EES, thanks very much for your review, that sentence is a bit aquaward. I’m glad you liked the charecterization!
Please login to continue.
Novel Treatments / Mythic part 3
Between the bedside tables was a wide window. Its drapes, which matched the canopies of the beds, were pulled back to reveal a beautiful scene: Just under the city of Ru-Trinige was farmland stretching for miles.
Men filled carts pulled by horses with corn and wheat from the fields, while men and women cut the fields with scythes. Wrapping around the scene were the mountains. The Fangs. Alaya realized. In the corner of the view, a massive blue lake glittered in the sunlight.
Alaya caught her breath, awed by the sight before her. “Is this my room?” she breathed to herself, staring out her window.
Just then little girl who looked about three years older then Alaya appeared. She was plump, with chocolate-colored skin, thick, straight black hair and almond-shaped eyes.
“’Ello.” The girl grinned at Alaya, revealing a row of perfect teeth. “I’m Larina. Are ye new here too?”
“Yep. My name is Alaya. I just arrived. I’m not sure what’s going on.” Alaya grinned back. Larina had an infectious smile.
“I’ve only been here for a day. I went out to explore a bit.” Larina sat on one of the beds, setting a large box on the quilt and opening it up. “I’m excited to begin our lessons. I canna believe we finally get to learn magic! This is so wonderful!” Larina chattered, stripping off her boots and socks and tossing them at random onto the floor.
Alaya unpacked her bag slowly, hanging her few dresses in the closet and then sitting cross-legged on her bed, trying to absorb the information Larina had so casually mentioned. “Did you know you could do magic?” she asked.
“Well, I hoped I would do it one day, but I thought I would be twelve or thirteen, no’ ten. My dad could do magic, but my mum couldn’t. She was a so sad that I was leaving to learn it, eh?” Larina pouted for a moment, then gave up the pretext: she did not seem like the kind of person who could stay upset for more then a few moments. “How old are ye?”
“Seven. Did you say you knew you were going to learn magic?”
“I though I would get me powers, o’ course, no one is sure. Not everyone gets magic.” She looked puzzled for a moment. “Why do ye ask?”
“I thought magic wasn’t real until today. I thought it only make-believe, like dragons, or mermaids.”
Larina looked stunned, and then burst out laughing. “You’re funny! Imagine thinking magic wasn’t real. And imagine thinking dragons and mermaids weren’t real! Yer hilarious. How can you live here and no’ believe in magic?”
“I lived in a tiny little town until today, in Adun. What about you? Where did you come from?”
“Reloric. I came a long way.” Larina giggled, and then said solemnly, “I think we will be very good friends. I canna believe yer only seven. I thought I was young to come into me magic at ten. I wonder when our first class is.”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Awake_At_Last reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I can’t speak to your goal since I haven’t read your first chapters yet, but I will. You have very colorful characters and I look forward to learning more about them. Are they in a school of magical education? For me, this part seemed a bit Harry Potter-ish, but I haven’t read the rest of the story so I won’t pass judgement so quickly. I think you’re a very talented writer. The only thing I would caution you about is keeping a closer eye on your punctuation. What do the small boxes and extra question marks mean? It might just be a glitch. Write on! I want to read more…
- add/view comments (0)
cooeedownunder reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I did not mind this and like your descriptions. The only thing that stuck out was when you mentioned mermaids. I thought up until that moment, I was in a different world then where mermaids would be.
Just then () little girl who
Just (a or the) little girl who
Good luck with it.
finedani reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Between the bedside tables was a wide window – A wide window hung between the bedside tables. I don’t feel that this is a particularly gripping opening to a chapter, but that is probably just personal preference.
of Ru-Trinige was farmland stretching for miles. – Ru-Trinige, farmland stretched for miles
Men filled carts pulled by horses – Men filled horse-drawn carts
The Fangs. Alaya realized – The Fangs, Alaya realized.
Just then little girl – Just then, a little girl
with chocolate-colored skin, thick, straight black hair and almond-shaped eyes. – with chocolate-colored skin, almond-shaped eyes and thick, straight, black hair.
our first class is. – our first class is?”
I like the idea of this (very brief) chapter. It’s very gentle and sweet, with the two little girls arriving in an idyllic surrounding to study magic. On the other hand, it doesn’t sound very original (although it’s hard to judge from such a small sample) I think with this somewhat tired subject, you’ll have to work extra hard to be original and fresh. Still, your writing is easy to read and enjoyable. I would like to see you take this and make it into something unique.
lustgarten reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I am not into this genre of fiction (nor does it matter) but I enjoyed this. I would really like to see where this goes. I did have a complaint about a couple of things, although they’re not significant apart but are when put together in a story.
One of your paragraphs start with, “Just then”. I think there’s a better way to introduce the characters.
“Alaya unpacked her bag slowly, hanging her few dresses in the closet and then sitting cross-legged on her bed, trying to absorb the information Larina had so casually mentione”—Perhaps you should use the word “tried” instead? I think it would help the flow of the sentence more.
I think that’s really it. Good luck on the rest of it.
fourtwenz reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
no errors good writing, good visual flow
nageena reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Good use of punctuation, grammer and you’re extensive range of vocab is evident here.
Like the story and I think you have something good here so don’t be discouraged by any bad reviews you may have had just make sure that you keep writing ok.
thesnoopyone reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
sounds very Harry potterish a school for the supernaturally gifted it is a great premise that works for JK Rowling its been done. I loved HP but u need to find something th makes it uniquely yours
EES reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Damn- I hate my computer. I had a nice review all writen out for you, then it freaked out and lost it. I don’t know if I can capture the magic of my first review, but I will try.
Did you sperate the sections where you did, purposefully? I understand if it had more to do with typing and getting it up onto Urbis. Yet if you did cut it that way intentionally, I think you could have found better places to do so. I would have cut part two when they reached the city and included what came inside the city and palace in this part. Just a suggestion.
I love your characterization of Larina. I can see her instantly! And you did a great job of contrasting the two girls!
“Men filled carts pulled by horses with corn and wheat from the fields, while men and women cut the fields with scythes.” – perhaps it would be better this way? Horses pulled carts as men filled them with corn and wheat that were cut from the feilds with scythes. That would take care of the run-on and the double use of the word “feild” as well as any confusion that may come from the first part where it sounds almost as though the carts are filled with men rather than that the men are filling the carts.
Love it and can’t wait for the first class!
I love your characterization of Larina. I can see her instantly! And you did a great job of contrasting the two girls! I think that you did a great and realistic job there.
creative_eve reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I couldn’t review part I or part II first as Urbis doesn’t allow a search by titles, only by user name and when one reviews a piece of recommanded writing, that information is not given until the reveiw is complete. I will have to go back to see them later. I would suggest, since these are short chapters combine them together, so people who are review them will get a better sense of what’s going on, instead of bits and pieces.
As far as I can tell, not enough is going on to warrant this a chapter by itself here. I feel that a little bit more could be added to make it more interesting to read on. Perahps the chapter ends when they two go and explore what the first class would be.
I am not sure the mix of usage of old English, then again I am not a fan of Harry Potter either, maybe this is in the tradition of that. I find the usage distracting somewhat.
Otherwise, good descriptions of details and nice visual image you painted for the reader.
Spunk_On_A_Stick reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
A little scattered and simplistic, but a good beginning for a 15 year old. I did not get to read the first two parts, but this piece shows your writing style. This story will need to be unique – after Harry Potter, there are MANY books about young people learning magic. Continue to work on your descriptions – no, even after three published novels, they’re not my strong suit either! And every time you use the word ‘was’, stop and see if there is a better way to phrase that sentence. (Like the first line – “A wide window sat between the bedside tables.”) Again, keep reading and writing – that’s how to improve your skills!
Showing 1 - 10 of 15
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
15 Reviews 7 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
