Thanks! There’s 12 parts to this; please feel free to check them out if you want. I’m reviewing atm.
Screenplay / Once Upon part 3 w/ recap
CUT TO: ATM DISPLAY £14101.90
TOM (V/O)
It was more relief than excitement at first. Then I had to figure out how to make this last- it was the only paycheque I’d be getting for the foreseeable future.
CUT TO:
INT. TOM’S BEDROOM- MORNING.
Tom’s mobile is ringing… and ringing. His ring tone is Explosive, by Dr. Dre. Tom’s fast asleep. You can guess he had a late one: club flyers are scattered over the duvet and floor, as are his new shirt and jeans. The bar coded labels are still in the mess on the floor. Tom awakes, confused. His bank receipt reminds him of what he did yesterday at the fair. He knows this call is from Devant.
PHONE- NUMBER WITHHELD
He JUMPS out of bed and shakes off to wake up. Takes a deep breath. Picks up the phone.
TOM
Hello?
DEVANT
Mr. Charnock! Good morning!
TOM
Mr. Devant?
DEVANT
That’s right. Mr Charnock: I need you to liase with some future associates in Manchester. They are employees of Bar Code. Are you familiar with the venue?
FLASH MONTAGE
Newspaper headlines:
“Bar in Cocaine Scandal”
“Security Investigated Again”
The accompanying photographs show hands pushed into cameras, people being roughly thrown out onto the street, blood all over the doorstep.
TOM
Bar Code, yeah. Jesus, yeah I’ve heard of it. I know where it is; I’ve never managed to get in.
DEVANT
I’m sure you’ll have no problems on the door from now on. And don’t worry, you won’t be doing bar work. You’ve got enough of that on your CV. The gentlemen in question live in the Royal Apartments on the edge of Manchester Centre. Would you be happy to share accommodation with them?
TOM (expecting a hefty rent bill)
How much is that?
DEVANT
The accommodation would be free of charge.
TOM
I can afford that, yeah!
EXT. BAR CODE- DAY
Tom steps in, wearing a new and well-cut black suit. He catches his reflection in the glass door and smiles.
INT. BAR CODE- DAY
A few well-dressed people in their early 30’s are lunching while escaping the summer heat. The bar is well designed, smart, with a piano cordoned off for use at night.
CALLUM, A sixteen-year-old boy in a wool jumper and pumps- obviously dressed by his mum- is talking to the bartender. A forty-year-old man is propping up the bar, watching the whole conversation.
CALLUM
He said you’ve got an oversized ego. He said the work you do is fine-
BARTENDER
Shh.
Tom picks up a business card left on the bar top- “Yan-Yan Leung”.
CALLUM
-And if you stop making DVDs he said it would be a problem but not a big problem.
BARTENDER rolls his eyes in embarrassment.
BARTENDER
You’re only sixteen, you little gimp. You shouldn’t even be in here.
CALLUM
But if you carry on talking about it Devant will-
BARTENDER
He’ll what.
TOM looks up, recognising the name. BARTENDER discreetly nods to someone out of frame.
CALLUM
If you carry on you’re dead.
Lame threat. BAM! A DOORMAN runs right into CALLUM like a freight train, taking him out of frame.
TOM props up the bar. A longhaired Welsh barman comes over.
WELSHMAN
What can I get you mate?
TOM
Are you Dave?
WELSHMAN
No, I’m Tony. He’s Dave.
TONY points to the Barman next to him.
DAVE, well built and handsome, flairs a cocktail for a beautiful woman. He doesn’t take his eyes off the drink.
DAVE
I’m Dave, hold on…
DAVE, 23, slams some money into the till and looks up.
TOM
I’m Tom, I was asked to come here by Mr. P-
DAVE (Cutting Tom off)
Oh you’re Tom. Good to meet you.
Abrupt handshake.
DAVE
We’re clocking off in a bit; we’ll sort you out. Been working since midnight.
TOM
Thought you shut at two.
DAVE
Here, we do.
A MANAGER in a suit walks over.
MANAGER
Guys, there’s people waiting to be served-
DAVE (Interrupting)
Yeah, fuck off.
MANAGER apparently thinks this is a joke. He smiles and walks off. DAVE gives him a dirty look.
TOM looks stunned. Points over shoulder.
TOM
You can get away with that?
DAVE
We get away with allsorts. Yeah, we’ve been waiting for you to come in. We’ve got a present for you.
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Ame reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
I like the descriptive details of what would be included in Tom’s room; very studenty, very believable!
The banter is good also, and I like how the characters are slowly revelead. It’s like when you meet someone for the first time and you have a very small first impression of them, such as what they look like and how this would reflect thier personality.
I would love to know where this is going!
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LePipette reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
Curious! Interesting start, nice introduction of the characters. I think there could be a little more emphasis on different diction styles, but I don’t know the characters well enough to really discern. Interesting concept, and at the very least, caught my attention!
Any secret is only good once it’s found out.
And this opening scene since full of ones about to pop.
spiritualdeciple reviewed Version 3 -
Read 25% of the Item
I like this part to please tell me more about this piece of work.
Tazinko reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
Ahh and so I finally get to see the meeting between these three characters and having read later parts already I can see a little foreshadowing in their character developments to come later.
Again you have a knack for ending at the right time and also a knack for painting a picture that seems common enough and not too extraordinary. The thing I’d like to note on here is your use of newspaper clippings and headlines, I like the concept. You dialouge flows nicely and it’s an easily read screenplay.
However I must note that having read those other parts first I cannot comment objectively on these previous parts because I see what’s going to happen developing, instead of trying to develop what’s going to happen.
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Version 3
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