Poetry / verde verde verde

i like the cultural aspect of this poem.  it’s cool. good structure and form.  flows nicely.  8

nice ending!

Thanks for your reviews of my work.  ;}  I really enjoy your pieces as well and I hope you keep uploading.

This piece gives me a strong tactile feeling; I picture a very physical speaker and can imagine the speaker moving as s/he talks.  I love the subtle internal rhyme of the long a’s in anticipation, invitation, faces, rain, snake.  I wonder why you chose to use lower-case i’s—or perhaps there is no significance within this poem, maybe just a personal preference?  At any rate, I love the immediacy of this piece.  I find myself reading it over and over again as I write this.

Like most good poetry read, I find it hard to say what exactly was ‘good’!

All these disparate images work quite well together somehow. I like the fact (or thought) that it was your nose that was tickled. An odd reference but I can remember watching ‘Nightmares on Wax’ at Glastonbury festival and feeling exactly that feeling. Like Basil Brush laughing backwards.

green is beautiful in the scheme of things but why were the faces green?

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August 23, 2006

by Mrbeer

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
218	70.0% (40 votes)	23.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
26	M	Plymouth, MI	October 27

in japanese, beauty can be described as ‘purity’ in some instances…  i kinda miss what that feels like…

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This is the first one of you pieces that I have checked out. It looks like none of the reviewers got the references to the fabled tree where Buddha found enlightenment. I think this knowledge might have altered your reviews a bit. I loved it. I also enjoyed reading the reviews it was a bit like the story of the blind men describing an elephant.
Chris
B.Nice™

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August 20, 2006

by Mrbeer

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
218	70.0% (40 votes)	23.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
26	M	Plymouth, MI	October 27

much respect, and i’m flattered- the tree was a recent addition… and I gotta give credit to those who helped me figure this one out… it took me a while to find the elephant…

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It’s lacking in structure though it’s not a bad piece over all. The one part I could really do without is the part in parantheses in the first stanza. It took me out of the poem completely. But green is  a sweet color no doubt. Like leprechauns and broccoli and stuff.

Some things work.  But in this case NOT the first stanza.  It doesn’t match with the rest of the rytem of the poem, and takes away from the effects of the rest of the stanzas.

I would delete the first stanza entirely – start with the second, which is good.  I would also cut the second line of the last stanza. I LOVE the first line of the last stanza, and how it works with the final two lines.  The “right now,” takes away quite a bit from the power of the image and the sound of the words.

This will be really awesome once you tighten it up!

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July 18, 2006

by Mrbeer

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
218	70.0% (40 votes)	23.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
26	M	Plymouth, MI	October 27

I’m gonna try it your way real quick- my whole thing with this bit is to keep it within the format- or change the title or something- I grew up in south america, and the fundamentals of this poem satisfy my youthful romanticism- I think that was where I was really trying to go…  but your suggestion is duly noted and I will try it…

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Lovely. I am such a major fan of Bollywood. Seems like I’m the only one…  l loved the green adolescent faces… and let it rain….

Simple. Lovely.

I really like the end of this poem, I think it does a nice job of portraying the feeling that you’re trying to get across to the reader but perhaps some work could be done with the rest of it.. some more imagery perhaps would do the trick.. I dunno it’s nice though, I like it.

Well I don’t really like it, but that’s kind of irrelevant.

It just doesn’t sit right with me.  I’m not sure what you’re going for as far as rhyming in the first five lines.  Also, it kinda ends very abruptly.  And does grass really ‘snake’?  I dunno…

It’s cute and quirky though.