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Poetry / Despairing But

Sweet, I have gone away, so now
there are thousands of miles
haunting us impossibly;
and even if, god forbid, you have
forgotten me, my name, the man
who then adored you
and who now, even now
cannot get you out of his blood,
it is the all, it is fresh life
for me, that you know my feelings;
how at your side, I became remarkable,
heart-whole and invincible.

into you, on those certain Fridays in May,
I reached, into
your eyes, into your insides,
as you brought with you, on your skin,
all the frenzied scents of the city,
a billion stares, and your night’s drunkenness
in the calligraphy of your hair

while now, divided, this ocean between us
every night I rise up,
despairing but indomitable
every night I rise up
despairing but alive
in my adoration of you,
of which, being always too weak
I was too muted to say; always failed
to declare or whisper
as much as you deserved.

and although you may lay with another;
although you live and sleep a thousand nights,
forgetting, erasing, turning me into legend,
my adoration, darling I assure you, is imperishable;
lives
will go on living,
until I hear from you
or replace you with another

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Reviews

April 03, 2006

thompenn

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
42	66.7% (12 votes)	42.4%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
29	M	Amarillo, TX	July 24

thompenn reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I will break this review down into two parts

Pros

A tremendous amount of emotions.

‘all the frenzied scents of the city,
a billion stares, and your night’s drunkness
in the calligraphy of your hair’ You said an amazing about here in this stanza. I commend your use of the senses here in this stanza.

The flow of the poem was an important peice to the puzzle. Everything fits together rather well here in this peice. An excellent way to remember the ones we love. What a hard thing to forget.

Cons

‘into your insides’
This quickly turned into a horror flick. You might want to reword this sentence. If you wanted the reader to get the idea that your souls combined then tell them, but as for this sentence it freaked me out a bit.

...’replace you with another’ ... takes out the importance of the poem. There is a portrail of love that is deep… With that line it seems that if another comes along you can throw this love to the side. If you ended the poem like this:

until I hear from you…

Do you feel the strength with this abrupt ending?

If this is you… Then good luck my friend. It is truly hard to let love go… Just remember to remain strong.