paces at the bus stop.
his shoes are torn, ragged things,
gnawed by the asphalt
where he finds filthy
cigarette butts
and lights them with
a box of matches
from some cheap motel
and as he takes a drag
he laughs,
tight-lipped,
and murmurs non-sequiturs
to himself
the buses slow down
and see him smiling
(how dare he,
that Negro bum?)
they slam the door shut
on the Dangerous Man
yet the Dangerous Man
lives better, happier,
full of hope that
one day,
a bus will give him
a free ride to
Nowhere
but
not today.
they slam the door shut
one by one,
denying the Dangerous Man,
a haze of rejection
sliding in and out of his life.
well,
that’s what he gets
for laughing.
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A good eye for small detail—-his shoes the torn, raggedy things, the matchbook from the cheap motel.
“non-sequiturs”...I’ll confess I don’t know exactly what a non-sequitur is. The bum would probably have never heard that word himself but its inclusion gives an errant sense that he’d have self-awarness of “muttering non-sequiturs.” Did you consider just losing it altogther and simply let the lines read:
and murmurs
to himself
A bus would never give anyone a “free ride” let alone such a person as this. Why would he have such an expectation? Did you consider simply:
A bus will give him
a ride
to nowhere
Though I agree with others who were distracted by the Negro reference,I love the thought “How DARE he?” I understand what you’re trying to convey here.
Whether or not you leave it in, the word “negro” is rarely used in the USA. Nowadays, it’s either “Black” or “Nigger” (please pardon the use of N-word, but that’s the way it is).
this was really good. I like the way you explained exactly the way the man was and how “he was pacing at the bus stop” and the way you made a picture in my head of what was going on in the poem and what was happening as well… That was a touching moment when
I read the poem!!!!
keke
Fantastic. I love the imagery of his shoes, the filthy cigarette butts and a cheap box of matches. A brilliant comparision as the bus is general population who shuns the homeless “dangerous” man, who in reality has no urge to hurt or kill. And also good, and humorous reference to the happy homeless man as “dangerous”. A good piece.
And the only active ingredient in my DXM related things is DXM, I know whats up with all that. Also CCC’s are on my do not touch list.
I thought this was a well-written and overall sharp poem. You did well in making this a visual poem, which, in my book, makes it a great one. I do have some critical points to make, though.
First, in the second line of the first stanza, I would get rid of the word “his”, as I feel it weakens the line. I tried reading instead “shoes are torn, ragged things” and thought it packed a little more emphasis to the shoes. It just seems to fit better, as you didn’t begin with “He paces…”
I would also scrap the word “cheap” in the last line of this stanza. It feels superfluous, as most motels these days are considered cheap.
In the last full stanza, I would take out the word “but” from the first line for the same reason as the earlier “his”. The “but” telegraphs the punch of “not today” , preparing the reader for it instead of just delivering. Remember that, in poetry, every word has to serve its purpose.
Finally, I would get rid of the ending “well, that’s what he gets for laughing.” This does not fit with this poem. It almost reads like a moral at the end of a fable and lightens the mood entirely too much. I think it is sufficient to end with the last full stanza and let the audience put the pieces together. It is fairly obvious that the bus drivers saw him as dangerous because he was homeless and laughing, seeming to be insane.
Otherwise, as I said before, I really liked this poem. Because I felt the changes I recommended were relatively minor, I think you deserve the 9 I scored this poem.
This piece seems to be well thought out and the scene is focused. There is little that is irrelevant.
I like the simple description and the slightly broken rhythm of the first stanza.
I’m not sure if this line makes clear sense though:
they slam the door shut
one by one
The door would only be slammed shut once on the bus, when all the passengers are aboard, wouldn’t it?
If this is lots of buses, that is not clear. Besides, I think one bus keeps the scene immediate.
I think this is ,overall, a tight and well constructed piece.
The “punchline” left me with a wry smile and a little reflection on how we treat other people. I thought it was clever and simple.
Pretty good piece, in my book.
Keep laughing
This is great stuff, for a young writer.
It is well written and shows some keen, if a little cliche’d, observation of human nature.
Keep up the good work.
From the first few lines the description is so vivid and gritty i feel myself drawn in. Towards the end, where he is called the Dangerous Man, I begin to wonder why you refer to him as such. I’m not sure if thats a description from the persepective of the writer, or of the bus drivers, or if, maybe it is meant as sarcasm. Maybe just a little more of a hint as to why or at least who is calling him a Dangerous Man would clarify the end of this poem and add more of a resolve.
Wow, you actually used the word non-sequiturs in a sentence. Very nice. The big problem with doing that is this, however: Most people do not actually know what a non sequitur is. Mumbling illogically to himself might have been a better word use. Or murmurs incoherantly.
The poem itself speaks true to the model society has taken when it comes to those among us who are both homeless, and not of European ancestry.
I liked the element added by using an ever hopeful, though ever scorned bum. You’ve made the poem thusly seem a bit more whimsical, while still proving a very distinct point.
Nice, I say.
Your beginning has some good power and imagery. You set scene and character well, although you could go even a little farther and offer me a glimpse of his clothes, or his hair, or invoke scent. I can almost see him from your first two stanzas. I can almost feel the need to stand upwind of him. Take me the rest of the way! Also, adding “He” to the beginning of your first line will strengthen it.
Having set the scene, you undercut its strength starting in the third stanza, the moment you put us into the bus driver’s head, when it’s his actions that should speak for him. We don’t need the omniscient glimpse; let his action allow us to draw our own conclusions.
Your moralizing in the fourth stanza is unnecessary and gets in the way, as you place yourself into the scene. I recommend a lighter touch, again letting us form our own impressions. Let us decide how happy he is or how well he lives from what he chooses to show us—let it come from the piece, rather than from you-in-the-piece. You can even take the opportunity to let the free bus ride do double duty as a metaphor for death (the ultimate free bus ride), adding a tragic overtone without being blatant about it.
Your ending has a good potential strength, but it doesn’t arise from the whole of the piece and so is something of a non-sequitur—it would work if you had written this piece in the first person, but as it stands you might look for something that packs more punch.
I hope you find this useful.
A valiant attempt to paint an image of a homeless man but the cliched images get in the way and the final lines are akin to a movie ending where the character wakes to an alarm clock ringing and it’s all a dream.
Spend some time with the homeless at a shelter to get a deeper understanding of those less fortunate than ourselves and you’ll find a richer pathos to portray.
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