Several people have said this about the first section. It’s basically a spew of consciousness; the person is basically having this conversation with herself about a painful tryst. I’ll try and work on making that more apparant.
THanks!
Poetry / Snow Angel
Do you idolize?
Do you idealize
a life belonging to you?
And your mother
your father that freeze in the snow?
Do your children set the pace?
Is it the tears streaming down her face?
Is the Loss, the Life mistreated
so great you and I are defeated?
round and round I spin
lost are my thoughts
drifting in and out of the white,
when you come in the night
frosty reflections of you melt,
a steaming tryst becomes a calm reverie
as you mold your hand in mine,
a fluid gaze half raised
your lash to my lash
trickling down my fears stream
delivering a burning devotion,
cast under the weight of you
your touch makes me your woman,
within every fruitful meeting gleams
a surrendering like dew drops,
lost in the embrace of your light I fade
in a spell caught under the press of
your drunken lips to mine,
erratic erotic your hold blows me
as my hands, my arms, my legs unfold
your breath in mine
as you lick my every fold,
uprooting is your intuition
as you and I come into fruition,
uprooting is your intuition
as you and I come into fruition,
warmth and shiver you deliver
a dew drop’s pool of two
under my legs’ endless quiver,
your touch makes me your woman,
lingering interlocked between my thighs
with a sigh you count as minutes end,
as you go you bend to my breast
lost is the scream I dare to hush
and so I whisper and you whisper
of whispers of our Day in the night,
I fear you will only pass me by
to dream under the mandrake,
of a late night calling, the one that begs
and pulls the silver lining to
stage a chase of your lost lion’s roar,
hollowed by the snowy wind
caught in your throat, caught in her belly,
lost in the mother you fail and the father
that only comes in the season to betray,
your words fall from here as you walk away
making a line to a fragmented heap of a home
shaking so cold when gaze over your shoulder
the snowflakes blanket you and in it you shine
hoping that in time a snow angel in me will be a sign.
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sharkseek reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the piece overall. The structure and grammar are good, and the snow metaphor carries well throughout, keeps it cohesive. I like the relative understatement of passions. I like the hints at what life outside that moment might be.
I do think that it might read more easily if you had stanza or paragraph breaks in it. It would allow the reader to pause, absorb, and move on.
Thanks for sharing your work, a nice read!
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libby reviewed Version 1 -
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I can’t tell you how much more interesting and easy to read this would be if you added stanza breaks. I love the content, your word choice and images are wonderful, but the huge block of text is intimidating and doesn’t flow. I might also take out the first nine lines because they’re much more poorly written than the rest of the poem and don’t add much, in my opinion. These are just my suggestions, take as you will!
pitifulinc reviewed Version 1 -
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I was confused from the beginning as to the direction you were heading. Too many questions?
I think you’re all over the place here. No real focus.
Parents, sex, snow angels? They just dont connect.
Am I correct that you wrote this off the cuff? I think if you reworked it, and thought about it real hard, you’d find 3 short poems instead of 1 very long one. Mr. Pitiful
Loba reviewed Version 1 -
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Good finish. I’m not too keen on the ryhming in the beginning, it’s a bit forced and unnecessary. The peice improves wen it stops, as the immagery takes on an organic flow. In the beginning the imagery is a bit “hokey” because of the rhymes. Once the rhyming stops the images are free from the device and take root in the imagination.
I really enjoy the repition of the lines in the middle, they’re the only rhyms that really work, probabaly because of the repition. That’s what drew me into the peice.
The first 12/ does need to be revised to match the strength of the 2nd 1/2.
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