn’t do it. I feel really bad that Jordan’s parents are going to find out about the party. He’ll be grounded for the rest of high school if he gets off easy. I think that the argument that if McKenna was telling the truth then why didn’t she go to the police sooner might work. O CRAP! The phone is ringing. I bet it’s the police calling my parents. I wish that my mother wasn’t home. I can deal with my dad. I can’t deal with my mother. I have to go now because she’s calling for me to get my ass out of my room.

Even later,
It was the police that called. I told my mother that I didn’t do it but of course she doesn’t believe me. She says that I’m grounded for a month. I can’t believe that she wouldn’t even listen to my side of the story. I’ll be in my room for the next month.

February 1

Dear Diary,
I cried myself to sleep last night and when my mother saw my puffy, red eyes, she accused me of being high. When I told her that I was crying because she wouldn’t listen to my side of the story, she screamed at me. She took all of my medications away and locked them in her drawer. Even my inhaler. She said that she’ll give me my medications when I need them, but what if I need my inhaler while I’m at school. The only reason I have an inhaler is for gym class. I hope that I do get an attack while I’m at school and I end up in the hospital. I’d get out of my room for a while and Dad would be pissed at my mother. She wants me to die. She just won’t say it. She’ll get her wish in just one more month. I think that she wants Mathew to die also. She hates both of her kids. We are nothing but a bother to her. I totally understand why Mathew joined the marines. He just wanted to get as far away from her as he could. I wish that I could get away from her. I’m only fourteen so I can’t join the armed forces. Just one more month and I’ll be gone for good. Nothing I ever do makes her happy, but the last thing that I do will.
Adam hasn’t called yet, but that doesn’t matter because I’m not allowed to use the phone for a month anyway. I don’t think that he’ll ever call again, not after that date. It’s okay though, I didn’t expect that he would ever really like me. I think that he asked me out because next to McKenna and her act I looked pretty good. He never really liked me, he just compared me to McKenna and I was the lesser of two evils. I knew that I’d never find a boyfriend. I knew it a long time ago. It’s better that I don’t have a boyfriend. I won’t have to make anyone feel guilty for my death. I know that my mother won’t feel guilty because she has no heart, but a boyfriend might blame himself a little.
I have my polygraph test tomorrow. I’m really nervous. I don’t know what my nerves might tell the police that I did. I know that I didn’t do anything, but what if the machine says that I did? I hate McKenna. I would never put someone through this. I really hope that her tendency to cry wolf comes back to bite her in the ass. If only people could see that all she ever does is lie and exaggerate things. She would have no friends and people wouldn’t hate me.
Mathew called today. Mother actually let me talk to him. When she handed me the phone I almost went into shock. He said that he missed me. I really miss him too. He was my only ally against our mother. Lately, it’s been like I don’t even have a brother. He’s been really busy with the marines. It was a nice surprise to talk to him.

February 2

Dear Diary,
The polygraph test was awful. I was attached to more wires that I could count, and I heard the machine making a lot of noise. I think that the noise is a bad thing. I think that I failed. I’m going to be arrested I just know it. When I asked what the results were, I was told that they had to be analyzed first. I’m so scared.

February 3

Dear Diary,
Everything sucked today. I’m so glad that it’s Thursday and there’s only one day left of the school week. I still don’t know what the results to the polygraph test are. Mom has been screaming at me all day for drugging McKenna. I didn’t do it! Why doesn’t anyone believe me? I can’t take it anymore. I refuse to wait until March first. Today is the day. Once my parents go to bed I’m going to sneak into the bathroom and swallow as many pills as I can before I pass out and die. I will not be punished any longer for a crime that I did not commit. Pills! That is the answer to my problems. Pills! It’s that simple. Tonight! I will not wake up in the morning. I wonder if I should write a suicide note or something. I should write one to my mother and tell her that it is my last gift to her.

Mom,
The reason that I have killed myself is for you. I know that you hate me. You would never kill me because you would go to jail if you did so I have done it for you. I chose pills so that it wouldn’t be painful. You’ll have to buy all new bottles of painkillers to have around the house but I’m sure that’s a small price to pay to be rid of me.
Think about it, you can leave Dad now. The biggest part of your divorce would have been me, and now I’m gone. You can be with all of your boyfriends now. I would have listed them by name in this letter but I don’t know how many there are. I know that there’s a Bob and a Dave, but the others I don’t know.
Think about it, you won’t have anyone yelling at you for giving out your address to people that you meet on the internet. I was always afraid that one of these people would come to the house and hurt me, but now, I can keep my mouth shut about it. You won’t be bothered by the chair that I place by my door every night to keep the bad people out, because it won’t be there.
Think about it, you don’t have to cook and clean anymore to make yourself look good. I’m gone now so you don’t have to appear to be a good mother because Mathew is in the marines. No one will see how you treat him, and I’m gone so no one will judge you on how you treat me.
It’s better this way. I know this for sure. You can finally find the happiness that you complain that you don’t have. I am no longer in your way. You can save your breath. There’s no one to scold daily anymore.
Tell people that I killed myself because of the thing with McKenna and my unpopularity at school. I have told you the real reasons, but I don’t want anyone else to know.

Remember always,
Caroline Michelle Ross

It is almost time. I can hear my mother getting ready for bed. I’m getting really excited. All I can think about is the people that I’ll meet on my journey after life. I wonder what or who I’ll come back as. I really hope that it is someone or something with a better life than me. Maybe I’ll be a house cat and have people to take care of me and love me. Maybe I’ll be a tiger and live in the jungle. Maybe I’ll even come back as a celebrity and I’ll be famous. I hope that I come back as just a regular person who has good luck. I’d really love to have the chance to live happily as a human being.
She is going to her room now. I’ll give it an hour for her to fall asleep and then I’ll make my move. I really hope that McKenna feels sorry for turning me into the police for something that I didn’t do. I still can’t believe that she lied to the police. She’s so desperate for attention that she would lie to the police. Crime is her choice of an attention getter. I should write her a letter too. Tell her what I really think of her. She’ll get lots of attention for it I’m sure. A dead girl bad mouthing her. She’d love it.

McKenna,
You are part of the reason that I have killed myself. I can’t believe that you would lie to the police and get me into serious trouble just so you could get a little attention. What kind of person does that?
I know that it’s depressing to not have a father, but that doesn’t mean that you should turn yourself into a slut. You know exactly what I’m talking about when I use that word. You sleep with every guy that knocks on your door and you regret it every time. You come crying to me every time a guy that you slept with doesn’t call you. You knew before you took your clothes off that he wasn’t interested in you for anything other than getting laid. You just wanted to feel like you were loved for a few minutes so you compromised your body. If you continue the path that you are currently on, you will end up either pregnant or with an STD. You crave love and attention, but you are looking in the wrong place. The love that you crave can come from yourself. You hate yourself deep down. This is why you don’t think things all the way through before you do them. This is also why all of your friends hate being around you.
You should really treat your mother with more respect than you currently do. She loves you. The fights that you claim she starts are really started by you. You know why you do it. You’re pushing her away because you don’t feel as if you are loveable. She will never stop loving you despite your effort to make her. She gives you the kind of love that you wish your father would, but you won’t allow it to be good enough. You fill the void where your father should be with anger towards yourself so you take it out on others.
The key to your happiness lies within your own heart. You chose to hate yourself to make others pity you. You are looking for the wrong kind of love. You look for pity, a form of love that you create with lies. You should be looking for self acceptance. If you truly loved yourself deep down. You would be happy.

Remember always,
Caroline Michelle Ross

February 4

Dear Diary,
I failed. I took too many pills and I threw them all up. I stayed home from school today because I told my mother that it was the flu. The letters never left my side. I’ll leave them here with you. No one will ever know that I attempted suicide last night.
It was exhausting. I just kept trying to throw up even long after my stomach was empty. I can barely talk today because the stomach acid burned the inside of my throat. I keep sucking on ice cubes to try to calm the burn but it doesn’t work. I’ve taken antacids but nothing works. It feels like there’s a fire in my throat. All I want to do is sleep, but I’ve already slept for hours. It’s almost time that I’d be coming home from school.
A deep breath is the only relief that I have from this pain that I’m in. my entire body hurts from the thrusting of my stomach last night. It feels as though I have been cut open on the inside. I can’t see the scars but they are deep and severe. My intestines are a woven mess. My stomach has been turned inside out. Every muscle in my body is twisted into a knot. Next time I attempt suicide I will chose another way to do it.

Later,
I slept for another two hours. I still feel sluggish. I finally kept food down. It was just a piece of toast, but it’s better than nothing. I’ve never felt so sick.
I will wait until my original date before I attempt suicide again. March first is looking to be the best day of my life. I haven’t decided how I’m going to do it yet. I’ll let you know when I do.
I will go to school Monday. I need to face McKenna. I’m going to tell her what I think of her for lying to the police. I hope that I still feel like I’m going to throw up by then. When she starts to fight back, I’ll throw up on her. She deserves it.

February 5

Dear Diary,
Good news first. I passed the polygraph test. The officer said that the next step was to give a test to McKenna. I know she’ll fail. I’m off the hook. I just hope that my mother believes it. I’m sure she’ll still blame me for it.
More good news. I’m feeling better.
Bad news. Adam finally called. My mother wasn’t home so I got to talk to him. He doesn’t want to see me again. I’m not surprised. I knew that he wouldn’t want to go out with me again, but I’m glad he called to let me know for sure.
My mother brought her friend Dennis over today. She met him on the internet. He’s moving to the state. About two hours from here. She says that he’s just a friend, but I do not believe it. I’m not stupid. They drove for three hours to go to a carnival, and she came home with an arm full of stuffed animals that he won for her. That sounds like a date to me. She was smiley and giggly when she came home. She’s only like that after she has snuck around with one of her boyfriends.
There’s a party tonight that I wasn’t invited to. I’m grounded anyway. Most kids look forward to Saturday night. I dread Saturday night most weeks. My mother always asks me why I don’t go out with my friends. She wants to get me out of the house so she can call her boyfriends and bring them over without me refusing to believe that they are just friends. Why can’t she just leave the house and stop complaining?

February 6

Dear Diary,
Kyle came over today. He was worried when I didn’t show up to school on Friday, and he’s seen me crying a lot lately. He waited until mother left to come. He knew that she grounded me, and that she was the only one that would have a problem with him stopping by. He stayed for about five minutes. The contact with another person was nice because I’ve been stuck in my room all day for three days with no one but my mother to talk to. When she tried to talk I told her that my throat hurt and I couldn’t speak. I need to be more careful about Kyle seeing me cry. He doesn’t need to bother himself with my problems.
My mother said that I can be off grounding this week because of the results from the polygraph. I know that it was Dad’s idea. She wants me to suffer, but she doesn’t want it to look like she does. I wish that she would move out. She told me that she’ll leave in July but that’s not near soon enough. I really hate that she won’t leave sooner.

February 7

Dear Diary,
Usually, I would say that I hate the first day back after a weekend. It was a good day for a Monday. McKenna’s lies caught up to her. When word of my test results got out, everyone was mad at her. It was awesome! Usually people are mad at me for the things that she tells them that I say and do so it was nice to see it turned around the other day.
Still no boyfriend. It’s almost Valentine’s day and I’m left with no valentine. It’s okay though, I never expected that I’d have a boyfriend.
My mother has been out all day with Dennis. I wish she would just move in with him already! She screamed at me today because when I served dinner, I put too much food on her plate. Last week she yelled at me for not putting enough food on her plate. It was the same amount of food. She expects me to know how hungry she is. I can’t believe that she actually expects someone to predict the exact amount of food she’s going to eat. She really screamed at me for it too. She screamed like any other parent would if they found out that their kid was doing drugs.
Kyle said “Hi” to me in the hall today. Usually he ignores that I exist. He must pity me for the way my mother treats me. I don’t want his pity.
I can’t wait until it is March first. I have decided that I’m going to hang myself. Out the window, with a belt. Kyle will probably be the first to see me. That’s what he gets for pitying me.

February 8

Dear Diary,
I hate my body. I need to lose weight and fast. I put my jeans on this morning and they did not fin. I ate an apple for breakfast and that’s all I’ve had today. I said that I had a big lunch to get out of eating dinner. This is day one of my new diet. I want to look skinny in my casket. Dad has been pushing me to eat all night so tomorrow I’ll skip breakfast and lunch so that I can eat a little for dinner.
Kyle tried to talk to me today. I ran into him in the hall and he started to say something. He shut up as soon as one of his friends showed up. I don’t understand why he cares what other people think. I talk to whoever I want regardless of their popularity.

February 9

Dear Diary,
I haven’t eaten anything today. Dad and my mother went out for dinner tonight so I was left to get dinner for myself. I told them that I made a sandwich, which I did. I put it down the garbage disposal rather than eating it. There are way too many carbs in the bread. I’m proud of myself. Food is so tempting, but I’ve kept myself away from it all day despite the fact that my body has been craving it. It’s mind over body. I’m learning to control my body’s needs with will power. If everyone else would just accept that I have the will power to not eat and they just don’t, maybe they’d stop bugging me about food.
School was interesting today. We’re doing line dancing in gym class, and today this guy who I barely know, Justin, asked me to skip class with him to go smoke pot. I didn’t go because I didn’t want to get in trouble, and I don’t smoke pot. Justin didn’t seem to be surprised when I told him that I don’t smoke. Maybe I’m seen as a goody goody. Maybe that’s why I’m never invited to the big parties. Maybe that’s why I’m so unpopular. There are a lot of popular kids who smoke pot, maybe that’s what they all have in common. I wonder if they’d accept me if I started smoking pot. I don’t really want to do it, but if it would make me popular, I’d give it a try.
There’s a new girl at school. Today was her fist day. She had dyed black hair and she was wearing spiked heels, a short skirt, and a lot of dark make- up. She was surrounded by guys in lunch. I’m going to the mall with her on Friday. She doesn’t really know anyone else so a mall day with anyone was cool with her. I hope that she’s surrounded by guys at the

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