Poetry / Garden

Totally solid peice.  Your choppy sentence strcture really adds to the ideas.  I am not a huge fan of words like ‘twill or ‘round but I think they work in the this particular instance.

This is a beautiful, very well written piece. I loved the smooth flow! Wonderful balance here, you asked, but answered the questions.
Very nice tempo! “Soon they saw through the self-serving lie”. And who “sought only sorrow”. I really enjoyed this read. Very creative, and well put together. Nice work!

I LOVE THIS!!! I have always wondered myself to about what really happend in that beautiful garden.  I believe this is the truth, like something right out of the Da Vinci code or something that should have been put in to it. wow is all i can say.  you have hit it right on the mark.  i loved it really.

This isn’t a very interesting retelling of Genesis and The Fall.
The rhyming is a bit forced, along with the use of archaic language.
This poem seems more like a writing exercise than and article of passion or something personal, which is something that makes poetry great.

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May 11, 2006

by sonnetteer

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
66	81.2% (32 votes)	40.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
43	M	Pittsburgh, PA	July 21

Loba: your critique offers but little of assistance.  If the piece didn’t sing to you, fine—but I’d rather have paid for a more expensive critique telling me why, rather than just getting a generalized ‘thumbs down.’  What is it about the piece that is uninteresting, and what would it take to make it more interesting?  Can you give me an example of rhyming within the piece that you consider forced, and explain why?  What language is “archaic”?  Why must poetry be personal or passionate to succeed?

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That was interesting. I really liked the idea, and the subject. I like your uses of dialogue verbs and the placement of them…that really seemed to work.

Interesting flow and language. Well done.

I like this poem, even though at the end it got a little confusing to me.  I like the message though and it is a powerful one at that. Religious poems always get to me!

very good.  You did a great job of story-telling.  Your flow was course at times and excellent at others.  I was kinda thrown off by (im sure there is a word for this) the places where you wrapped the text to the following line.  It caused my reading to pause at inappropriate times.  I can’t pick out one place in particular, it seems to have this throughout.  Otherwise, like I said, I think this is very good.  It just needs some touch up stuff.

I like the feeling of inside knowledge in this poem.  The rhythm is nice, and followed quite consistantly through the piece, and I like the variance in the rhyming scheme.  I like the allusion to e.e. cummings (may i feel said he) in the second through the fifth stanza – or maybe I’m just putting something there that really isn’t… but it would be interesting to carry it through the whole piece.

I LIKE this! the whole “what if” aspect of it. The rhymes and the chosen words are somewhat formal and it works really well. It seems a bit ironic to me as well that despite being self-aware enough to see the “paradise”they have, “He” and “She” decide to chose the unknown anyway. But,that’s human nature…. LOVE IT!

i like the rhythms in this piece. they tend almost to the sing-songy, but i actually like that. they lend levity to what could have been a plodding, philosophical piece.
in the first stanza you use the word “siblance” (great word, by the way) but i think it’s missing an “i”: “sibilance.”
i also like the fact that you take what is often used as an illustration of the weakness of woman and turn it into an equal ethical conundrum for both sexes.
nice work.