Short Story / Oneiric - Part I

Problems:

As daylight waltzed away,
[This would imply that night happened and then stopped and day stepped back and spun ‘round and ‘round and ‘round.  You don’t waltz.  Write what you know.  Don’t try to be pretty unless it’s with something you do know.  Otherwise be direct and clear.  Purple prose is often annoying]

night swung in,
[So the day is slowly fading off and simultaneously, night is snapping up an entrance, quick on a Tarzanian vine.  That doesn’t make sense]

and silence drowned out the last decibel of sound, I woke up to the sounds of my own screaming.
[Silence has caused all sound to cease.  That doesn’t make any sense because it is the lack of sound that causes silence to exist.  And, if all sound has been muffled by this silence, how can the sounds be heard by Narrator when narrator wakes?  Drowned the last decibel of sound from what?  Certainly not anything that has anything to do with narrator, and neither has the transition from day to night any significance to the story at hand which is that Narrator has woken up screaming.  What does the time matter?  Did Narrator get out of bed to make sure that the day was indeed waltzing away and night was swinging in?]

High notes of anguish.
[Yes, screaming, you said that already.  I bet you’re going to say it again just to make sure I notice, which I did the first time it was mentioned]

My dreams transformed me into a tenor of woe.
[Yes, that is clear, continue the story and stop repeating yourself]

The mirror in front of my bed reflected my weary sweat-soaked face,
[Why is Narrator’s light on?  In front of where?  At the foot, off to the side?  In front of a bed is kind of an obtuse suggestion.  Where is the front of the bed, exactly?  Why, if Narrator has been startled awake, is Narrator’s face weary?  It should be excited.  See that whole deal about the sweat soaked face looking back at Narrator?  That’s why you don’t need to tell your readers about the high notes of anguish, Narrator is not listening to him/herself intently upon awakening to scream, and thus would not notice.  And this line expresses the anguish and the woe]
[When does the moon appear to smile?]

and the smiling moon outside the window.

Full moon.
[What does that matter?]

Elsewhere in the city, religious festivals were probably underway to mark Vesak.
[No, they aren’t at all.  I know this for a fact.  There is not a single celebration going on anywhere.  I know this because silence has already drowned out the last decibel of sound all the way back in the first sentence]

Here, yours truly began another nocturnal day of looking over my shoulder, shouting at imaginary beings in my room before proceeding to have a conversation with them about the weather, the state of the nation[,] and me.
[Narrate facts and action.  Offer back story in dialog.  This is where the acquisitions editor is already licking the envelope on your rejection letter]

Why, in the “letter” is Narrator talking like the Marquis de Sade; and why, if this is another nocturnal day of talking to ghosts and whatever, has narrator checked to see if he is dreaming?  What did any of the situations leading up to the writing of the “letter” the waking and screaming and seeing the moon reflected behind Narrator, have to do with Narrator writing?  When did Narrator get out of bed walk across his or her chambered room and sit at their victorian desk and dip a quill in blood to call me “Dear reader”? Why do I care about the computer program that plays music for Narrator or what songs it plays?

Stream of consciousness and train of thought are two entirely different things.  This story is your train of thought, it is not the character’s stream of consciousness.  That stream would include actions, emotions, and ideas pertaining to the character.

I closed my eyes and woke up to the sounds of the world of medicine.
[When?  Certainly not while writing this]

probably relatives, I’ll be bonding with in the coming days
[When and how did Narrator write this?  Where?]

There are several helpful links on my bio.

“smiling moon outside the window. Full moon.”- i would picture a smiling moon being a crescent, not full.

“self-designed-self-administered-sanity” – self-designed, self-administered sanity test

your ending kinda crept up out of nowhere, i didn’t really follow the last part with the doctors.

You seem to work very hard to provide creative prose that generates imagery in the readers’ minds. I appreciate that. This is your work of art, but here are my humble suggestions:

I like this: “As daylight waltzed away, night swung in…”

The use of the word “sound” twice in the first paragraph detracts from the smooth flow of the prose.

The use of the word “moon” twice in the second paragraph detracts from the smooth flow of the prose.

The word “swinging” is used to describe the radio transition. Since “swing” is a very powerful action word, I recommend that its conjugations be used only once in a piece this short.

The protagonists struggle in differentiating dream from reality comes through very well in the end. Overall, this is a fine piece. Keep it up.

This is a very moving piece, I loved the world you created, saddening and yet hopeful. Your character is lost as we all are at times, I hope she finds her way.

Learnt this on Urbis, hope it helps, some sentence tightening.

As daylight waltzed away, night swung in, and silence drowned out the last decibel of sound, I woke up to the sounds of my own screaming. High notes of anguish

Daylight waltzed away, night swung in, silence drowned out…..sound. Waking up to the sounds of my own screaming, high notes of anguish, my dreams…..

I opened the music program and chose not to meddle with it as it went about choosing the
Opening up the music program, choosing not to meddle, it began with a soundtrack of my life.

I love the repetition of “check” at the end. Very effective. Also very well written. Don’t have too many suggestions except that I don’t think you need “like I am” at the end, it’s implied and the the overall effect is actually better without it. Overall, however, I like your word choices and your arrangements.

I started reading this piece with the “ho-hum, here we go again.” but was soon quite pleasantly surprised.  
Your style is quite intriguing.  I love the way you dealt with the meaning of colours (in relation to lives and the differing perspective on the same colour dependent of the view).  Really beautiful writing. . .
“are painted white to symbolize a fresh start for all their patients, no matter what shades they had used to paint their past. My room is painted white too; I have no use for colours. White in my room symbolizes plainness – like vast areas of void, of nothingness” – so economical and alluding to so much.  Great!

Is it a short story in the classical sense?  probably not.  But who the hell cares?  The state of mind of the character is so vivid (considering his state, that’s fairly ironic) and real.  Yet the intellect bursts through.

I felt the character’s frustration, yet concession, to his life.  A clever balance. Evocative.

Look, I’ve spent the last 3 reviews trawling through stuff that was just hard work.  This, in contrast, was pure  pleasure.  I have nothing that I can pick at – nothing.

Not only your style, but your economy is amazing.

Well done!

I enjoy the way in which you use the language. Your style is quick paced, fragmented. It leaves the mind spinning. You use slightly heavy language to describe the light-hearted, the mundane. For example, when you described your choice of music.

There is also the use of dry humor, which I feel is especially refreshing. In some parts, it is perfect (for example, at the end, where the contrast between sadness and wry humor is perfect). However, in other parts, I feel the humor detracts from the mood. I say, stick with your style (I enjoy it very much) but learn when and where to tweak some things up and tone some things down.

All in all, good work.

A quite well written piece, I liked the bit about McCartney very much, it adds a comic sensibility to a story that otherwise might think to foresake humor.  The one thing I had trouble with, though, was the openeing paragraph.  I think it tries too hard for that musical allusion and needs either a good trim, or some extra, non-music minded wording as padding.  The way it stands now is far too obvious, especially for an opening paragraph.  

The story overall is very interesting, rather a stream of concious ramble with direction, though, which is good and not at all a knock.  However, I would suggest perhaps formatting the piece differently—it looks very jarring as it stands now, all these very long and narrow paragraphs with white space above and below.  Perhaps this is just a matter of taste and if so, by all means honor your own tastes above mine, I just speak as a lowly reader.

Overall, I think this a successful piece in that it accomplishes what it set out to.  I would really like to see it fleshed out into a longer piece perhaps, I feel like there is enough going on here and existing in a concrete voice to sustain a longer piece.  What say you to that?

Best of luck!

I found this stimulating. Your vocab is good, and imagery is rich. The narrative is fluid and does feel like those odd streams of consciousness we all have experienced from time to time. From the end I take that this character is in a coma or some other similar condition and the narrative is his conscious mind trying to retain a symbolence of life. Very interesting. Want to read more.