Screenplay / Rabid Eye Movements, a TV or movie idea
My name is Kevin Gunderman. I am a published author, freelance journalist and writer. I also have a bachelor’s degree in broadcasting and some experience in TV production.
For those that are tired of the current deluge of
reality programming, it is time for some unreality
RABID EYE MOVEMENTS
written and created by Kevin Gunderman
The idea behind this program is simple. It is all about the bizarre dreams and life of the protagonist. The real fun part of the show is that the audience will never quite know if what the are watching is part of the dream or of part of Tim’s ârealityâ. He will have a constantly changing supporting cast, different wives (some famous cameos perhaps), different kids (from other famous programs, etc), pets (including bizarre, such as llamas and octopus, animated like Scooby Doo or stop action character Gromit) and a host of jobs from menial to helping run the Carrot Top for President campaign. Even when a scene begins appearing normal, there will be an odd twist, like Tim going to the grocery store and misreading the list, getting Britney Spears instead of brocolli and asparagus spears, Christina Aguillar instead of arugula and Pink and grapefruit instead of pink grapefruit, all of which his wife makes him return to the store, where they are placed back on the shelf. Sets may be struck or assembled during scenes without so much as a bat of the eyelash, camera’s may shift to crew members grimacing, frowning or sleeping during some segments. Tim will have programs pitched to him like Rapid Bowel Movements, the game show. And Tim will visit his Dr Hardly, a psychiatrist (Bob Newhart cameo), to discuss his dreams, but even that may not be reality as Wallace and Gromit or similar bizarre characters may be seen as his clients.
Content samples:
Baby Seal Slippers:
Tim visits a Kmart. It is brightly lit and he is in the shoe area. He sees a rack of those fuzzy animal slippers, these in particular made to look like white baby seals. He looks around to make certain nobody is watching and he tries on a pair, smiling and wiggling his toes. Suddenly there is a rush of noise. He turns, a band of eskimos, armed with clubs, begin flailing wildy at his feet and the other baby seal slippers. The eskimos hoot and hollar in excitement as they scurry off, carrying a few of their prized trophies. As Tim lays there in stunned disbelief, a young women sporting a jacket with Greenpeace on the back rushes out and spraypaints his bloody, battered feet orange. She sprays a few other remaining clubbed slippers, then runs off. Tim is shaken awake by his wife, who asks âare having another of those weird dreams?â Tim sits upright and replies, âno dearâ. The camera pans to the foot of the bed, where we see a pair of bloody, orange painted baby seal slippers.
Batboy, indeed
Tim is in Cubs uniform sitting on the bench, watching his team on the field. Dusty Baker walks up to him and yells, âKaz, your butt is on the line!â Tim looks up proudly and tells Baker, âI am touched that you would call on me during this crucial point in the game, I won’t let you downâ. Baker looks at him incredulously, âNo, I mean your butt is on the phone line, get up, I need to call the bullpen. —stupid batboy!â Baker calls, and requests âLonghandâ. We then see a pitcher emerge from the bullpen, his hand several times longer than that of a normal human being. The back of his shirt says Longhand. In the bullpen, we see another pitcher look down at his hand, which is so small that it is dwarfed by the ball it is holding, he turns to sit back down. The back of his shirt says âshorthandâ.
We cut to Tim sitting alone in the dugout. As he looks out, his view is suddenly obscured by a soccer goalie and a charging player, who kicks the ball past the goalie into the dugout, nearly decapiting Tim. The crowd stands and cheers âGoalâ. Tim recovers and looks back out, it is now a normal ballgame again. We next cut to Derrik Lee swing at the ball, hitting it foul, but shattering his bat. He points to the dugout for another one. Tim turns, but see’s Derrik’s cubby hole is empty. He shrugs his shoulders and jogs out to the hitter. âSorry, Derrik, but you’re out of bats, I think we forgot to put them on the plane..â Derrik looks at Tim, looks at the pitcher and the runners on base. We next see Derrik at the plate, swinging Tim by the ankles. We hear a crack and a loud roar as the ball clears the fence. An obvious sign of good luck, each successive player uses the batboy with the same effect. The Cubs win the game. Tim is left laying on the field of play as it begins to rain.
Wallace and Gromit Stop the Action
Tim is playing cards with Wallace and Gromit (and losing). After a few moments, we cut to the control room, where we see Tim Burton and Nick Park. Burton says, âboy Nick, people don’t realize how much work goes into this stop action stuff. The constant stopping and repositioning is at times mind numbing.â Park nods and rubs his tired eyes. âI know. How about if we change things up a bit. Let’s take a break from the Wallace and Gromit stuff for now and just work with Timâ. Burton nods, leans into a mike in the control room and tells everyone of the change of production schedule. Wallace and Gromit hear the news, stand up and Wallace says, âWhat do you we go have a couple of beers now then, Gromit?â Gromit nods and says, âRight, I could really use a break.â Wallace stops and looks at him. âYou’re not supposed to talk.â Gromit replies, âI need a better agent…I meanâ he stops talking and does his typical eye blink and roll. We next cut to Tim seated at the table. Two crew members are painstakingly repositioning his hands and facial features, a shot gets taken, they reposition again….
No animal testing
Tim is standing in front of a blackboard, a clipboard in his hand. âAll right, everybody, before you pick up your pencils and begin, let’s review. The first part of the test is multiple choice, which should be fairly self explanatory. On the second part, we want you to write a brief essay and describe what you did or did not like about each of the products you are reviewing. Please try to be as specific and helpful as you can. Any questions?â We turn to see dogs, cats, horses, etc sitting at desks, with tests in front of them, pencils in âhandâ or mouth. A cat is raising it’s paw when two young men and a young woman burst into the room. One of the men stops and points his finger accusingly at Tim âYour company claims there is no animal testing done on any of your productsâyou lied!â The other two begin darting from desk to desk, slapping pencils out of hands, overturning desks, ripping up tests, etc. The animals begin to break for the door. As the freed animals and the emancipators run down the hallway, with Tim flailing haplessly trying to get the situation back under control, they pass glass windows where we see people in rooms having mascara sprayed in their eyes, being injected with unknown substances, etc. The emancipators see this, but don’t care and continue to run for freedom.
Dr Doeslittle?
Tim is sitting on the couch watching tv, a dog is on the couch next to him, another is at his feet. Two young daughters walk in, talking excitedly. Annoyed, Tim bellows âanybody that wants to talk should go into the kitchen.â The daughters sit quitely. The dogs scurry off to the kitchen. Once inside the kitchen, one dog says to the other âboy what a grouchâ and the other responds, âI know. Besides, he’s seen that episode at least five times already.â His wife walks into the living room, picks up the phone and says, âTim, would you mind lowering the tv?â Tim reluctantly replies, âall rightâ, walks over to the TV, lifts it off the table and sets it on the floor, then returns to his spot on the couch. His wife smiles and says, âthanks honeyâ and makes her call.
Poor Clifford!
Tim goes shopping at a Target store. Recently remodeled, it has two large red balls near the entranceway. Tim’s son points in astonishment, âDad, they nuetered Clifford!â Tim says to his wife. âDid you ever notice that dog has no butt hole? No wonder he is so big, he just eats and nothing comes back out. Could you imagine if it did, that poor little girl would need a bulldozer just to clean up the yardâ
Radio station contest
Tim picks up the ringing phone. The caller, from a local radio station, asks Tim if he is a fan of a professional calibur major league baseball team. Tim replies, âNo, I like the Cubs.â
Which is the glass eye
Tim and his companion are at a restaurant, seated at a table with a number of other people. His companion leans into him and whispers, âwhich one is it?â Tim looks at her with a raised eye and whispers back, âcome on. Look. It’s really pretty obvious.â She leans forward a little and squints. We see a close shot of the right eye of a man seated across from her. Then, the camera, as her eyes, pans slowly to the left eye socket. There is no eye in the socket, just a small martini glass, half full, with an olive and toothpick, where the eye should be. Suddenly the man leans into the camera and says âwhat’s the matter honey, never seen anyone with a glass eye before?â
Enterprise R Us Grocery Store
Tim is standing in a grocery store with a cart full of groceries. He picks up an item to check the price and we here a familiar âbleepâ. We look to see, instead of a price scanner, the Star Trek the Next Generation character Geordi, with his funny eyeglasses on, but he is wearing typical grocery clerk apparel. He says â$1.97â. Tim passes another item in front of his visor â2 for $3 this week with your Enterprise cardâ. Tim begins to move down the aisle, he sees the store manager Jon Luc. Worf, another store clerk rushes up to him, âSir, there appears to be a spill in aisle 3â. Jon Luc responds, âDamage report!â Tim shakes his head and moves down another aisle, where he sees some Farrengi and other alien times sampling the wares. He heads toward checkout, looking for an easy line. He sees the light on in checkout number 1, but there is not clerk. Nearby, Jon Luc notices Tim’s predicament. He points to line one and says to Jonathan Frakes, who is standing nearby, âNumber 1, engage!â When Tim is done shopping he begins to leave the store as he and his cart get on the mat in front of the exit, he dematerializes.
Wife is a cold fish
Tim’s wife is a cold fish, literally. They are out at a restaurant, waiting at the bar to be seated. Tim is he trying to sweet talk her into a trip to Oregon. She snarles “spawn, spawn, spawn. That’s all you ever think about. Sure we spawn then I get eaten by a bear!” A guy at the stool next to her asks “hey baby, what’s your sign.” She stares at him for a minute before responding sarcastically “cancer”. Tim mutters “oh you’re a cancer alright..” then adds “cancer, the sign of the crab”. She fish slaps him and then cries “and to think I wanted you to father my cavier!” He apologizes, says “Hey, let’s not fight. What do you say we kiss and make up and go get something to eat.” He makes a fishy face and they kiss.. Next we cut to a scene of his wife lying on the floor of the restaurant with x’s where her eyes should be. Tim is being handcuffed. One of the cops tells Tim “witnesses reported seeing the two of you fighting earlier in the evening. We’re charging you with murder. It is obvious you overfed her.” As Tim is being hauled away in cuffs the coroner comes and begins to wrap the wife in newspaper.
House warming gift
Tim and his wife are standing behind a yellow police line. Firetrucks are everywhere. There is a house burning intently nearby. Tim’s wife turns to look at him. She is visibly upset. “It was supposed to be house WARMING party….” Tim tries to defend himself. “I thought the snuggle wood and fireplace kit would be nice.” She replies, âand a demonstration would have been okay…if they had a fireplace.â
Mythbusters
Here today with Adam and Jamie is actor, writer and producer Tim Kazurinsky. Tim. “I am such a big fan of the show. I’m really happy be here.” Jamie. “well as an honorary myth buster would you like to help us debunk a myth.” Tim “I’d love to. What would you like me to do.â Jamie tells Tim to go stand in the middle of a field and wait for further instructions. Jamie and Adam move about 100 yards away. Adam picks up a rifle. âTheir is a myth that during the revolutionary war, a bullet was fired by an a northern soldier at a southern soldier passing through a nearby field. The northern soldier used one of these old weapons that fired a small, round pellet. According to the legend, this pellet hit the soldier in the testicle, traveled another mile and pierced the stomach and uterous of a young woman. Nine months later, a baby was conceived. Well, one of young female interns is positioned several hundred yards behind Tim. So we are just going to test that theory.â Adam picks up the rifle and aims toward Tim. The camera shows the gun is aimed right toward Tim’s groin. Tim, unaware of what is going on, squints in the direction of Adam and Jamie just as Adam pulls the trigger.
Weavil twin
In this episode, a giant weavil, dressed in Tim’s clothes and wearing his glasses, passes as Tim and stirs up all sorts of trouble until the dramatic moment when Tim unties himself and breaks free from the closet and confronts his pretender in front of his very confused family.
Rapid Bowel Movements
Tim is sitting in a studio execs office. Two men are trying to convince Tim to be the host of a new game show they are developing called Rapid Bowel Movements (a shot at this show) where contests eat various fiber products in the attempt to see who can empty themselves the fastest. They get points for speed and volume. In the final round, they do just the opposite. The eat a large meal, then see how many laxatives they can eat and how long they can hold off. âJust think of the product placements!â one of the execs points out to Tim. Tim looks incredulous and says, âThis is the sh(bleep) idea I ever heard.â He and everyone else looks around for the source of the bleep (this will be a recurring gag throughout the show),
Saturday Night Dead!
Tim sits in front of the TV. The announcer blares âFrom New JerseyâIt’s Saturday Night Dead!â On the screen we see cadavers in various positions, in caskets, seated at chairs, slumped over etc. Tim turns to his wife and says, âMan the writing on this show is getting very staleâ. His wife nods in agreement. The camera pans to a man standing next to a camera, holding a script and frowning. The camera looks back to Tim, who sits up and points at the TV. âNo, I mean this show. Not THIS show.â Wife, âwell Tim, looks like you screwed up again.â Someone yells, âCut! Everybody take five.â The writer storms off the set, the director glares at Tim, then turns to follow the writer. A grip comes in to move a couple of chairs and says to Tim, âgood going idiot, that’s the third writer this year.â
Who Shot JR, again, really
The room is somewhat dark. Suddenly a sleeping Victoria Principal sits up, grabs the side of her face and looks around and says âOh my, it was all just a dream.â A few seconds later, we see a gloved hand reach through the doorway, clutching a gun. We hear a pop and then hear Victoria yell âOw!â Outside in the hall, we see Larry Hagman, grinning and tucking away his dart gun. Cut quickly to Victoria sitting in bed, a dart stuck to her forehead. Cut back to the Hagman. He smiles and says, âI always wanted to do that.â He starts to laugh when we hear another pop. Hagman takes a dart to the forehead and takes a dive to the floor. Tim is standing down the hallway. He turns, grinning and says, âI always wanted to do that. I SHOT JR.â Hagman gets up and tackles Tim. He begins flailing at him with a golf club handed him by a crew member, who Hagman tells quickly to get out of the shot unless he is SAG approved. As he begins to club Tim, the same young Greenpeace girl from the seal slippers segment comes in and begins to spray Tim’s shoes. Hagman stops. Tim stands and glares at the girl. âWhat the heck are you doing?’ The girl steps back and stammers, âI’m sorry. I just wanted another shot.â Tim replies, âWell forget it. Look! You ruined my Bruno Mali shoes!.â Hagman says, âThose are the ugliest assed shoes I have ever seen.â The girl apologizes and heads off the set. Tim re-adjusts his stained leather gloves, âBoy these fit nicely. Hey Larry, sorry, I’m not going to be able to do lunch after all. Looks like I’m going to have to buy another pair of shoes. That stupid girl completely ruined them..â Hagman puts his arm on Tim’s shoulder. âOh don’t be so upset. You probably ruined them when you got OJ on them at breakfast this morning anyway.â Tim, âAfter lunch, let’s go tour some golf courses.â
Megabucks Coffee and the Le’ef Tover Restaurant
Tim stops by Megabucks Coffee on his way to his new job. The coffee shop has a sign that says âGuys, have your coffee the way you like your womenâStrong and Bitter.â
At his job, the Restaurant Le-ef Tover, the menu features items like âYesterdays Meatloafâ, âLast Thanksgiving’s Turkey Supriseâ and the special of the day is âStuff we can’t identify.â Here, the waitresses literally wait on tables, which poses a problem when the accidently knock off dishes. Then a bus boy (a small bus with legs, arms and animated face) has to clean up. Tim’s job? When someone tells the waiter to âhold the onion or hold the pickleâ, Tim is responsible for holding it. His arms are very full by the end of the night. You know somebody had to do it.
Briefer segments
Tim, âI win every argument with my wife. I always respondâbecause I’m an idiot! After that she has nothing else she can say. One time I got into trouble using this method though. I was only half listening when I thought she was getting mad at me and I responded ‘because I’m an idiot.’ Unfortuntely, she was asking me why I loved her.â
Tim, âMy mother-in-law has this bizarre annoying habit. Whenever we go out driving somewhere, she always undoes her safety belt half a mile away from the destination. Its not like she bolts from the car the moment we stop.I don’t get it. I think I’m going to take her skydiving.â
Tim is applying for a job. The recruiter sits next to him, reading his resume. She states, âYour resume says âI am the problem to all of your solutions.â Tim looks back and asks, âSo, do I get the job?â
Tim’s son and a young friend come through the living room. Young kid âI’ve never had the mumps before.â Tim’s son, âThey taste just like chicken pox.â
Tim: âMy wife and I have one of those derranged marriages.â Friend, âI think you mean arranged.â Tim, âNo. No I don’tâ
Tim walks into studio exec office and sees Bugs Bunny pushing a new show called âRabbit Eye Movement,â an obvious rip-off.
Tim discovers, the hard way, that July of 1989 had, in fact, been hotter than Hell. As he sits in purgatory, he is forced to watch reruns of the âJohnny Arson Showâ where items and guests are set ablaze as Johnny’s sidekick laughs obnoxiously.
Wrap up:
Some scenes could be shot on sets of favorite old shows (if sets are still available or could be easily replicated). There could be incongruity, such as Jethro from Beverly Hillbillies being married to Erika Cane from All My Children. We could use look-a-likes or the real actors. We could easily accommodate anyone that wanted to take part. Because of the nature of the show, continuity is not only not necessary, it should be shunned. The possibilities are virtually limitless.
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I really like the idea and I think with the concept it would be better as a show because you could get more out of the idea than two nours of movie. I think also with the concept that you could create fresh episodes at will.
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To me, this seems like an extraordinary idea for a show. I am sick of reality TV, yet strangely still am a fan of Survivor. Some of your ideas are hilarious! The briefer segments you have listed would be excellent bits in my opinion. The whole concept of not being able to decipher between dream and reality is very appropriate for the current entertainment landscape, and quite frankly, without sounding cheesy, I find your ideas refreshing.
Refresshing idea.
I think that you’ve got something here.
HOw long are the segments? The way that it’s presented here is that they seem to be less than 5 or 10 minutes each. I’d suggest maybe 3 or 4 per episode.
I didn’t much care or these scenes:
Wallace and Gromit Stop the Action
Poor Clifford!
Mythbusters
Overall I’d say that you should def. try to write some more detailed scenes. Write all of the dialogue.
Wow… I love it!!! Totally imaginative, totally unique. Also totally unrealistic for anything but Cable or Film.
The writing had be laughing hard, I can just imaging the reality of the scenes. But… I am of the sick minority of the world.
Well Done, and good luck finding a taker…
Creeze
this is a very confusing piece of literature… maybe i’m confused because of all the symbols all over place which might not even be your fault. um i am not trying to be harsh or anything i am just slight confused after reading this.
“Tim discovers, the hard way, that July of 1989 had, in fact, been hotter than Hell. As he sits in purgatory, he is forced to watch reruns of the âJohnny Arson Showâ where items and guests are set ablaze as Johnny’s sidekick laughs obnoxiously.”
this was the most confusing piece of all.
wat do you mean. send me message and i’ll be glad to read it.
Sound like a very interesting idea. It is almost a perfect idea except if it is a T.V. show it will have to be with a very large network so that the graphics can be better for most of the scenes. The idea at times seems childish however after you look at it more closly it becomes more and more like a stephen king novel.
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