The morning shadows cast a heavy haze over his heart. The sun was losing its struggle with the ominous clouds that blackened the sky overhead. On this morning, another son was also struggling to see the light of day. He couldn’t shake from his memory the caustic words of the night before. He could still see his father pounding his fists on the mahogany desk. The words he spoke cut deeper than any surgeons scalpel, ”You’ll never amount to anything, get out of my sight!”
Words have extraordinary power. Life and death are wrapped within the syllables. The impact is incalculable. No permits or license are required to wield such a potent weapon as the tongue. No guards are posted. No gatekeepers to stand vigilant. We speak freely. Words may punctuate our well being or be punitive. A disillusioned child, a despondent spouse, an unappreciated employee, an abandoned friendship, all may suffer the arsenic affects of words carelessly spoken. Sons, daughters, husbands and wives may spend a lifetime trying to undo the horrors of spiteful words.
Harnessing such expansive energy is a serious matter and the sole responsibility of the spokesman.
In search of ribbons is not a superficial solicitation of praise, and it is certainly not the self-serving, “fishing for compliments.” Intrinsic to your survival and mine, is a basic human need for outward validation and the reinforcement of our self-image. Brian Tracey writes, “Everyone grows up with a feeling of inferiority, and through out most of our lives we need to be praised and recognized by others. No matter how successful or how elevated people may become, they still need their self-images reinforced. They still need people to say things to boost their self-esteem and make them feel more valuable and worthwhile.” Philosopher John Dewey wrote, “The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.” We need confirmation that who we are, and what we are, matters.
Who we are, and who we become, is directly linked to the feedback we receive from others, especially the ones that we love. Few things can match their enormous affect on us. We evolve as human beings. From birth through adulthood our self-esteem is shaped by the words that we hear. We are today, in large part, a result of the positive or negative comments we have received. Fortify an impressionable child with positive statements and you launch them into a positive world of confidence, happiness and security. Deprive a formative youngster and you may release another psychopathic monster to the planet.
There is simply no way to be fully human alone. We need the responses of others. Our words are the chisels that sculpture human hearts. Romain Rolland wrote, ”The friend who understands you, creates you.”
Understanding, acceptance, kindness and compliment are the artistic tools that create masterpieces. Human beings blossom under the fertile soils of thoughtful words.
To possess such a dynamic power and not to use it is mind-boggling.
With so little effort to compliment and speak praise to others, why do we so often fail to do so? Why are the ribbon ceremonies so infrequent? Why do others act so stingy with their compliments? Why the hesitation to respond kindly when we observe something we like? If individuals had to abide by the literal expression, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” there would be a great number of mute people walking around! There is an insidious side to our refusal to speak kindly to others. Dark forces within, reason that by putting others down, we in turn elevate ourselves. This behavior is so pervasive,it barely needs explanation. Statements like, He has no clue how to run a business, implies that you in fact, do. She’s so unattractive, assumes that you are an expert in the field of beauty or perhaps a model of beauty yourself. We learn by this toxic belittling that indirectly we steal praise for ourselves.
A similar, yet less deplorable reason, is the aforementioned behavior in reverse. Likened to the fear of a rescuer being drowned by his victim, we falsely reason, to save others, we may be risking ourselves. Pushing others up somehow pushes us down, plunging us into the deep. The peculiar colloquialism, “I paid her a compliment” perhaps follows this logic. Are we to assume that its like paying the mortgage, or paying the phone bill? When you pay a bill you do in fact diminish your resources. A compliment is something you “give” however, out of an endless storehouse, limited only by your desire to do so.
Some piously consider their compliments as an unnecessary express lane to an inflated ego. They assume that people who are attractive, talented and intelligent don’t need positive reinforcement. Nothing could be further from the truth. How people see themselves in the mirror is often times far different than reality. Each person has there own silent perceptions of how they perceive others see them. The scrutiny and criticism can be brutal. If we could peek into their personal evaluation sheets we would often be shocked and surprised at their self-deprecating conclusions. Gorgeous people who feel ugly, thin people who feel fat, intelligent people who feel dumb, successful people who feel like failures, talented artists who lack the true awareness of their gifts, on and on the sad list goes. Low self-esteem, without limits and without boundaries reaches it’s oppressive hand to everyone. The premise that those that we admire already know how good they are is simply unfounded and untrue.
Another reason we may fail to recognize others might be our preoccupation with our own depletion. When our emotional tanks are empty we falsely assume we lack the reserves to give to others. Or we begrudgingly hold back what we ourselves fail to receive. The universal Golden Rule however, reminds us, “To treat others as we would like to be treated.” The initiative begins with us. These are the precise moments when we should be giving. Your giving is a planting of seeds. The more you plant, the greater the harvest you will enjoy. There is no mystery. No magic potion need be formulated. Friendly people make friends. Positive people attract positive people. Complimentary people receive compliments. Its a simple matter of choice. We decide to be positive people. We elect to compliment others. We act upon our will to pin ribbons and when we do, an interesting exchange takes place. By giving to others, we ourselves are replenished.
As recipients ourselves of the generous compliments of others, we understand the value of praise. A single positive comment can awaken a giant of confidence and dispel a torrent of fear. Words are life giving. A withering soul can immediately spring to new life, energized by a simple kind word or thoughtful compliment. Compliments are such choice delicacies. When we hear one, we quickly snatch it up, chewing on it as a rare morsel to our undernourished self-esteem. Immediately we engage our brain to rewind the thoughtful words. Press replay. We want to hear it, albeit in our heads, again, and again and again. The replay is that secretive moment we all practice but rarely talk about. It is indeed, a moment of ecstasy. A good compliment gets a lot of mileage.
The benefits of being a complimentary person are many. What could possibly compare with the knowledge that within us resides the power to enhance and transform the impressionable lives of others? The contagious nature of praise will guarantee you a lifetime of positive feedback from your grateful recipients. He who praises much, receives much praise. We actually feel better about ourselves and boost our own self-esteem when we center our attention on the thoughts and feelings of others. The loyalty of our friendships will remain unsurpassed. Friends will always appreciate our honest and supportive words. There is no greater source of positive motivation than a well placed compliment, Charles Schwab wrote, “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among men the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a man is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a man as criticisms from his superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a man incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise, but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”
Your admirers will be many and you will be held in high esteem by those who recognize your patterns of thoughtfulness.
How unfortunate that we would not take advantage of our opportunities. As a result countless lives are wasted and ruined, wandering aimlessly through a desert of deprivation when so much soul food is available. A trail of broken spirits remain. The criticized and abused wander about in search of life’s most precious resource, a kind word and a thoughtful compliment. We are creatures of emotion. We simply cannot make our way through life logically. Our emotional tank needs a filling station. We need ribbons.
When you say I look nice. I feel attractive.
When you say what I did was amazing, I feel inspired.
When you say you are proud of me. I feel rewarded.
When you say thank you, I feel appreciated.
When you say please, I feel needed.
When you say I love you, I feel loved.
When you ask for my advice, I feel intelligent.
When you say I can do anything, I feel powerful.
When you acknowledge me publicly, I feel proud.
When you remember my name, I feel important.
When you praise me, I feel confident.
When you defend me, I feel secure.
When you hug me, I feel safe.
When you accept me, I feel validated.
When you listen to me, I feel understood.
When you smile at me, I feel happy.
When you laugh with me, I feel funny.
When you compliment me, I feel recognized.
When you say I forgive you, I feel forgiven.
When you say I’m sorry, I feel no need to justify myself.
When you say you value my opinion, I feel wise.
Acousticmoonlight / Blog May 2006
Copyright 2006 All Rights Reserved
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I was very moved by this piece. Not only is it extremely well-writen, but it speaks to a basic human need. Every human does need to be praised and given uplifting attention. The layout of the article is perfect. Your discussion of why we as humans tend to shy away from giving others praise, “Another reason we may fail to recognize others might be our preoccupation with our own depletion. When our emotional tanks are empty we falsely assume we lack the reserves to give to others. Or we begrudgingly hold back what we ourselves fail to receive. The universal Golden Rule however, reminds us, “To treat others as we would like to be treated.” ”, hits the nail on the head. This article is very eye opening. As A manager, who has had extensive training of how to retain good talent (employee wise, your article is one of the best pieces I have read that speaks to this truth. It should be read by all managers.
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I don’t know, I think this should be in Non-fiction.
I think its really poignant. And true, no one needs a permit for the dangerous weapon of a biting tongue. It lashes.
I loved this: (sorry that I am posting it,it’s jsut lovely)
Gorgeous people who feel ugly, thin people who feel fat, intelligent people who feel dumb, successful people who feel like failures, talented artists who lack the true awareness of their gifts, on and on the sad list goes. Low self-esteem, without limits and without boundaries reaches it’s oppressive hand to everyone. The premise that those that we admire already know how good they are is simply unfounded and untrue.
that and the line that a friend who understands creates you. I had never heard that before and thought it was really simply, and beautiful.
ever try to publish this?
Not bad. You need to remember that whenever you have someone talking, you should do a line break to signal that. Other than that, it we well written and i enjoyed it.
I thin the piece is very thought provoking but it starts off as a story one that i was looking forward to hearing about the father and son and turns into a very interesting mentality discussion. I think either one would be good but separate.
“Life and death are wrapped within the syllables.”—goregous. But I’m not sure that it needs the sentance that preceeds it or the sentance that follows it to help with the point. This line stands alone.
The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.” We need confirmation that who we are, and what we are, matters. —this is true… even though admitting it makes a person feel weak. Just like the need to be loved.
“Our emotional tank needs a filling station. We need ribbons.”—these simple lines are the most inspiring parts of the piece.
I hope that this piece reaches many people so that people will stop witholding the lovely things that they think about each other. I know that it’s inspired me to be a more complimentary person.
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