oh! i see wat u mean. did u assume the junkyard was the library? sorry i’ll change that. i meant to show his innate curiosity and desire to find the truth. thanks i wouldnt have noticed that :)
Short Story / The Secret in the Old Library (working title) (Analysis)
The old library was something of a mystery to the kids that lived around it. We all heard the stories, about how it used to be the biggest library in the entire city, holding books of all kinds; it even contained some scrolls written by the Ancient Egyptians. People came from all over the world to see their works of art, the pride of Scalës. Then the city woke up one morning, and the library was gone.
Debris from the roofs, walls, and windows were everywhere; not a thing was left in place. The walls were torn and frayed, the second and third floors seemed to have crushed each other, and the grand Statue of Unknown Origin was missing. What used to be a kingdom was now reduced to nothing. But above all this, a bigger mystery had surrounded the incident. Where did all the books go?
Searches were organized, the brave dared to search the vast rubble, even rewards were offered by the city for anyone who found a single book within the ruins. But no one ever found a thing. The city eventually moved on, like adults usually do, quickly giving up after not a single question had been answered. It became one of those inexplicable stories that appear on all the paranormal shows that you don’t watch.
But we knew better. Everyone passed us off as kids with our childish sense of adventure, but we knew very well that there was something behind all this, and if no one else was going to figure it out, we would. John Libro, the owner of the library, was a man of noteworthy dedication and an iron will. The fact that he hadn’t been seen since the incident as well sparked a lot more questions. Had he been killed? Kidnapped? Did he destroy the library himself? If so, how did he do it? Why?
That's when we all decided. Brian, Leo, Lucille and I were all going in to explore the remains of the forgotten building. But first I needed to break out of my house. “What are you doing?” I whip my head around to see my mom peeping through my room door, looking intensely at me. Her brown hair tamed into a pony tail and her skeptical eyes told me she was in the middle of her meticulous housekeeping and was tired of having to check up on me every few minutes. “Nothing,” I replied. I quickly got up from my bed and hugged her. “But I love you soooo much!” She pried me off of her and smirked. “Nice try Connor, but you’re not getting off your grounding for another week.”
“Oh, come on! I know you’re annoyed with checking on me! Just let me go outside for a while. ”
“As true as that is, you’re grounded. And if you’re so bored in here, maybe you should’ve thought of that before you went exploring in the junkyard with your friends.”
“We were bored! How was I supposed to know that there were junkyard dogs roaming around for food?”
“You shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Those scratches will teach you your lesson, and so will another week in your room.”
She closed the door after that and I heard her turn the vacuum back on. I returned to my bed and my usual spot near the window. She’s always like this, I thought to myself as I began to pull off my bed sheets. I know it’s because she loves me and all, but it does get annoying. As I open up my window and hear a few voices in the wind, I continue to ponder. I mean, it’s not like I don’t love her, but she’s much too clingy, I think as I tighten the knots on my sheets and throw the invention out the window. I tie the other side to my bedpost and lean out the window. She’ll hate me for this, I think as I climb out the window towards open arms at the bottom. But then again, I guess I just never learn my lesson.
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fyriefae reviewed Version 1 -
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Ajax_Skreitzche reviewed Version 1 -
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Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice opening! I was wondering, it says first chapter, but then also short story. Which is the plan for this? Also, is this young adult, or just general fiction?
Really, really love this line: What used to be a kingdom was now reduced to nothing.
Good mom stuff—sounds like my mom :)
This is very short to be a judge of whether it would make a good novel. However, I can see the writing skill here (very well done!), and the strength with your characterization. I can see foreshadowing too with the young fellow and his invention skills? The scratches, etc, all well done!
This is obviously a good start for short story or young adult fiction. Watch writing over the heads of your target readership (don’t think you did, but its easy to do).
I like this! Keep going! I could find no real flaws!
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occupational_hedonist reviewed Version 1 -
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You have a nice style of writing. It flows well, but some parts it seems a bit difficult to follow, I wasn’t clear if the kids scoured the library before Connor got grounded or afterwards. This I wasn’t certain about.
The story has potential to be interesting. It feels unfinished for a short story but I see you have put it as a first chapter so if this is a novel this is a good start, as for a short story you need to expand on it.
It has potential. You need to be careful with the clarity and also with sentence length – I noticed quite a few long sentences which could be broken up into smaller sentences.
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