Poetry / and you say smoking kills

Very strong writing.

I liked the strange structure of the way you wrote this. Its not something I have come accross but the emphasis on the single words gave in akinf of crescendo which was goog.

The imagery was fantastic and very dark which I love.

This is a little vague, unfinished, and contradictory in language.

Why is the hand dripping with blood?

Your fingers aren’t painted black, your finger nails are.

The part about the mark below your eye matching your fingernail polish – GOOD.

Contradictory language: Full of Spent (tears) – still contradicts – what are you trying to convey?

Cigs – I don’t know.  It doens’t sound cool, it doesn’t fit – cigarettes – or give them a name brand, but “cigs” – it makes me picture a shallow, gothgirl, depressed, pale, pretty, needing attention and thinking she’s just too cool for words “cigs” – I am obviously having a problem with that part…

Your life isn’t wasted till your 27 just cut that shit out – it’s stupid.  You haven’t even begun to have life yet.  Your wasted youth maybe.

Who slashed the wound – I guess that would tie back to your hand but it’s not very effective or cunning.  Why must you be slashed, gashed and suicidal? If you insist on being depressed and writing dark poetry – do it well.  Intrigue us with emotion not boring words that obliterate any empathy we may have.  

This poem depicts you as an inexperienced, vain, and absolutely boring youth.  Don’t you have something to say?  What makes your depression differnt from anyone else’s?  Black nails cool – I get an image, lungs full of smoke – well, I smoke too, but that indicates you’re stupid and don’t care about yourself…so why not, what is it that makes this girl such a mental case and morever, why is it interesting to read her work?

Say something.  

This piece is pretty sad.  I can see you have a lot of emotions of the situation discussed as reflected through the words and phrases you used.  The erratic flow in this piece works well.  I also like how you use very descriptive words, that gives the reader something to see and an outlet to feel your message.  Good job. I liked this piece.  

This is a very interesting poem with a gray atmosphere. I’m not exactly sure what all of it is all about, but I think you’re saying smoking is suicide. Every time the blood drips, is a day wasted charring your lungs. Not sure if that’s what you were trying to say but well written with a good flow. Although this style of poetry isnt really my type, I like this one. The format that you used, I felt also complemented the work very well.

It is somewhat choppy.  This could become the beginning to a story.  I really like the imagery of the body lying there as blood drips off the fingertips painted black.  

Other than the black eyeliner and fingernails there is no connection to your character and the theme or idea is confusing here.

When I read it, I want to put the words together and make complete sentences.  

well written and kinda dark, a lot of anguish , pain, the reference to the smoking i believe was trying to point out theres a reason at that moment in time for the senseless sucking back of nicotine…the hurt someone caused you…..love the drip, drip, drop,...you have talent

Uh, what is the central theme of this? It seems like a anti-tobacco poem until later, where it talks about you wasted your life thinking of someone… so exactly which is it? Did you kill yourself in this or something? Maybe you’re saying that whoever is addictive and hard to let go of? I don’t know, I’m lost in this.

i like the run on cycle of this poem, though it is a little hard to follow at first.  i think you might want to pay more attention to rythm and flow.

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November 25, 2006

by lolanation

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
583	76.5% (153 votes)	22.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
34	F	LA, CA	September 24

how is this poem about rythm or flow, it’s a dark piece, read it drearily -

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The imagery of the poem is its strength.  Moments like “pours/smoke from my/lungs” and “limp/ hanging/ hand” bring something new to the goth-like atmosphere your speaker evokes. The latter, in fact, reminds me of the Sylvia Plath moment “black lake, black boat, two cut paper people…”  Beyond that, given the shortened line structure and the way it evokes a ponderous, precise, slow-motion voice, my mind half-wonders if you previously explored and then rejected a staccatto-like word placement a la Mallarme’s “Throw of the Dice” or some of Ferlingetti’s work.  Spreading the words out on the paper has a different effect from the short lines, so it may detract from the careful, even bitter, tone your speaker brings to the piece, but it might add something too. I also wonder if your finish is strong enough, introducing at the end of the poem a vague and sudden addressee and a love relationship.

Well what can i say intrigueing in the least. slightly morbid and though others might protest morbid is not always a bad thing.I appreciate this for of writing not held back by the thoughts of how others will react. Writing like this shows true potential for future writing oppurtunities that will help you later on in life.Here you express pain in a way that is almost exactly what some people need to hear or maybe you just need to hear it out loud yourself