Poetry / Song of Songs

Yep, a previous reviewer found the missing “of”, I just have yet to upload the edited version. And thank you :D

Thank you for finding that. As for the storm imagery, storms are not a negative thing for me, and that electrical feeling you get before a big one was the closest analogy I could make to the feeling I describe. This connects to the “turning to water” and subsequent desert imagery: storms in a dry land (or dry circumstances) are a boon, which is the meaning I had in mind.

You ask can one yearn for a shadow – absolutely, this is the crux of the poem. :)

I really appreciate your thoughts. I know the poem is complex and won’t lend itself well to everyone, but that doesn’t bother me. People who know this type of nameless love will understand. Do you have any other suggestions on honing the imagery?

Here are a few more comments, though they’re, again, more grammatical.  I have a hard time changing too much of the original as I do like it.  It’s hard to pour yourself into a poem, to feel that strong emotion, without somehow being defensive about it.  I think I’ll leave you these few comments and ponder some more.

“the charge of your presence I feel in empty rooms,” The wind is charged with your presence, in empty rooms.

“Breathe it into now,” or breath it in now?

Thank you very much :D

I appreciate that. Actually I’m submitting this to a literary journal at my university once I make a few improvements, thanks to the feedback from you wonderful reviewers!