ccwitkus reviewed Version 1 -
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I certainly liked this piece. I have no idea what or where Chorzowska is, but I don’t feel like I need to, and maybe like I’d prefer the sense of it from your poem to the reality.
You describe a place frozen and almost ugly in a way that is beautiful, almost like a broken fairytale. I also like the way you juxtapose the fantasy of a tropic setting in the middle. It’s like a shock to the reader almost, like stepping out of an air conditioned restaurant into desert heat. It creates some contrast in your poem and highlights the theme.
My favorite stanza is the second from last. There’s a sense of tragedy to it, loss and almost suffering. ”where the old lady carved the cosmos from pain and broken glass” is particularly good, and what’s interesting about those lines is that you take some imagery or language that often is overdone and cliche (broken glass especially – I know I overuse it in my fiction) and make it fresh and new.
I have very little complaint about this piece other than a little bit at the end of the first stanza and the third. The end of the first stanza seems empty, telling not showing, and a little bit of a let down after the vivid images that preceed it. As for the fhird stanza, you are saying something about this place, but I don’t feel like it adds to my understanding of what you are trying to say, and I don’t think the language is your best. You show that you obviously have the knack for teh well-written phrase and the beautifully chosen words and the lines in the third stanza are just ordinary. They stick out like an abberation in an otherwise beautifully put together poem.
Overall, enjoyed it and will look forward to reading more of your work. Let me know if you have any further questions.
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