thanks. . . so why was it worth only a 6 pt. rating. :)
Short Story / A snippet of an upcoming story
I ran it straight into her. Her neck stretched and her head fell back. I wrapped my hands around her veiny neck and watched her eyes roll back. She told me she liked this but she was squealing and flinching. The muscles in her vagina had begun to tighten and I was losing my erection. I took my hands off of her throat and she smiled and bit her lip. My erection only half hard. Sweat suffused my hands as I gripped her breasts. I felt nothing. The only thoughts to keep me pushing into her was the Iranian whore I fucked last week. She came over the shelter to plea with the soldier to leave the country and let them in peace. She had a long mane that covered most of her burnt face. But her eyes had remained intact.
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VoidSucker reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Even though it’s short, it has a few mistakes:
‘I took my hands off of her throat and she smiled and bit her lip’
It would be better to say: ‘I removed my hands from her throat’
Also, this sentence has 3 actions (hands/smile/lip) and sentences with 3 actions are harded to visualise and tend to sound a bit clumsy.
Also:
My erection only half hard.
No verb!
If this is going to be a comic piece you could keep the reader in suspense about the erection!
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March 03, 2006
Deleted User
Review of Version 1 -
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This is a tremendously interesting look into a different cultural setting, and more than just two people making love—however the description of the sexual episode is very evocative. I looked at this short passage as being a look into the life of this solider and the war he is fighting. I pictured a solider living a disheartening life and to fulfill his only pleasures he engages in sex with these different prostitutes. However, now he is coming to realize that maybe sex is coming to be a meaningless task… The writing is enjoyable.
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