Did i mention that i love LOVE the ending? The sense of dread is ambiguous when mixed with the image of a tree and roots, which ties the whole poem together and relates perfectly to the sense of ambiguity that is sustained throughout the poem. “Seed dark� is a really fresh and innovative image as well.
Poetry / The Problem with Havens
The problem with havens
is that I will mold in lovely
sun, and come away
a new shape, a new
way of finding corners to grind.
It seems that I will never lack
for growing pains,
as bones stretch like wax,
and bend over the bleached
stones, of your mattresses,
driveways, windowsills. Sometimes
I walk where the lawn dwindles
into beach, and sand moves
like a body growing around blades.
My feet are forming pads like camel’s,
unfit for asphalt tramping.
And I know again that massive life
as unopposable as a glacier,
as inevitable, will round my
new corners. My elongated joints
will scrape away millimeters
at a time, under the prolonged creaking
of ice and stone. The problem with havens
has to do with unbearble pallor
waiting at the door, which would not
exist, were it not for this other.
The option, the expansion
engraves the mundane
with marble veins and marble weight.
The revelation of return
is a dread in the night
of my growing seed dark—
a dread of peeled bark
and gnarled, toiling roots.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
stormplay reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I enjoyed the rhyming words and tone. Flow was rough on me in this one and the overall meaning eluded me.
Perhaps it is deeper than I, at this moment, at least.
The strongest part of the poem for me was the last five lines
“The revelation of return
is a dread in the night
of my growing seed dark—
a dread of peeled bark
and gnarled, toiling roots.”
Nice imagery.
- add/view comments (0)
fvargo reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Brilliant imagery—this is what I am attempting to do (that is, create original, appropriate & good imagery) but can’t seem to do. Especially like the feet as camel pads, being molded in the sun, sand moving under the grass like a body, and the amazing last 2 lines. Very sophisticated & original theme, too. Have you read the “Martian School of Poetry”-a British kind of poetry in the late seventies & eighties (Craig Raines was one of them, perhaps the founding member) which wrote poems with amazing, bizarre & yet appropriate imagery & wild juxtapositions, as if a Martian had come down & tried to describe Earthly things. That kind of poetry is what this poem reminds me of. Great imagination & writing! Keep it up! I may not have helped you in trying to improve the poem (I wish I had written it & I would’nt change a word), but it certainly made my day!
Thank you! Keep writing!
the_girl_in_the_shadows reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I was captured by the title and I was held to this poem throughout the whole piece. I think you have done an incredible job here and you have a hell of a way with words. The words you choose to begin and end your lines, and the way you break up your sentences, are compelling and effective. The image of bones bending like wax can have so many different interpretations in the context of this poem and for me it represents the fundamental structure of the body-self being slowly altered by unavoidable changes. You sustain incredible, vivid and relevant natural imagery throughout the poem, helping to tie things together (glaciers and the implications of natural history, trees, sand, bones, sun, etc) contrasted with manmade objects (lawns, asphalt, mattresses). The poem is just abstract enough but mixed with plenty of concrete imagery, and the meaning is ambiguous but well conveyed.
The only suggestion I have is to break the poem up into stanzas—it would help to give the reader some little breaks and it would help with the organization as well. In particular the line about camel’s toes might be a good beginning to a new stanza, it is a significant change from the last line.
Congratulations on such a successful poem.
Showing 1 - 3 of 3
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
3 Reviews 1 Comment
Version 1
Latest Activity: over 2 years ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
