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Poetry / Nothing (Analysis)
Your hair is like the sunshine,
My hair is more like the night.
Your eyes hold a universe beneath them,
But mine can hardly contain the world.
Your smile reminds me of the idyllic warmth of spring,
While Mine only reminds me of the blistering cold of winter.
Your voice is as soft as an angel’s,
My voice is as rough as a demon’s.
Your hands are delicate, soft, and pure,
My hands are tough, calloused, and bruised.
But in spite of all this, I ask You,
What would the victorious rays of sunshine be without the turmoil of nightfall?
What would the universe be without the worlds contained within it?
What would the purity of angels be worth, without the impurity of demons?
What majestic hope would Spring provide, if not for the crushing despair of Winter?
What would My tough, calloused, bruised hand mean to me,
If Your delicate, soft, pure hand had not touched it?
Nothing.
This is why I am prepared to brave the night to reach that ray of sunshine.
Why I am willing to venture beyond my own world, and discover a new universe.
Why I am determined to repent for my sins, so this sorrowful demon can become an angel.
Why I am ready for the cold cruelty of Winter to pass once and for all,
With Your perfect hands in My imperfect hands,
And watch together as we usher in an age of Spring that will last forever.
Because now I know that as long as I can keep My hand in Yours,
As long as I can stare into Your eyes,
Brush my hand through your hair, and watch you smile, then maybe
My life might mean something after all.
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hpudding1 reviewed Version 1 -
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fyriefae reviewed Version 1 -
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Good piece. The imagery is very vivid and you keep those images constant thoughout the entire piece. To many poems bring an image in and don’t fully utilize it. There are some minor wording things that would make the rhytm better. In poetry after all, less is more. In line 2 try “mine, like the night” Also see if you like the poem better getting rid of the but in lines 4 & 11 and the while in line 6. I think that would improve the the overall flow. Overall this is a great piece. It reminds me of the story of Persephone (Greek Mythology) It would be a great image to include in the piece.
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chasingdreams1 reviewed Version 1 -
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The poem made me smile, I like the part that says nothing- no words besides nothing. It gave the word more meaning to me. Which made the poem better in my opinion, as if it gave it more depth. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say!
CourtshipLives reviewed Version 1 -
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i really like this. i think stuff like this all the time, but often its hard to translate my thoughts to words as well as u have here. i like the three devices u use: contrasting u and her, the vanilla sky thing about how without the sour the sweet wouldnt be, and all the obstacles ur willing to face just to be with her. they all work really great together. theres no real story, but i guess there doesnt need to be since youre just professing your love and devotion to her. overall, sweet poem. really romantic. if i were this girl, i’d cum. everywhere. everywhere. EVERYWHERE!!!
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