Poetry / Compass

Was this an experiment in rhyming? If so you’ve done a good job. The rhym adds to the structure of the poem and is very organic and sounds natural, not cheezy.
I’m not quite sure of what the subject matter of the poem is, but I like the structure and cadance of how it reads.

honestly, the verse form and subject matter are not the sort of thing i usually would choose to read, but that’s just a matter of personal taste. your meter and rhyme scheme are well handled. at no point does the rhyme sound awkward or forced, and the meter flows nicely throughout the piece.
i think the poem could benefit from the addition of an endstop at the end of a few lines, just so the thoughts that are not supposed to flow together, don’t; the last line of the first two stanzas begs for a period.
i also don’t know how i feel about the image of the phoenix. it seems to be a valid illustration of rebirth in the world of the poem, but the image is also a little stale. the concept of rebirth and the symbol of the phoenix are so inextricably tied together. i would like to see you find a new way to express it. it would be a great testament to your talent as a writer if you could refresh this image.
nice work and thanks for the read.

I was very interested in the first two stanzas, then I got lost.  We wait to die, but then we may love and rise and seek stars, etc. unsure where this was going.

i really liked the management of pace in the poem.

i do think it gets shaky after the first two stanzas. the last stanza seems most problematic. it’s not a satisfying ending for me.

it’s an interesting choice of words, nobility and gentry. in the poem it seems you’re talking about character traits, but of course the two words are the names of the two top classes in the traditional social structure. the idea fits with “earth claims us all”.. but the argument is incomplete since the representation of society here is skewed toward the elite.

a couple of notes: the phoenix is often connected with christianity.

hope this was helpful!

I agree with others. I enjoyed the simple set up and rhyme-scheme, but felt some stanza’s were just filler. I really thought you had something going with the first two, how they both expressed virtue’s and examples of those virtue’s at work, but after that it seemed to drift. Overall a nice poem, but I think an excellent poem could be made if you kept the first two stanza’s and continued the theme from their.

Good rhyme.  Like beginnings of lines.  and progression.  ending is good, it show theme poem.  flow good and me likes.

Definitely the best poem I’ve come across in my short time at Ubris. Great imagery, yet not overly descriptive to the point where you don’t understand the subject matter. The poem flowed wonderfully, and I would love to hear more of your work.

Excellent Poem, amazing, I say if it doesn’t make you feel something then it’s not worth writing, and this one was written well, with lusty linguistics placed nicely, well pretty much I only got good things to say hehe, thanks for this

hmmm …

well, it rhymes nicely, but only two stanzas stick out to me, the 2nd and the 4th. They are the best ones. They mean something to me. The phoenix represents rebirth (which you presented accurately), and gentility and romance go hand-in-hand. Very nice touches.

The 3rd stanza feels like it should’ve said more, but … it doesn’t. It’s a lingering thought:

The earth awaits
to claim us all
but if we love
before we fall.............

You’d expect to find out what happens if we love before we fall.

Overall, a decent poem. Thank you for sharing :)

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March 13, 2006

by sonnetteer

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Inspired: whoops, it looks like my piece tripped over its formatting.  I intend it to be through-read, so that what happens if we love before we fall is that the phoenix burns, etc.  Does that help, or even with that is it still missing something?  Thank you for your thoughts!

March 13, 2006

by Inspired

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Yes, that does clear it up a bit actually. Maybe ditch the stanza breaks so that it all flows together?

Also, a possible change that would make it flow better (from my perspective):

The earth awaits
to claim us all.
But if we love
before we fall,
the phoenix shall burns
in passion’s glow,
to rise reborn
to live and grow.

Something like that perhaps? I don’t know. What are your thoughts?

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