Ashira: I wonder if you might elaborate on why you think this does not work in poetic form. What within it does not “sell”?
Poetry / The Builder
A builder labored, hard at work to fell a mighty tree.
Another wandered by and asked: What has it done to thee?
Why doest thou swing so lustily, to fill the woods with song,
And end a life that reaches high and never did thee wrong;
To bring to earth so great a thing that never did thee wrong?
The builder, he set down his axe to seek a moment’s rest,
And said: My friend, it dies indeed, but surely for the best.
For where it stood, a house will stand, and in it I will live,
What falls today will rise again, and shelter it will give.
My family will dwell within the shelter it will give.
The wanderer in wonder asked: Who has the right to take
The life that fills another for a thing that he would make?
This oak would surely not invite thine axe’s bitter sting,
But stand instead to blossom when the Winter bows to Spring.
And drink the gentle showers when the Winter bows to Spring.
No doubt, thou speakest truth, my friend, the builder did reply.
And yet, it is ordained that all that lives will someday die;
And old age swings an axe as well, but not so sharp as this,
And bent and lame are those who feel its dull and sullen kiss.
This mighty oak need never taste that dull and sullen kiss.
Quoth he: I am a builder, and a man of crafting hands,
And none deny that I have brought much beauty to these lands.
I take no pleasure in destruction, though I must destroy,
Yet when my labor ends, then thou wilt see a place of joy.
I labor that my family may know a place of joy.
If it be wrong to cut this tree, than wrong it is as well
For me to have the need to build a home where I may dwell.
But life must fall for life to grow, and falling, rise again,
So long as gods dwell not on earth, but only mortal men.
I would that we were gods, but we are only mortal men.
This tree has stood for many years through bud and bloom and leaf,
And though it fall today, yet I would have thee hold thy grief.
For though one tree may topple, many others will arise
To know the joy that comes from reaching upward to the skies;
Though anchored in the earth yet they are moved to touch the skies.
The wanderer said: Yes, I think perhaps I do agree.
Thou makest well thy case to end the life of this great tree.
Its many years of dwelling here will not be put to waste,
For though a life is ended, yet with life it is replaced.
No life is fully ended when with life it is replaced.
Then come along, my worthy friend, for I am come for thee.
Like you, I am a builder, and thou art a mighty tree,
And though it be thy time to fall, and falling, close thine eye,
My house of joy awaits thy strength, for flesh alone need die.
I build with thee a better home, for flesh alone need die.
We stand beneath the heavens and gaze upward at the light,
And some among us hate the dusk and fear the coming night,
But though the sun may seek its rest, the stars come blazing through
To show us what we cannot grasp, but ever may pursue;
To dare to find the wisdom in the truth we must pursue.
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charlee reviewed Version 1 -
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There isn’t a line of this poem I would see changed. The imagery is beautiful, the semantics are perfect. I’m unbelievably impressed. Kudos.
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midearthseeker reviewed Version 1 -
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I think it would be fit to offer the widow. It’s a beautiful piece that shows the greater meaning of his work, but the old age language makes it feel out of place to me.
Also in the first and second stanzas there are too many lines starting with the same letter. The, the, the. And, and, and. It made my eyes want to skip over and I missed alot of the meaning.
Pretty good.
Hx reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece is remarkably good, and to answer your question, I enthusiastically suggest you give it to the widow. I’m certain it will mean a lot to her.
The only other suggestion I’ll make is regarding this line:
“If it be wrong to cut this tree, than wrong it is as well”
I think (but am not sure) that you meant to say, ”...THEN wrong it is as well.”
In any case, great work. I hope it eases that family’s pain a bit.
WaywardSonRising reviewed Version 1 -
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this piece was very good,i thought. the rhymes were smooth for the most part, a little choppy at others, but with such a strict form you pulled it off quite nicely. i think this would be great to give to this man’s widow. it will show that you care, because you obviously put alt of time and effort into this piece. good job.
Ashira reviewed Version 1 -
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It is fitting but thinks would read better as a short story than a poem … the theme of why and the heart of what drove the builder touched me … would like to see it written into short story piece though
March 11, 2006
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This is really good, it has good rhythm, and you keep the 14 syllables per line… (Of course I didn’t check every line, but I was checking some as I went along and they were all 14 syllables. But it would make me not pay enough attention to the poem if I counted syllables throughout the whole thing!)
It has great use of language, and even though you have to keep within the syllables, you still manage to make it sound good, while rhyming and flowing, and keeping the same tone.
It has a really good theme, and I like how at first, the one who wandered by did not agree with the builder, but once the builder explained it, he made a good case.
I also like how you repeat the last phrase of the last two lines of each stanza. It just makes it sound good.
Nice work, I enjoyed reading it!
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