This part of the story is an attempt to help you to better understand some of the more galactic themes of this story. In this prelude, I will describe to you in some detail a few of the more important things to remember when dealing with sensitive matters of all things cosmic.
Before one can comprehend the greater issues of the cosmos or dimensea, one must first come to “The Realization That Reality Is Not Real.” One must also understand that it is not only a fact, but it is also both a question and an answer. The fact that you exist only further proves this point.
Now, in the interest of cosmic comprehension, let’s take a moment and explore this fact from opposing viewpoints. Were reality really real, let’s assume momentarily, I would be telling you this story. How does this differ from those of us who have made “The Realization That Reality Is Not Real?” The answer is simple. You would be a frog. Not only would you be a frog, you would be a REAL frog. You see, in reality, a frog, a real frog that is, does not know that it is a frog at all. In fact, the frogs themselves think that the people are frogs.
Think of it this way: When a prince, in reality, kisses a frog, he will, of course become a frog. The reason that a prince must kiss a frog to turn into one is that, in real reality, when a princess kisses a frog, it of course, will remain human. This is known as “The Realization That Reality Is Not Real.”
The fact of the matter is “The Realization That Reality Is Not Real” is also a question and an answer. Since it’s both an answer and a question of such cosmic significance, it is nearly impossible to understand both the question and answer to which “The Realization That Reality Is Not Real” is an answer and a question. Nearly impossible, but not totally impossible.
There was one such occasion in which this particular event of such cosmic and galactic importance took place. It was, in fact quite an uneventful event, and it was quite anticlimactic. I will, none the less, tell you the story of “The Realization Of Both The Question And Answer To The Answer And Question Posed By The Realization That Reality Is Not Real.”
This is the story of Barney Miller. Not the graying, middle aged police detective from the 1970’s television sitcom in the dimension in which you do not exist, but the twenty nine year old, cosmically in-tune Barney Miller from a different dimension, one in which you are a frog.
Barney Miller was a poet, not by trade, but by hobby. Barney was also an intellectual, only, however, by self-proclamation.
The story of the enlightenment of Barney Miller takes place trillions of years ago. Time, also a figment of reality, which, as we have established and agreed upon, is not real, therefore does not exist either, meaning, simply put, that even though this event took place many years ago, it may have just happened within the past hour and a half.
The particular day in which Barney had made the two most important discoveries of his life was sunny. At the very moment of his enlightenment, the temperature was 70 degrees Fahrenheit, or 21 degrees Celsius, with a westerly breeze of about three miles per hour, and there was not a single cloud in the sky.
Barney had found that he could think better while either pacing or walking. This drove his few friends crazy. This also explains the obvious wear marks on the carpet in his living room, not to mention the sparse furnishings in that room; for he had only one love seat and nothing else, not even a television set.
Barney put his once white sneakers on his blistery feet. He walked out of the small brick home which housed a kitchen, living room, one bedroom, one bathroom, and a small breakfast nook, not to mention Barney Miller himself. He took to the sidewalk down main street. His pace was not quick by any means, closer to the truth, it was only a tad better than aimless wandering.
Barney passed the little market on the corner by the name of Ching’s, but hardly took notice. He hardly took notice that he nearly stepped on a frog. By this time he was once again lost in his mind. Barney didn’t mind being lost, in fact he lived for it, so long as he knew where he was.
A short time later, Barney had crossed the bridge crossing the freeway. He wandered, as did his (self acclaimed) overly intellectual mind, over to the truck lot. Barney loved the truck lot. More specifically, he loved the trucks. Barney’s imagination was quite vivid and when he looked at the trucks, he imagined that he could see people’s faces.
The sun warmed the air from 69 degrees to 70 degrees Fahrenheit, or 21 degrees Celsius, if you like. Barney looked up and imagined he saw his mother’s face in one of the trucks. He stared at the gigantic Mack truck in front of him for a moment, deep in his thoughts. Then it happened.
Now one thing you might need to understand is that Barney’s enlightenment consisted of two completely separate discoveries. Also note that it is a simple difference of opinion which of the two discoveries was more important.
Barney smiled. Better said, he grinned the biggest grin of his whole life. Finally, he had figured out that which he’d been pondering for most of his adult life. He’d already come to “The Realization That Reality Is Not Real.” He’d figured out the question to the answer. He’d known about the frogs, but now he had it. He knew the answer to the question posed by “The Realization That Reality Is Not Real!”
“I’ll call a meeting,” he thought. “No, a press conference. Better yet a conference call with all the world’s leaders. I’ll call my mother.” Barney thought about his mother for a moment and was suddenly shocked at the fact that he’d made a second, equally life-altering discovery.
The truck!
The Mack truck!
The Mack truck that reminded Barney of his mother!
Barney had discovered that the Mack truck that was in front of him had to be doing at least sixty.
Ironically enough, although poor Barney Miller did not live long enough to make this third discovery, one that Barney, having just recently been enlightened, would have thought made perfect sense, however, the driver of the large Mack truck that Barney had thought reminded him of his mother, was, in fact, a frog.
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Okay, as much as you obviously do not want to be reminded of such, puncuation is important. Run on sentences are fine, and I didn’t find myself tripped up or confused by them, what I had a problem was with, gramatically speaking, was your lack of commas. They are fairly important as far as conveying a message clearly. I understand this is just a moot point, but you should look into it if your goal is to be published.
The story concept is interesting enough, though I fail to see how it will lead into more chapters, but I mean that is probably a good thing because it means I have no idea what is coming next. I don’t get the first part at all, and I don’t agree with you question/answer statement, because of the fact it didn’t seem clear to me it made me not want to read the rest. Perhaps you might want to try to explain it a little more succiently.
It seems like you have read Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. If you haven’t might want to. I am not saying you write like Mr. Vonnegut, just that it seems like he infulanced you here. Hevery may have not, which is why I am suggesting that you check that book out.
Overall I think this is a “good” first chapter, it’s humor is a bit formuled, but none the less still funny at parts.
I can see what you’re trying to do, but i don’t think it really worked. The piece is confusing enough without making it needlessly so. Everything seems all over the place, like you wrote it out once and never bothered to go back over and edit it. There are bits that seem entirely extraneous and the overt narrator does no real favours. It kind of stubs the jokes before they get a chance to work. It’s like the narrator is ‘trying’ to be funny rather than letting the material do the work. I think dead-pan would work better. Sorry for this, i know it’s pretty harsh, but i have to be honest.
I do love this story a whole lot. It’s witty, but in a relaxed way, and simply brilliantly put together. Too bad Barney had to go and die just as he was getting interesting. :)
The storyline is wonderful and I do so want to know what the answer to the question posed by The Realization that Reality is not Real is! Though I fear it will be something obscure. ;) I shall read on!
xxx Annie.
This is an extremely creative story, and seems to get better each time i read it… i look forward to reading its offspring.
I intrigued me I must admit. If this or the entire first chapter is an intro than I say it is good, and have no critiques for it.
The writting style I see would most likely get hard to take if it continued for the length of a book. I would suggest this as an intro, or stand alone.
all i can say is that this is amazing and that you are officially on my list of people i want to have coffee with
I think this is really interesting. i was drawn in, but tempted to give up reading when i encountered the paragraphs dedicated to philosophical debate and commentary on whether reality is real or not. that stuff is all good, but i was expecting to read a funny, relateable story about a “cosmic stoner”. funny stuff. this was strange, and i LOVE strange, but it was almost too much for me. i think, maybe, the reader will end up kind of confused as to why all of this philosophy shows up. if you want to continue with these commentaries etc., than i would make sure your title doesn’t mislead thos who are looking to read a Nick Hornby, High Fidelty type of story. i actuall think that’d work pretty well for this story. make it less intense, more relateable. i still think i was very good, though.
This is by far the best opening chapter I have read in a long time here on Urbis. Your work is hilarious, it reminds me of Douglas Adams, I am quite fond of his writing style.
Sometimes when you’re reading a story it engrosses you so completely that you just don’t notice the little things like spelling and grammer, most of the time your reader is not looking for such things, I believe your note to the readers was a good idea so the people here on Urbis realize that you intended to write what you wrote. When you publish this I suggest you do the same at the beginning of your novel, it will be different than anything I have ever seen and you won’t get a ton of letters from the overzealous saying what a terrible job you did editing.
This reminds me of the late Douglas Adams writings, partularly some of the more amusing bits in the HHG2G and Dirk Gently. Saying that, this peice really makes me want to continue reading, though I find that a lot of your prose needs to be tightened up a bit to help it really flow properly.
Barney’s walk, however is written in a way that is much like afternoon walks spent by intellectuals who get by mac trucks; we’re thinking about clever things only to miss minor details, like the bloody thing is about to smack into us.
It does make me think, “Dude, what a bummer.” I get into the characters head, and if this is the beginning of something nice, I’ll be quite impressed.
IN the meantime, I’ll keep an eye out of succeeding peices, and I would recommend editing down this peice, removing much of the extraneous sentences.
I might also recommend working on the beginning, removing the first couple sentences, but starting out with Frog-Prince universe.
June 22, 2006
well, this piece was indeed strange. i had trouble following it. it seemed to lose a little bit of uumph towards the middle, and it seemed a bit repetitive. however it was humorous at times. the title is what grabbed my attention.
your writing was very good during the parts in which you were talking about barney.
but all in all… you did a good job expressing this strange story.
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