Thankyou monchingarat for the review, sorry to hear about your personal experience, oh so common these days unfortunately. As for being published, i am working on that side of things at the moment :)
Hugz
Katie :)
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Poetry / ~ The Innocent ~ (Analysis)
They’re playing in the playgrounds
They’re going to school everyday
Taking in their surroundings
Learning what life’s about
What this world has to offer them
Their smiles are priceless
Their laughter is effortless
Their souls are pure
They’re Gods angels
They’re our children
They’re sleeping peacefully in the arms of love
Dreaming of pixies and fairies in fairytale land
They are woken with the sounds of shouting
Hearing their mummy and daddy arguing
They are sad and confused
They don’t understand
Their souls are crying
They’re Gods angels
They’re our children
They have been held captive for ransom
They have been victimised by selfish men’s sexual needs
They have been beaten and bruised for just not picking up their toys
Some even change their minds and go home to heaven way to soon
Their souls are scared
They’re Gods angels
They’re our children
They look at a rainbow and wonder
How it stays up in the sky
Who painted it?
It must be magic
They lye on the grass
Watching the clouds
Float around and turn into different shapes and pictures
They see the birds soaring through the wind
Then try to look behind them
They wonder where their wings are
Their wings are there
Just invisible to the human eye
They’re free souls
They’re Gods angels
They’re our children
They are being tortured in their homelands
Starving for food and water
Being blown up to prove a point
Being shot at cause they were in the way
Being injured from someone who thought
They had the right to drink then drive
They are pure
They are crying
They are scared
They are free
They are Gods angels and our children
But they are the innocent…
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anatomyofamuse reviewed Version 1 -
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this part of your piece : They’re Gods angels
“They’re our children
They’re sleeping peacefully in the arms of love
They’re free souls
They’re Gods angels
They’re our children”
should echo the rest, stating they are. it flows much better. Just a suggestion.
Also, this line: “They lye on the grass”
I wasnt sure if it was meant to be an incorrect spelling of lay?
All in all a very beautiful piece. I do feel like the ending did not have as much kick as the rest of the piece. Hope this was helpful, keep up the good work. :)
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plecogeek reviewed Version 1 -
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thekongquest reviewed Version 1 -
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kem reviewed Version 1 -
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Pick your market carefully, because this poem is ready to be published. Just pick the right home for it. Kem
napalm reviewed Version 1 -
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Seemed more like prose than poetry. Didn’t have any rhythm. No rhyme. No metaphor. No consistency except for the two lines ‘gods angels… our children’. Decent writing. Just not very poetic.
dreamwritter reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a really good piece of work. I really like it. It is easy to follow and light while carrying a heavy message. It is like there is a personal experiance in here that makes you be able to identify with it. It is like you are there and you are in it. The best I have seen in a while.
katana reviewed Version 1 -
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this works best as political poetry, even despite/ in addition to the obvious religious/ spiritual overtones. the last line is a bit beating-you-over-the-head and i think this would work best without it.
monchingarat reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh my goodness , you are like me! Not because you are a poet , but your emotional length. I love your perspective. I was once almost grabbed in a bathroom when i was younger , and it almost ripped my heart out on the third verse thing. It was almost the same as what was flashing threw my brain at the time…I like how you don’t try so hard to rhythm , it was very god. Thanks for sharing it with he world! I look forward to reading from you in some poetry books!
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